What the H-E-double-L was I thinking?!

I'm going on an awesome trip to Mexico the end of May. I am excited & nervous, all at once. I really don't have to explain why I am excited: sand, turquoise ocean, sun, books, A.L.C.O.H.O.L., no work, no rain, no icicles, no brrrr!. Now, I am super nervous b/c:

A. My 2 1/2 year old has never been on a plane
B. My 2 1/2 year old has never left the state, let alone the country.
C. I have the driest, ashy-est skin I've ever seen on a white girl.
D. Oh, and I am wayyyyy white.
E. I need to lose some poundage. Like, 10 poundages.

Ugh. So. Since last week I have been doing some simple exercises, because quite frankly, I have been too damn lazy to get out the DVD player and do my Billy Blanks taebo or my yoga, or my pilates, or...okay, you get the point.
So, my calves are a bit sore, my arms are a bit sore (but still hefty).

I decided a quick fix to some of my concerns was to start tanning. I used to be one of those people that could walk out the mailbox & get tan. It was great! Now, not so much. Like I said, I'm pasty, ashy, dry, pale.....
So I've been tanning for a little over a week. I don't go every day b/c it makes me damn itchy. Itchy-er than I already am in the winter.
Well, today I 'beefed up' my tanning time to a whole 12 minutes. And....I look great if I do say so myself, but (get ready):
MY.ASS.IS.SO.INCREDIBLY.ITCHY.&.I.SEEM.TO.HAVE.BROKEN.OUT.IN.A.FEW.(AHEM!).HIVES.ON.MY.BUM.&.I.CAN'T.STOP.SCRATCHING.

I am miserable! Ack!
But I look good.