Strangled

Most days, I feel hope blossoming within me, and I find strength in this. I feel it taking root, sprouting new leaves, straining to reach new heights.

Most days.

Today is not one of those days.

Today:
My neck is tired from holding my chin up. My eyes feel swollen, burning as they push within the sockets. My body aches from holding onto the hope. I feel the hope itself, wilting, dragging me down with it. I find myself falling from the new heights I was reaching for, sliding back down into this hole, this place of disgusting introspection and self-analyzation, the place worn comfortable by my tears and loneliness.

In this place, I don't want to be positive. And even if I did, I don't need to, and I can't.

I don't even want anyone else to do hope's job for me: I don't want anyone to tell me it will be okay, or that I will get a job soon, or that I will meet someone who craves being with me, or that it's okay to be alone, or that I deserve the best, or that they know how I feel, or that I'm beautiful or good or smart or sweet or fucking nuts.

I give in: to the negative, the sadness, the pity, the endless ocean of bullshit lies I used to believe. I feel my mind and my heart battling it out again: the logical vs. the illogical. The feeling vs. the knowing. The patience vs. the gluttony.I don't know which side is winning, which side I am willing to lose. I'm just too fucking tired today to even figure it out.

In my head, (and in my heart), I know this isn't where I need to be. I know this isn't what is healthy for me, or helpful, or even truthful.  Yet...

here I am.
Again.
Fuck.

I know it won't last long...maybe just for today this time.
But this day? It will last forever.
This day?
I want to scream at myself, within myself, and get my shit together....I want to let the hope grow like a weed, and take over, smother and strangle the negative, the painful, the lonely things I'm feeling. But...

not today.