8.13.2009

Changes are acoming

Change is difficult. It is frustrating, scary, and sometimes exhilarating, depending on the circumstances. I consider myself a flexible, 'go with the flow' type of girl, for the most part. Of course, I like some of my life to be routine (like the 4 year old's bedtime, for instance, or my showers), but I usually welcome change. It means, to me, that there's another layer to life, that the twists and turns are making me a bit more complex and human.



I've got some good changes going on, that I want to share:

1.I'm starting my 2nd year of grad school in 2 weeks. Am excited, but give me a few weeks, and I'll be a ball of nerves again. Am getting worried about how this all is gonna work out (see below), and worry that I won't get this done in the 3 years alloted to me.

2.We bought an elliptical machine, and I am SO getting my ass on it for an hour, 5 days a week, for the next 30 days, and I'm going to keep track of my measurements. I will post later this week, maybe. Hmmmm. Of course, we will have to figure out how to get the damn thing in the house, since hubby hurt his back trying to do it himself.


3.We are in the process of adopting a dog. My Daisy can't go on this way for much longer. She is so very down and lonely, and also? We miss having 2 dogs in our lives too. My girl still cries for my Kooter dog, and I still ache for him at random times (like when I watch sad movies and bust out crying-he always consoled me). I will most definitely be one of those ladies when I get older-the one with 7 dogs-and I will be in absolute bliss. The adoption process is pretty annoying; I think it might be a tad easier to adopt a baby, but we are going through the motions, and I hope, hope, *HOPE* to have good news soon. A couple of you have seen the pictures of the specific doggie we are gunning for. I am trying to keep that information off of here until it's official, for the simple fact that I feel like I will jinx myself if I tell you his name and let you see his sweet face. But for now, let me just say that when I read his profile, I started to choke up, and his eyes made me think of my Kooter dog, and I just knew he was the one I wanted to bring home. So. We will see.


4.This last one, I'm flipping out a little bit. I mean, seriously. My stress level has gone up about 5000% percent, and I've thought a lot about whether I really want to post about it or not. Not because I don't want to share with you, but because I'm feeling a little superstitious and I really don't want to jinx anything, or upset anyone.

We all know the economy is batshit crazy right now. My hubby owns his own company, and it's in the construction industry. Things have slowed down. He's laid people off. We've downsized as much as we can, and he is considering moving the office/shop to another cheaper building. The stress of waiting for the phone to ring, with someone on the other end telling him he was awarded another job...it's brutal. The waiting really is the worst part, isn't it?


Anyway, I'm not sure how much worse it's gonna get. But at this very moment, it is bad enough that I am looking for another job, one that will HOPEFULLY provide benefits, and give us some stable income. Not sure how this is going to impact my school schedule, or my 2nd internship that I should be doing in the Spring, or my time with my girl, or my time to see friends, or my time to read, write, blog....I have no f-ing idea what is going to happen right now, and for once, I am really nervous. I think part of the panic is because the media really gives us both ends of the spectrum in terms of the economy (it's 'gonna get worse' or 'it's hit the up-turn'), and normally I try to ignore the back and forth shit that the media feeds us...I try not to feed into the hysteria, but I gotta be honest, interwebs, I am freaking the fuck out over here.


My hubby has put in 4 and a half years of hard-ass work...long ass hours, nights where he didn't come home at all...my girl spent a ton of fucking time without her Daddy, because he was busting his ass to make this work. I spent a large portion of my pregnancy alone, in the middle of 23 fucking acres. I spent a large portion of my girl's newborn months alone, because he was busting his ass. And he has been so damn successful; I am incredibly proud of him. He is such a hard worker, he is so amazingly smart when it comes to being successful. And although all the time away from us has sucked, it was worth it. Which is why I am freaking the fuck out right now. I don't want all that to be wasted. I don't want him to have to compromise his work, his ethic, his success, to make ends meet. Also? I see the stress in his face, and I hate it for him. I worry about him so much....I wake up in the middle of the night to find him wide awake. My husband, the one that falls asleep anywhere, even behind the wheel. I'm trying to be easy going, happy go lucky, laid back, for his sake, but omg, people, I'm freaking out. I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror and I think "Holy shit-I don't look like someone who has her shit together right now". And I guess I don't.

