5.12.2008

Frickety Frick

After a day filled with food I wasn't in the mood to eat (although it was yummy), I was worn the hell out by 9pm. My girl went to sleep easy as pie, and I didn't even have the energy to think that it was tooo easy. I was already dreaming of curling in a ball in my bed, with the ceiling fan on high.

So off to Dreamland I went, fairly quickly, after watching an hour or so of Deadliest Catch (love that show!!). I slept that kind of deep, dark sleep that is just black and silent and full of NOTHING. Then, about 3 hours later, I woke up with my heart pounding in my chest, and my nerves on edge. I held my breath, listened for odd noises (other than all the damn snorers in my house!), and got up to get a drink. The dogs were still asleep, so I figured what my body was reacting to was not a sound, or they would have been barking their heads off. Or maybe not, because they are both getting a bit deaf in their old age.

I finally convinced myself I was nuts, and drifted back to sleep.

At 5am, I am having a sweet dream about someone I used to know, and in the middle of this dream is this unwelcome sound:

Sqweet, Sqweet.

Sqweet, Sqweet.

It is loud, annoying, never ending, and holy hell-did I mention LOUD????

I wake up and try to assess where this damn sound is coming from.

Sqweet, Sqweet.

I go to the living room, to make sure one of the dogs isn't chomping down on their squeak toy. Nope. Just snoring and farting in that room.

Sqweet, Sqweet.

I realize it is coming out of my bathroom. My bathroom, that is all travertine, beauty products, plants, and more travertine. To say the least, everything (and I do mean everything) echoes in there.

SQWEET, SQWEET.
SQWEET, SQWEET, SQWEET, SQWEET.

By this time, I am utterly annoyed that I'm up at 5am hunting for some fucking thing that apparently doesn't realize that the sun has set, not rose, and it is SLEEP-TIME in my house, NOT SQWEET TIME.

I track the sound to my walk-in shower. I briefly think about my girl saying Sunday morning, "There's a cricket in the dr-ain", but she has the memory of an elephant, and I figured she was talking about the time there really was a cricket in the drain.

But then I think, "Maybe there's another cricket in the drain". So my first idea was to fill a glass up with water and dump it down the drain, hoping to drown the fucker.

'Frickity frick, you stupid cricket.'

SQWEET, SQWEET, SQWEET.

What the hell? Why isn't he gargling, or drowning?

Next, I bang on the wall, which only makes him stop for a second or so. But then:

SQWEET, SQWEET, SQWEETSQWEETSQWEETSQWEETSQWEETSQWEET

OH HOLY FUCK! make it stop!

At this point, I balance the pros and cons of waking my husband up for something so damn dumb. I decide that silence and sleep is more important than my reputation (which, if I must say, is already shot with my husband-he thinks I'm a dork already).

So I wake him. He has this wild, non-focused look in his eye, and he frowns at me as I say: 'Do you f-ing hear that???'

Him: 'Yeah, what the hell is it?'

Me: 'A f-ing cricket, I think, but I can't find it!! Frick! Please help!!'

Him: 'Are you kidding? Jeez, just shut the bathroom door.'

So, I figure I'll give it a go, but now it is just a muffled SQWEET SQWEET and that does not help me any.

Me: 'I will go NUTS if that doesn't stop!'

Him: 'Just go back to sleep!'

Me: 'What? It woke me up!!! Are you kidding?'

So he begrudgedly gets out of bed and stumbles into the bathroom. Usually, I would be up his ass, telling him to just catch it and throw it outside, but at 5:20am, I just do NOT give a damn! So I hop in bed, and listen to:

SQWEET, SQWEETSQWEETSQWEET
'Where are you, you bastard?'
SQWEETSQWEETSQWEETSQWEET
'Oh, he's behind the shower spray cleaner. You didn't see him??'
SQWEETSQWEETSQWEETSQWEETSQWEET....

At this point I hear shower spray cleaner being sprayed, and I hear this:

SQWEET SQWEET SQWEEEEEEEeeeeet, sqweeeegggrrrgggllllllll.........

Ah, sweet silence.

And then:

'Squeak on that, mother-fucker.'



8 comments:

Chris Spencer said...

OH MY GOD. That's funny.

Heather said...

That cricket had it coming!

Misty said...

Oh. My. Gosh.

I'm still laughing...

Hiya, I'm Kristie. said...

That was funny! I hope you got some sleep, eventually.

alntv said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! And hopefully followed by a good morning nap...

MP said...

....That's great!!

Why is it you can hear them..but I can never find them....ever..

DeeDee said...

that was hilarious! it reminds me of this stupid bird that would keep pecking on my front window every morning at about 7 because the dumbass saw his reflection and was trying to protect his territory. that fucker did that for almost two weeks until i finally found his next and knocked that shit down!

Swistle said...

HA HA HA! I love "NOT SQWEET TIME!"