Regret the size of my heart
I originally posted this on my blog on myspace August 23, 2006. I read this post by Moo the other day, and it made me think of this one. As of today, I have still never had any response from this person. Yet, this person still shows up in my dreams, and for days afterward, he stays on my mind.
I wonder what we are supposed to do when we are not forgiven. How should we take it? When do we forgive the person for not forgiving us? How? When does my heart stop hurting at the thought of this person, who was a dear friend, and nothing more, this person who will not speak to me, has not spoken to me in over 10 years? How do I forgive myself for ruining a good friendship?How do I just 'let it go'? --
So, I had this really awesome friend in high school. He was so funny, laid back, sweet, athletic, smart,and really loyal. I adored his family. I wanted to live at his house, but I don't recall that I was ever there day after day.....
We continued being friends once we both started college. I even went to hang out with him on his campus during the summer. I enjoyed my time with him there, but was startled to discover something new about him that I had never known before, and it scared the living shit out of me. He begged me to keep it a secret, and not tell anyone. I was so torn. I can't watch someone drown and not lend a hand. Have you seen those commercials that have a kid lying in the middle of the road and his friend sees an 18 wheeler coming, but doesn't move to help his friend in the road? Or the one where the kid is drowning in the lake and the friend is standing on the dock and isn't sure if he should help? They are 'say no to drugs' commercials.
Anyway, I was the person standing on the side of the road, or standing on the dock. I wanted to be as loyal as him, and make a promise that he wanted me to keep. I wanted to keep his secret, and make him happy. But, I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut too much.
He doesn't know this, but when I went home, I spent several days not sleeping...tossing and turning this crap in my mind. I was torn, and I have spent most of my life being torn when it comes to making decisions (damn it! why'd I have to be born a Pisces????). I wanted so badly to keep his secret. As far as I know, he has kept a few of my secrets from high school, so it only seemed fair, right? But if I kept his secret, it would destroy me, and possibly him, so....
I, in a roundabout way, told who needed to know that something was going on. I didn't say exactly what I saw or knew, just enough to get the point across.
And, somehow, we never spoke again. I don't know if we just lost touch, or if he thought I told and was pissed, or if we just grew up and away. I don't really know. But I know that a few years later I found him on Classmates and saw that he was doing sooooo much better.
And now, with the lovely discovery of the black hole that is MySpace, I have found him again...only to get no response. I have no idea if he is angry with me, or is just too busy to chat it up with an old friend, but:
If you are reading this, you know who you are. I am sorry for telling, but really, I am NOT sorry, because I feel that it was the best thing to happen for your sake. I could not have lived with myself if something hideous had happened to you. I did not want to look in your pretty eyes someday and see that the life had been extinguished. I hope you are doing well (seems that you are!) and I hope you can forgive me, if you are angry. I'd love to be friends again.