So this is a video about Twitter. It cracks me up, especially the "blowin' up" part. LMAO
Also? The guy in the green that "passed his test"? I grew up with him. And? I secretly had a crush on him allll through school (we met in 5th grade).
So while everyone else was at BlogHer (mother f-er, I'm still jealous and all green with envy (be damned, you Cardinal sins you!)), I had a busy weekend. I'm still pretty worn out, although I will admit it isn't because I went to some badass parties, licked anyone's boobs, or broke a coffee table (don't ask; actually, I'm not sure I really understand myself). So...yeah.
Then she (my girl, not Biddy) refused to nap before her family party. I think I may have needed the nap a tad more than she did. Anyway, then both sets of grandparents came over, along with Aunt Angel & Monkey Matt. We had pizza, cake, and presents. She got a new bike, which someone (not naming names, mother fucka) let her ride around in the house, some kick-ass, light-up Sketchers that she really wants me to let her wear now (they are 1/2 a size too big, on purpose, so she can wear them in the fall), and a boy baby that she really wanted. Oh, and Where the Wild Things Are. (She got other things, but my mind is still mush, so yeah, she got stuff).
Sunday night she crashed at 8pm. I stayed up too late again, watching Taboo on National Geographic. I'm tired, people. I need sleep. I feel so devoid of energy lately, and this past weekend did not help at all.
New songs Pandora offered up, and I plan to add to my ipod:
Psychotic Girl by The Black Keys
Reason Why by Rachael Yamagata
Before The Worst by The Script
Maybe people have heard all of these before, but I never have. Love them. What do you think?
Last year, my girl, you were three. Now, today, with one brief blink of the eye, you are four. I know I sound like a nutcake broken record, but it's gone so fast.
You were just born, for the love of pete, and I just can't fathom that four damn years has gone by since we met face to face.
I feel like you've always been here, always been in my life, sticking your hand in my plate, leaving floaties in my drink, watching me pee, snuggling up to me, slipping your hand in mine.
You lost two blankies.
You went to the State Fair for the first time.
You learned what it felt like to lose a pet, to grieve, and to heal.
You roller-skated for the first time.
You went to a baseball game & fell in love with the players. You absolutely adore Josh Hamilton, and literally cry for him. You've even asked us to drive by his house several times, & I think it was probably a bad idea that your Daddy told you he lives less than a mile from us, and it wouldn't surprise me to get a phone call from the police someday, telling me you skipped out of preschool, walked across the road, & was found looking in his windows.
Your great-grandmother passed away, & you wanted to see her in the casket, which I allowed (PARENT FAIL? I don't know-I guess I'll ask you in 12 or so years).
You gave us all complete & utter terror attacks when we thought we lost you.
You completed your Daddy's sentence when he said "Mother F" (I will not forget the sound of your little voice telling him matter-of-factly, "It's FUCKER, Daddy. Mother FUCKER").
You started campaigning for a Nintendo DS, a baby brother, & most recently, the chance to have your pacifier back.
You started dressing yourself, and having strong opinions about what you want to wear every day.
You rolled with the punches, and moved a to a temporary house when our house flooded.
You went to the deer lease with your father, several times, looking for deer, cows, turkeys, and anything else you could scare off with your happy laughter. You enjoyed riding around in the Kubota RTV w/ him, which I affectionately call 'The Bubble'.
You learned how to whistle.
You learned the words to so many songs, including Pink's "So What" , Outkast's "Back of the Bus", and All American Rejects' "Hope it gives you hell". Tonight I heard you in your room after I put you to bed, singing "If you're happy and you know it". You have such a sweet little voice.
You are so smart, my baby. You can spell and write your name, and you are recognizing letters all over the place:on street signs, in the grocery aisles, in books, on TV. You love to learn, and spend time every day, on your own, doing pages in workbooks, asking me sweetly "Tell me what I do on this page, mommy".
When I put you to bed, we read a book (or two, or ten) and you insist on reading it to me after I read it. You asked to be rocked, and we sit on the floor in front of your bed, where I pull you into my lap and rock you gently, while breathing in the scent of your hair. You climb into bed willingly, asking for every damn receiving blanket to be layered over you, and placing your Old Man Dog, Daisy, and 17,569 other small stuffed animals JUST SO at the foot of your bed.
You know how to manipulate, and push buttons, and annoy. You know how to get what you want. But just when I am being pushed to the edge of insanity with your whining, bossing, nagging, complaining, I-will-not-shut-up-until-you-give-me-what-I-want-damn-it....you soften the blow with a sweet smile, a soft kiss, and bright eyes. You tell me I am a good mommy just when I need to hear it most. You kiss me at the best times. You say "I love you" so often.