My final fear associated with all of this, and really at the bottom of the list, is my depression. I haven't yet talked about that here, not really. But it runs in my family, and quite simply, I've been struggling on and off with it since I gave birth 4 years ago. I find myself being irritated, short-fused, annoyed, tired, achy, hopeless, etc. more often lately, and I don't know if it is all just associated with the stress of my life right now, or if it's the depression creeping back in. Sorta hard to sort out. Plus, I'm so tired, who even has the patience or energy to TRY to sort it out?!

I'm in deep over here. I don't like to write woe-is-me posts. I don't like to whine or complain when I know things could be much much worse. I don't like people to think I'm looking for sympathy. I also don't know how to end posts like this, so...yeah.

10 comments:

alntv said...

Let me tell you DL...I completely understand the stress you & your husband are under. I am an independent contractor and my wife works for a charity. This summer has completely depleted our savings and I have had a very tough time dealing with the aftermath of where all our money went (especially the money we had saved in IRAs and such. Seriously depressing). So believe me, you are not alone. I have talked to many about this and depression, anxiety, anger and fear are only a few emotions that I have been dealing with. There are no answers...and that is the problem.

I can't wait to see your new addition! I'm sure you & your family will be happier! I've thought about possibly getting a new dog for our dog to play with. The kids don't play with Barkley as much as I thought they would and he's gettin' kinda chunky (much like myself...unfortunately).

I LOVE ellyptical machines! But I hope your husband's back is ok! I have had severe back issues in the past and they ain't fun. So give the man lots of TLC and try to get him to ice it and to stretch. I wish I could recommend a chiropractor, but I went to them for years and I fear that it might have made matters worse. Not saying they don't have a purpose, but I really believe stretching and lifting with your legs and such are the way to go.

Ooookay...this might be the longest comment I've ever posted to you. I'm thinking of you and your family and I hope life gets a little easier as soon as possible!

Badass Geek said...

I just want to hug you, and hope that it'd help just a little.

Legallyblondemel said...

You're not whining at all - that is absolutely so much to think about. Any of us would be struggling to take it all in.

I'm so happy that you may be adopting a dog; at least that is one furry, loving ball of positive.

And it's brave of you to admit your depression struggles. It runs in my family too, and I feel like I'm always on the alert for it to creep out in me. Good on you for facing it headfirst.

PS - Saw your tweet about your husband; sending prayers that he feels better soon!

Moonspun said...

The fact that you are worried about your husband and the stress of his company, for HIS sake and not for yours speaks volumes about who you are. It's normal to be worried...and one way or another it will get better.
I wish there were easy answers and I could fix it for you. But having just listened to my BF cry on the phone last night and be torn from frustration of not being able to fix things for her, I know all I can say is that I am thinking of you. And your family. And good for you for delving back into grad school!

Sarah said...

I can't wait to meet the new puppy, I am sure it will breathe some fresh energy into the house. I know you have a lot of stuff going on. It seems that life just gives you so much when you are ready for like half of what you are getting thrown at ya. Hang in there hon,

marathon mom said...

You are not alone my friend :)

So sorry he hurt himself moving the e-machine!! Hope the weekend is relaxing....

It will all work out, promise!

TUWABVB said...

Oh honey - I wish I could do more for you than just listen. I know exactly what you are feeling, both on the money freaking out front and on the depression front. And it's hard when you know your spouse is freaking out as well, because you can't really talk to them about your worries since they'll just worry more. So maybe all I can do is listen - I'm here for whatever you need. ((Hugs))

Miss Grace said...

I love you. I'm here for you.

Auntie Em said...

OK...yeah, it's "in the family" but right now all I can say is breath deeply and close your eyes and sit quietly for a time. Things will get better. Don't listen to the news cause it will make you nuts! Look at Gracie. Smile at Will and look into his beautiful eyes and then sprinkle fairy dust on your worry and fears. After 55 years of this life...I gotta tell ya, the only think I can say is "simplify".

Raging Dad said...

Yikes, sounds very stressful. These are tough times for a lot of folks, I'm sorry that you are under a lot of pressure.