Most days, I feel hope blossoming within me, and I find strength in this. I feel it taking root, sprouting new leaves, straining to reach new heights.

Most days.

Today is not one of those days.

My neck is tired from holding my chin up. My eyes feel swollen, burning as they push within the sockets. My body aches from holding onto the hope. I feel the hope itself, wilting, dragging me down with it. I find myself falling from the new heights I was reaching for, sliding back down into this hole, this place of disgusting introspection and self-analyzation, the place worn comfortable by my tears and loneliness.

In this place, I don't want to be positive. And even if I did, I don't need to, and I can't.

I don't even want anyone else to do hope's job for me: I don't want anyone to tell me it will be okay, or that I will get a job soon, or that I will meet someone who craves being with me, or that it's okay to be alone, or that I deserve the best, or that they know how I feel, or that I'm beautiful or good or smart or sweet or fucking nuts.

I give in: to the negative, the sadness, the pity, the endless ocean of bullshit lies I used to believe. I feel my mind and my heart battling it out again: the logical vs. the illogical. The feeling vs. the knowing. The patience vs. the gluttony.I don't know which side is winning, which side I am willing to lose. I'm just too fucking tired today to even figure it out.

In my head, (and in my heart), I know this isn't where I need to be. I know this isn't what is healthy for me, or helpful, or even truthful.  Yet...

here I am.

I know it won't last long...maybe just for today this time.
But this day? It will last forever.
This day?
I want to scream at myself, within myself, and get my shit together....I want to let the hope grow like a weed, and take over, smother and strangle the negative, the painful, the lonely things I'm feeling. But...

not today.


a li'l bit squishy said...

It's okay to wallow in misery sometimes. Today is that day. But tomorrow, well just think of the song from the ANNIE musical. It's only a day away.

Singer said...


I always remind myself, it's just weather and this too will pass like rainy days or sunshine...


MommyGeekology said...

aww fucking a honey. Love you. Hoping tomorrow is a blossoming hope day.

kris said...

here I am.

Oh, I have been here.
Again and again.
And yes . . . fuck.

Yes, indeed.

Left of Lost said...

@a li'l bit squishy-Yes, I agree that wallowing is wonderful and necessary at times. I'm just no good at it. I fill myself with guilt over the wallowing, like I don't deserve it.

@Singer-Ah, I am full of the rainy days w/ the sun shining through.

@Mommygeekology- <3 I miss you!

@kris- Yes. Fuck indeed.

Sarah said...

The sooner you allow yourself to feel this way maybe the sooner you won't have to. I know it sucks but you are being authentic to how you feel. *hugs*