Music Lover Monday on a rainy day

[She's my Kind of Rain by Tim McGraw]



[Raining on Sunday by Keith Urban]

I don't write a lot about my husband because he's much more private than I. He has his doubts about the beauty of friendship that grows out of blogging. While he seemingly respects my writing, he doesn't say much about it either way. I respect his opinion, and don't share too much about him. However.
These things come from my heart, my soul, and this is my blog. So. I will share safe things from my heart.

These two songs never fail to make me think of him. Tim McGraw's song came out not long after my girl was born, and there were some other things going on in our life together, besides a new baby and his growing business. The first time I heard the song, I grew still in my skin, and soaked up the words. It's sweet, kind, and endearing.
Keith Urban's song came out just prior to a busy time in our lives. I was always working, he was thinking of starting up his own company, and by the time his company was in full swing, that song was playing on the radio several times a day. I remember us both constantly going, striving for good things, and I felt very much like we were missing out on something desperately important: us.
If you happen to be reading this, love, these songs speak to me, and I hope they speak to you.

GTT-Call me a chicket shit ONE.MORE.TIME

The things I will probably never do, although I'm pretty sure they would all be awesome if I had the balls:

• Skydive-My heart would probably be in my stomach the entire time, I would make weird animal sounds, and I'd pee my pants, shit my pants, puke, or all of the above. I'll pass.
• Bungee jump-See above.
• Go scuba diving-I have this odd issue with being in the water with fish. I want to be able to swim with the fishies, appreciate the beauty underwater, but I get all nervous and batshit. Pass. 
• Go real-life mountain climbing. I'm not a wuss, but I'm also not that badass.
• Go hunting w/ my hubby. Now, this is a tricky one. See, I really don't want to shoot and kill an animal, especially a deer, but I guess I sorta see the appeal for my hubby. I just wish I could share in that with him, I guess? I don't know. This one's just meh. Pass.
• Run some sort of marathon, 5K, etc. I walk several each year, but I would love to be able to just run the entire time. 
• Tell my mother-in-law what I think of her shitty attitude towards her son (my hubby), myself, and everyone related to me. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This one is a death sentence. Not gonna happen. 

What about you? What are you too afraid to do?

Bah (Or rather: MOO, if we are being politically correct)

My hubby bought me a gorgeous sweater/coat/jacket thingy from Anthropologie that I was drooling over. He bought it right when we moved into this house. It's made of wool.
Do you need an outline to see where this is going?
I wore the hell out of it over the holidays. I wore it last week to my internship, where I may or may not have spilled salad dressing on it during one of my intense hunger pangs, where I may or may not have been sneezed on by a resident, with gusto.
So.
Into the wash it went.
Except I didn't read the damn tag. COLD WATER. HAND WASH. *shakes fist at sky*
I washed it in warm water, and luckily I did the whole gentle cycle thing.
Except I fell asleep before the washing machine was done doing it's thing.
I woke up to a damn sweater/coat/jacket that would probably fit my 4 year old snuggly.
Of course, I panicked. And at 6:30 in the morning I was googling HOW TO STRETCH WOOL. And yes, like the 12 year old boy I am, I giggled at that. (Pull wool? Bwahahahaha! No? Okay, fine.) But still, panic.
So I did what the damn internet said to do. I soaked it in cool water with some hair conditioner. And then I soaked it some more. And then I began pulling wool (Bwahahaha. Oh. Sorry).
The motherfucker still looks snug. I don't have an ounce of bravery to sneak into my laundry room right now and see if it fits me.
Any suggestions? Will it start to stretch again as I wear it, like my stupid jeans? Please say yes. PLEASE.
And if that being tight isn't bad enough, I might as well talk about how tight my clothes are. Or rather, how they feel the same, despite working out 4 days a week for the last 3 weeks. Should I mention that I lost half a damn pound last week? Do you have any flippin' idea how damn hard it is to avoid sweets? Pastries? Chocolate cake? Yummy ice cream?? I avoid all.of.that. and all I lose is half a damn pound????  *shakes fist at sky*
And closely related, can I tell you that I made the best pork ribs in the slow cooker yesterday? Omg, I was drooling all day thinking about them, and then I walked in after class, and o.m.g. They smelled heavenly. And! Tasted just as good!
I was a good girl and ate a small portion, although what I really wanted to do was eat the entire amount of leftover heaven-sent ribs, and lick the inside of the slow cooker. I didn't; I swear.
However, back to the whole losing weight/getting in shape/eating healthy bullshit:
I am in a calorie deficit every damn day. I am eating about 1200 calories a day. And I am hungry. I wake up with my mouth watering and my stomach threatening to eat my liver. I go to bed hungry. It is a damn battle not to walk into my kitchen and stuff every sweet thing in my mouth right now. How the hell do I get past this? Why am I more hungry, even though I'm eating high-protein stuff that I like? Also? Could I miss pasta a little bit more?
And since I'm still on the subject of food, can I tell you how much I love my Biggest Loser & Hungry Girl cookbooks? I made a yummy enchilada soup from Hungry Girl earlier this week, (and I plan on making the wanton soup this weekend that she features at that same link), and I'm going to make orange chicken (healthy! I swear!) in the slow cooker too. But! I could always use some recommendations on yummy slow cooker meals. Anyone wanna share?
Now off to the kitchen to eat something halfway healthy.