You are so silly. You love to laugh. You love to stuff your face full of grapes, steal my last chip, blow the wrappers off your straw at us, make silly faces and noises, & you NEVER sit still for pictures.
You are such a joy, even in the midst of the frustration. You are so much fun, playing hide-n-seek in the house with us, or duck-duck-goose. Your laugh is contagious when I tickle you until you lose your breath. You love to fart, shake your booty, and play with Daisy. In fact, you love all dogs.
You are my sweet girl, and it saddens me that the time is flying, that you are FOUR, that you are getting so damn long and smart and independent and feisty and fierce and.....I love all these things about you, but I just want it all to slow down. I just want to feel your little hand in mine, and hear you sing "I wanna hold your hand" when you do it.
Happy birthday, my sweet girl.
I, uh, just don't know what to say.
I'm not big enough-
I'm just one girl.
I can't get you out of this, and
I'm forced to stand by when you fall.
I hear the words
I'll listen when I can
I have no choice-
You break before you bend.
You left us all alone (together),
Looking for your place,
We cried as you walked away,
Wiped tears from his face.
I'm not big enough-
I'm just one girl.
I can't help him out of this
I'll stand by as he falls.
(written in 1997, unfinished)
I can't keep doing this,
This playing house,
this smiling fake, this walking in a fog,
I am not me,
You are not you,
I need to find that time,
Where we were one,
I cannot breathe.
Loneliness will sufficiate,
Anger will not leave.
I am so over this,
The time is so slow,
Waiting for the next sunrise
And the strength to let go.
(written in 2005)
Seriously, sometimes I want to shoot myself. Okay, not really, that's harsh. But jeez, do the people that write songs like this really feel these things? Or, do they climb in my heart while I'm asleep, poke around, see which spots are the most sore, the most weak, and steal the words out of my mouth before they ever reach my tongue?
Because, uh, here's the issue. Apparently every motherhumper besides my kid thinks that they are oh-so funny and they say something along the lines of "Oh, is Tigger giving it to Pooh?" or "Wow, I didn't know they were gay" or "Dude, are they fucking?" And every f-ing time, I have to explain to the stupid people, "Noooooooo, Tigger POUNCES. He POUNCES on everyone. Get your damn mind out of the gutter!"
And frankly, I'm so sick of explaining and getting the sideways glances and giggles. *defeated sigh*
So, I was thinking of getting Pooh covered up, so Tigger is left. Or, maybe I could get something like a cherry blossom branch and they could tattoo lots of white over all of it? Hell, I really need to see a good artist for this one.
Any suggestions, people?
Also, my brother has been hounding me for YEARS to go get another tattoo, and I totally want to, but I want something that means something to me. And I'm thinking of getting something on the top of my foot, or on my shoulder. Squeee!
I've found that I don't trust you,
When I'm with you.
I am nervous
And watching every step
Ready to defend & prove
My unselfish servitude.
I refuse to do this again-
in my head.
But I will.
Don't tell me I'm wrong
Or that my thoughts are ignorant
That I have nothing to fear
And then tell me I haven't done enough.
More and more,
I feel my hope slipping.
I slide, in my tears
to my knees,
into a puddle of fear.
Grip what I cannot: my heart.
It is in my stomach churning,
No more, please stop.
I am wrong, mistaken.
I try my damnedest to do right by you,
but this aching-I am weak.
I give away what I need most-
I am broken, fallen.
You do this to me
And you are proud.
You know these scars well,
You pick at my wounds to see me bleed.
Because you know
I cannot stand the sight of my blood, mixed with my tears,
Because you know
I will turn my head,
Build me to break me
Kill me to save me
Apologize to do no good.
We knew I would.
Other things were more difficult: Burying my childhood dog, Victoria, who lived for 14 long, lucky years. More recently, losing my old man dog, Kooter. Burying my grandparents. Kissing my partying life goodbye when I decided I wanted to have a child. Saying goodbye to kids on my caseload, whether I wanted to or not. Agreeing to getting a fake Christmas tree, when I really didn't want to agree at all.
It's still difficult to deal with the fact that I no longer have the buff, strong, firm body that I had when I was 17. It's unpleasant to come to terms with the fact that my husband and I are not the same teenagers we once were (although we like to think we are sometimes, when we tie one off). I had to say goodbye to little tiny onesies and cute baby outfits, when my girl stopped being a baby. That's a tough one!
I've had to say goodbye to friendships. I've had to say goodbye to people I really cared about, bonded with, felt a connection with.
