Where Oh Where

Ok, so here it goes. Danielle is off sunning herself and no doubt drinking herself silly, building sand castles with her adorable daughter and cozying up with a good book while baking in the sun. I made the mistake, er, friendly gesture, and asked if there was anything I could do to help her out with her last minute things in preparation for her trip. She suggested I be a guest blogger. I’ll admit I was hesitant at first. Well, hesitant isn’t the right word, I’m terrified. But I figured what the heck. It’s a good outlet for venting, no? Besides, it’s the last day before Danielle returns so it’s now or never. Keep in mind, I have absolutely no life outside of my children, so I have nothing of any relevance to post here. But, I’ll try to write something blog-worthy, but I have a feeling I’ll just end up rambling aimlessly. Let’s just hope by the time I’m done you’re not asleep on your keyboard.

I mentioned above that I have no life. And it’s really true. I knew before I had kids that my life would never again be the same, but I was in no way prepared for the number of ways it would change and how this little person would affect every aspect of my life. I could sit here and list all of the ways I’ll never again be the same and how now, every decision I make, no matter how miniscule, I consider how and if, it will affect my children. But instead, I’m going to be selfish for a bit and complain about how some days I feel as though I’ve lost myself.

I lie in bed at night (or stare blankly at my computer screen at work) thinking about all the things I no longer have time for. Hobbies, friends, family, projects, my husband, MYSELF! Where did I go? I used to go to movies, try out new restaurants, buy myself new clothes and shoes, read a book. Now, well, the last movie I saw in a theater was Talladega Nights (my husband picked), I haven’t been to a new restaurant since, well, I can’t remember, last bit of clothing I bought for myself was from a maternity store (so that doesn’t count), and books?! HA! Dear, sweet, Danielle has purchased me 3, count them, THREE books recently and while she’s been able to finish an entire book, start on another (not to mention all the ones she was able to complete while on vacation) I’ve been able to read 2 whole pages of the first book she gave me. 2 pages.

I love my children. I adore them. I’d give my life for them. Well, I guess in a way I already have, but you know what I mean. I just sometimes have these depressing moments when I think that I may never be ‘me’ again. It’s hard to find that balance between the dedication it takes to raise children and having your ‘own life’. Is it useless to pine away for the life I had before? I mean I can’t get it back. My life, as I knew it, has virtually disappeared.

So, since there is no fork in the road in front of me and there is no turning back, I’ll continue through the chaos of raising 2 children (and I know I shouldn’t complain, I only have 2 kids and an incredible husband, so I know there are others out there worse off than me, but I am being selfish here), and hope that a day will come and I will be able to regain more of who I used to be and triumph over the fact that I was able to make it through it all.

Forgive me for the somber and boring subject. I swear I’m not always this down in the dumps and boring. And I don’t mean to imply that I in any way regret the choices I’ve made or having my beautiful girls. I mean, just this morning I was telling a co-worker about how this time with my kids is so fleeting and how I love being a mom and my children are gifts, blah blah blah. But sometimes I just look back and wonder how my life transformed so drastically and when it happened?! It was so gradual, I hardly noticed. But I know I’ll go home today and see the smiling faces of my girls and my ‘own life’ will once again take a back seat, but I have a feeling, I won’t mind so much.