(And before I forget! Thank you to all of you who sent me messages of support & utter kindness in reference to my Violence Unsilenced post. I appreciate it. As I said to several of you, it is so damn long ago that I don't even get angry about it anymore, other than to mourn the fact that I wasted about a year of my life. Also? Thank you for your support and encouragement in reference to my For the Taking series. I'm almost done with it. It's been hard, thinking about someone who is GONE, and realizing how quickly anyone's path can change, for better or worse. But it's been good to get it out, out of my head. Thanks everyone.)

For the taking (Part 3)

Part 1
Part 2

Twelve years.
For me: Heartache. Love. Commitment. Marriage. Graduation. Houses. Childbirth. Grad School.
For him: Heartache. Drugs. A child. Sobriety.

While pregnant, I walked the trail by the creek. Kevin came to mind at that 3rd curve, but I shoved him out of my mind, back to his little cave in the center of my heart. I would hear certain songs and my chest would clench.
I did a search for him on Myspace a couple of times, wondering if he was still alive. I know that sounds morbid, but I had an idea that things had not gone well back then.

In 2009, twelve years after that letter, after my life took another path, I received a message from him via Myspace.
He was alive.
And sober.
And healthy.

He apologized; I barely acknowledged it. We emailed back and forth a bit, about life:
He had a son, but rarely saw him, against his will. He was sober. He went to  church, played for the band there, was involved in the youth program.
I told him about my path, my marriage, my child, my job.
I expressed relief at knowing he was okay after all these years.
He expressed relief at the fact that I even responded to his email.

A month later, I had a series of dreams about him, struggling, fighting, crying out. I sent him a message, asking if he is okay: Is he struggling with his sobriety? Is he taking care of his diabetes?
He responds that he is doing well, that his diabetes is fine, but we could all use a bit more strength and prayer. He reassures me that he will never go to that place again.

That was 10 months ago.

The night I wrote this post, I heard one of the two songs in the post. That's what prompted the post in the first place. I sat right where I'm sitting now, and felt a hollow pain in my gut. After hitting publish, I went to Myspace to send him a message.
I'm not sure what I would have said in the email. How I was sorry our paths had diverged? How I missed him? How I felt guilty even thinking about the 'us' of 12 years prior, since I adore my hubby? What??
I clicked on his profile, only to see several people's comments saying they would miss him and they loved him. Like an idiot, I left a comment: "Where are you Kevin? Are you okay??"
I then did a google search, feeling the bile rise into my mouth.
He died.

He died a few weeks after our last brief email conversation. I sat in this chair, where I sit now, and sobbed. I emailed his cousin via Myspace, asking her what had happened. I searched my county's medical examiner website, hoping there was an autopsy with his name on it, and dreading it at the same time. There was none.

I found his obit online. It mentions his son's name. I sobbed even more.
I spent a fair amount of time online, searching all over, trying to find out what happened.
I barely slept that night.
I waited for almost 3 weeks for his cousin's response.

Music Lover Monday-New song I ganked from the playlist of a cool person

In the world of music, I'm in a weird place. I'm trying to avoid falling into the black hole of the old melancholy stuff I love. I don't want to be melancholy right now, even though I LOVE some of that music. Also? The damn radio has really been hammering it to me lately-I can't go a day without several songs twist my heart up.
So....I know I can always go to Alan, who gives me wonderful recs (and even makes me CDs & sends them to me! How kickass is that?!), but I decided I would go search some new stuff out as well. (Don't worry Alan-the email is coming!)
I usually don't go trolling through iTunes (I know, I know-"Why not?" meh), but I'm so glad I did!
1. Nevertheless by The Brian Jonestown Massacre
 
I got this one from Aziz Ansari's playlist. I love Parks & Recreation, and he cracks me the hell up, so I figured I'd check out his picks. Pretty good, huh?
(And hush your mouth about the fact that this song is indeed melancholy too. I know, I know....)

For the taking (Part 2)

Part 1 is here.

I had a spot where I went to think, to write, to just be. I shared it with others. Sometimes we would drive a friend's dirt bike around the area; other times we would climb down to the creek, skip stones, cross at all the low points, sit along the "shore". We shared the day's events, the plans for the weekend, our fears, our dreams, silly jokes, laughs.
I shared this place with Kevin. It was the place we hung out after school, when we both wanted to hide from home, from parents, from aching stresses. It somehow became "our" place.
I went there after the paramedics arrived.
I parked, slid down the dirt to the shore of the creek, grabbed some stones to throw. I couldn't quiet my insides. I didn't know what to do with myself.
***
I heard through mutual friends that he was okay. He was now forced to take notice of his blood sugar, and be responsible with his diabetes. He hadn't eaten, and he didn't have anyone who noticed. If I hadn't of stopped by....well.

