After a quiet yet patience-taxing weekend, I am at a loss. I sit here with so much I want to write, so much I want to say, yet...
I am silent.
I'm busy and tired and short-tempered and need a break and love my internship and love my part-time job and am sick of cleaning and doing laundry and am exhausted and....
I know I have the strength to keep going. This schedule won't last forever. There will be small breaks that will re-fuel me (Like today, after I go to the drycleaners, pay bills, do schoolwork, do admin stuff for my hubby, go to the grocery store....you get the point).
What weakens me is the realization that I can't do it all; I am not a ninja, I am not made of magic. I can't play with my girl every second of every day. I can't entertain her, or keep her happy. I can't do everything when my hubby needs it, or when I want it. I can't teach my girl valuable lessons (like how to be kind to the girl who is always mean in her class). I am out of patience. I am tired and there's a dull ache behind my eyes, even now. My bed beckons me. I want to surrender to sleep, and let someone else do the hard stuff. But there is no one else.
So I ask you:
How can you teach your child to be kind and patient, when you yourself struggle with it daily?
How can you teach your child to do the right thing, to think before she acts, to keep others' feelings in mind, when you yourself are insanely frustrated that things.aren't.going.the.way.you.want?
I realize that every day doesn't need to be a lesson in living for my girl. I realize that every day won't be perfect. I realize I over-analyze things.
I am trying to learn to STOP. and BREATHE. and just BE.
But how do you just BE when you are constantly scrambling, fretting about your possible mistakes in the art of being a parent, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a student?
I woke with a start early this morning, at 3:11am, with this verse bouncing between my ears:
"Be still, and know that I am God".
I'm trying. I really am.