I've had to fight for (and sometimes lose) things I really believe in, and fight with people I love about those things.
But, the thing I cannot say goodbye to is.....
...the blanket my grandmother gave me when I was a very little girl. It was something she ordered in the mail, after collecting proof-of-purchase's. It is the Jolly Green Giant & Little Sprout. It is currently in my lap as I type this. Go ahead, laugh. It is warn out, faded, threadbare, see-through, and covered in dingle balls, all at the same time. But, it is soft, comfortable, cuddly, (somewhat)warm, and MINE. I love it. In high school I used it for warmth. In college-ditto. Now-ditto. But, it has been a source of comfort too, during difficult times in my life, when I am worn out, stressed, tired, sick, sad. And now, I have a 4 year old who says 'I want my mommy's blankie' when she is tired or cold. Oh hell, I have a blankie, and I'm 31. So can I really ever say anything about her little tiny blankie, when mine is full size? (See how threadbare it is? My hubby makes fun of it all the time)
It's not just that it is all of the above, but it is also that it is from my grandmother, who I truly adored, who is gone from my life in the physical sense. Except, not when I have this blanket. Then she is here, with me.
Maybe too much of my life is intertwined, caught up, stuck in music. I don't know. It's in my blood. I hear songs in my head when I sleep, sorta like a damn soundtrack to my dreams. Exactly like a soundtrack. This song is so sweet and melancholy, and I really didn't think of anyone when I heard it. It just made me melancholy. Until, I had a variation of the same dream about my college ex-boyfriend. And this played in my head as I dreamt. And now? Now it breaks my heart to hear it. I mean, it's exactly us, the way we were, in the end. The silence, the screaming, the heart-wrenching pain of knowing I have to walk away, I already walked away, how can I walk back after I already tore him up?
Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could sleep and not dream.
[Please excuse the darkness, the fact that I can't figure out which light switch goes to the outdoor light (hi-i've lived here almost 2 years), & the shitty visuals. Sleep.deprived.]
We were professional acquaintances. He was tall, handsome, full smile, warm eyes, a kind open face, although I didn't know any of this at first, since we only spoke on the phone. All professional, but small chit-chat at times. For well over two years, I only knew him by his voice.
When I met him, again, for work-related purposes, I was in awe. He did not look at all like I had imagined him to. Sorta like when you only know someone through their blog, and then when you actually talk to them on the phone, they sound nothing like you thought they would. But when you think about it, what would they have sounded like?
During this meeting, I felt his eyes on me. I tried not to flirt, but it just sorta came out. We talked about so many things, getting to know one another, all in one day. We all had to have lunch together, and he cracked me up (a theme here: all the men I have loved have cracked me up). He was smart, funny, outgoing, loud, polite, sexy.
We were (are) both married. Nothing inappropriate was ever said or done. We never addressed the spark, the connection, the feeling, except with our eyes.
He left the job for a better opportunity. He sent me an email, telling me it was a pleasure to work with me all these years, and that he would miss me. That's it. I didn't expect more, and am happy there wasn't more said. Because then it would be out there, between us, in our minds, and I don't think I could have handled that.
I'm not the cheating kind. I adore my husband. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I was put in that situation. I am typical Pisces-I am this way, and then that way. I am wishy-washy, so torn by each important decision I must make, feeling the balance of my world tilt, wobble, and fall back into place.
I left my job a couple of months later.
This was 2 years ago.
But this song, it's my bell. It rings, and I respond the same way every damn time. I think of him.
OMG, I love Pandora for sending me this one:
Lovesick Mistake by Erin McCarley
And this one I found on my own, playing on YouTube:
That's Not my Name by The Ting Tings
Also, not really related, but omg, both of these women are DROP.DEAD.GORGEOUS. I wanna be blessed with the beauty bug, dammit.
All in bullet-style:
- I've got so much going on lately, yet I find myself feeling bored at random times during the day. Am I boring myself?
- Why does my dog insist on waking me up 3 times every night? Still? It's been 6 months since my old man dog left us, and isn't she used to being the only dog in the house by now? Is it necessary that she whine until I wake up, run to the back door, and then immediately turn around, jump on the door, and bark at me when I put her out? I've tried Benadryl, I've tried feeding her twice a day, I've tried sleeping on the couch with her, I've tried running/walking her....I'm at my wits' end.
- Why am I shedding again? I don't have long hair, so why do I have clumps floating around on the bathroom floor?
- I have a dilemma: I have a credit with Southwest Airlines that I have to use by July 28th. But I have no time to go on a small trip between now & then. What the hell? Maybe I can sell it to someone? Can I schedule a trip, and then cancel it again, to extend the credit?