We somehow started talking on the phone. Someone told him I had found him. He thanked me. I cried.
***
I graduated high school without ever seeing him again. I started college, discovered college boys, fell hard for a guy in my Tuesday/Thursday History class.
A park was built around our place, a running path shadowing the curve of the creek. Houses went up in the field. I ran 3 miles a day on that path. At the 3rd curve, I would stop, stare down at the creek, and ache. Wonder where he was, how he was, if he was still playing the guitar, skateboarding in the dark, wishing for his "perfect drug". I was so dramatic.
Then.
To be honest, I have absolutely no idea how we found one another. All I know is I got ahold of an address, I wrote a letter, and received a response. He was in California. Had moved there with his younger brother and mom, who was recently remarried. He was clean & sober. He was eating.

He called me. We began talking all the time. I had to buy phone cards. I would lie on the driveway under the pear tree, stare at the stars, and listen to his voice. My life revolved around those phone calls. I would write lyrics & send them to him. He would write music to them, and play the melody over the phone for me.

We made plans. I applied to a college near his home. He got a job. He started looking for apartments. We wrote one another non-stop; I would receive at least one letter a day. There was an old house several blocks from the beach with our names on it; he'd called me as soon as he'd seen it. I can still close my eyes and imagine my sitting on the front steps with a journal on my knees, while he skateboarded on the sidewalk.

We made plans. I was his for the taking.

He was lonely there. His brother was growing up, and had his own friends. His mother was a newlywed. He was sober. I convinced him to apply for jobs, make new friends. We were counting down the days until I would be there.
He got a job, made a few friends. He sounded happy. He would call me late at night, and tell me how peaceful it was to sit along the rocky part of the shore at dawn, just before he surfed. He promised to take me there; it would be our new "place".
The phone calls became a bit sporadic, the letters almost non-existent. I would call and his mother would answer, telling me he wasn't home from work. I worried. That bitch with no self-esteem took over-I was afraid maybe he didn't want me after all? Maybe he didn't want me to move out there? Maybe...?
When we did talk, he was vague, saying he was working extra hours to save up for our house together.
One day I met the mailman at the edge of my driveway, pulling in from class. He handed me two letters: One was an acceptance letter from the college near his home. The other had a California postmark, but I didn't recognize the handwriting. I sat down on the driveway hard, when I read it.
It was from some chick, telling me to leave him the fuck alone, that he had moved on to better things, and suggesting that I do the same. It ended with something about how he was great in bed. My mind twisted those words around and around until I felt like vomiting. I don't even know.
If she was hoping to upset me, she succeeded. I called his house, and got his mother. She was pretty upset, saying she hadn't seen him in three days.
I called back a few days later. She still hadn't seen him. She had a bad feeling, and so did I.
He didn't stay sober. He never called me back. He never wrote me again.
I didn't move to California. I didn't transfer to the school there. And I didn't hear from him for 12 years.

Beauty stuff (GTT)

Beauty secrets revealed! *snort*

• Sexy bras! Sexy bras can do a lot for you. Not only do they make you feel beautiful, but they put those bad boys (or girls, as it were) exactly where they should be-picked up and perky! And men (and women!) love a sexy bra, even if it ends up on the bedroom floor in 4.2 seconds.
• When I don't want my naturally curly fuzzy/clusterfuck hair, I use a Chi flat iron. I promise you it is worth the cost. I had a cheap one for awhile, and omg, it was so frustrating!
• Closely related: Turn Up the Heat Protection Spray This stuff works great! A little goes a lonnnnng way. It smells like cotton candy, it makes my hair shiny, and it protects it from all that Chi heat. Suggestion: spray it on your hands and work it through your hair.
• Beauty Snob-I might not be able to afford many (or any!) of the beauty ideas they discuss, but I love it anyway!
• Sephora- I truly never thought I would be a beauty whore, but I love this place! I love trying new things, little samples, a shiny lip gloss, etc. The free samples & great deals help too.
• White eyeliner-I use it in the corners of my eyes (outer and inner) and under my lower lashes. I smudge it with my finger. It helps me look a bit more ALIVE on those mornings after being up all night with the sassy girl.
• MOISTURIZE! Once in the morning, and twice at night!
• I don't ever fake bake my face. I use bronzer. I love this one and this one. They both look natural, feel light on my skin, and don't clog my pores.
• All bullshit aside, here's a big one: Trying to accept myself just the way I am. Loving the skin I'm in, taking care of myself the best I can, and being comfortable with myself. It's HARD, don't get me wrong, and I will be the first person to list the things I want to change on my body (jelly belly, waistline, shitty skin on face), but every day, I work at looking at the positives (eyes, smile(NOT teeth), boobs *rolls eyes*), and accentuating those things.

And....there's my useless post for the day. ;)