- If not, I may take a short trip to NOLA with the hubby, but really? do I want to do that? He would gamble the entire time. Sigh. What to do, what to do....
- I have been doing the Weight Watchers points system for 4 weeks. I have lost 4.5 lbs. I am beat down by it.
- I haven't eaten much deep-fried-in- shitty-grease stuff lately, thankfully. However, last Saturday when we were in the teeny town for the funeral, we went to this place that seemed like it would be fun and yummy, but was really hot, dirty, and gross. I got a chicken fried steak sandwich (probably worth 40 ww points) and it made my stomach hurt. I thought it was just crappy food, since it didn't taste so hot. It gave me the runs. But today I had to eat Sonic on the fly, and I had their popcorn chicken. Guess what? I got the runs. So maybe my body is done with fried stuff?
- I ordered an iHome alarm clock for my hubby's iphone. I ordered the wrong one. I returned it, and ordered the correct one today. It will be here Friday, and I can't wait to see how it works. If it works well, I'm buying one for my nano.
- And speaking of that nano, I have yet to take it out of the package. I just haven't had time. Plus, my itunes is on my work computer, and I'm always scrambling to get everything done at work as it is.
- I found several new blogs that I recommend: The Dark Side of My Mind, The Girl with the Pink Teacup, This is not the life I ordered, & The typing makes me sound busy. Check 'em out and give 'em some comment love.
- Why can't I be as funny as this lady? Or this lady? Or this lady? I am just not that fast with comebacks or funny stuff. Le sigh.
- There's some sort of swamp-like concert going on in my backyard at night. Between that and Daisy's whining, I'm losing sleep. I go to bed tired and wake up tired. What the hell?
- I'm so tired of the random bugs showing up in my bathroom. Remember last year?: the cricket in the drain? The spiders? All the other bugs? Well, last night it was an ant. I have no idea why I looked up while showering, but I did, and this stupid ant was crawling on the ceiling. The rest of my shower was spent panicking, worrying that he was going to fall on my damn head when I was rinsing out my hair. Proof:
- My tomato plants are doing AWESOME, but I'm the only one who eats tomatoes in this house (Daisy just puts them in her mouth and then drops them on the floor covered in drool), so I'm running out of things to do with the tomatoes. I don't have enough to make fresh pasta sauce. I'm thinking stuffed grilled tomatoes? Hmmmm.
- The skin tone on my face is disgusting. It seems to be getting worse, in spite of the SPF. I am really thinking of getting microdermabrasion done. Actually, I'm pretty sold on it, but can't find the time to get it done.
- That is all.
- Hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th! I will be going to see Ice Age today, see fireworks tonight, & bask in the sunshine (and drama) at my in-law's on Saturday.
If you are like me, you enter contests on people's blogs fairly regularly. And, if you are like me, you never win. Last summer I won a prize package from Fiona Picklebottom, and then hosted one of my very few contests, where 10 people commented, and 10 people won. Except, I am pretty sure I never sent Just a Girl her prize, but I'm hoping I will make it to Austin before the end of the f-ing century, and I can just give it to her in person.
[I'm having issues with Blogger-it's pretty difficult to move pictures around on the post once I upload them, and you might be able to hear my scream across the country] So, bear with me. I can't seem to put any descriptions between the pictures. So!
-The first picture is probably my favorite thing in the entire box-it's a teeny tiny flask! With a little key chain thingy on it! Portable alcohol! Handy and teeny and omg, sweet!
-A little package of incense, a teeny elephant incense holder, and 2 pretty flower candles. These are going to work with me ASAP.
-Spray hand sanitizer and a little page holder. And yes, my camera blows in comparison to other bloggers' bad-ass cameras, but the page holder has a little whale and a beach inside.
-The next 3 pictures are of little soaps shaped in symbols #&$@? and flowers. And I am so smart that I thought maybe, just maybe, the flowers were actually candy. So I opened them and lightly licked one. Not candy. Soap. Thank GOODNESS I didn't bite into it.
-Gum that I'm hiding from my kid, because she thinks anything in my purse belongs to HER.
-And lastly, things I will share with my girl: A little San Fran cup, teeny fireworks, and sidewalk chalk (the death of me).
-And not pictured: A CD that she made. I can't wait to hear it and report back. You know I love my music!!
Thank you, thank you Jules! I am so excited to have won a contest (even if I did get soap in my teeth)!
I will be hosting my own contest soon (to keep in the spirit of Swistle's Pay it Forward Contests), and will post details next week.