3.03.2010

And so it goes.....

After a quiet yet patience-taxing weekend, I am at a loss. I sit here with so much I want to write, so much I want to say, yet...
I am silent.

I'm busy and tired and short-tempered and need a break and love my internship and love my part-time job and am sick of cleaning and doing laundry and am exhausted and....

I know I have the strength to keep going. This schedule won't last forever. There will be small breaks that will re-fuel me (Like today, after I go to the drycleaners, pay bills, do schoolwork, do admin stuff for my hubby, go to the grocery store....you get the point).

What weakens me is the realization that I can't do it all; I am not a ninja, I am not made of magic. I can't play with my girl every second of every day. I can't entertain her, or keep her happy. I can't do everything when my hubby needs it, or when I want it. I can't teach my girl valuable lessons (like how to be kind to the girl who is always mean in her class). I am out of patience. I am tired and there's a dull ache behind my eyes, even now. My bed beckons me. I want to surrender to sleep, and let someone else do the hard stuff. But there is no one else.

So I ask you:
How can you teach your child to be kind and patient, when you yourself struggle with it daily?
How can you teach your child to do the right thing, to think before she acts, to keep others' feelings in mind, when you yourself are insanely frustrated that things.aren't.going.the.way.you.want?

I realize that every day doesn't need to be a lesson in living for my girl. I realize that every day won't be perfect. I realize I over-analyze things.

I am trying to learn to STOP. and BREATHE. and just BE.
But how do you just BE when you are constantly scrambling, fretting about your possible mistakes in the art of being a parent, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a student?

I woke with a start early this morning, at 3:11am, with this verse bouncing between my ears:
"Be still, and know that I am God".

I'm trying. I really am.

9 comments:

Lindsey said...

I think this is the hardest thing in the world - to just BE. But also the most important. I don't have an answer, but I can tell you you're not alone in the struggle.
I also get random verses of hymns lodged in my head from time to time, and always wonder why they arrive.

Mommy Melee said...

I wish I had advice for you, but I can tell you I feel like this every day. Especially lately. My son is almost four and I struggle with patience/yelling every day. For him and for me.

Miss Grace said...

I constantly find myself whispering at the end of the day, "Tomorrow, tomorrow I'll do better. I'll try harder."

I don't have any advice sweetness, aside from don't be too hard on yourself, don't give up trying.

(And, p.s., you most certainly ARE made of magic)

Slee said...

I have had to let a lot of things slide which I didn't want to, but if they're not absolutely necessary, then I can't afford to kill myself and take time that my kids need to devote to things less important than they are. In the end, the house is a mess, the yard has gone to crap, but I can't do it all either. *hugs*

Ewokmama said...

I think every parent experiences these feelings. In the face of your struggles, all you can do is share your thoughts on these subjects with your child and hope she figured things out by watching you and listening to you. I've learned a lot from the way my parents handled things.

BeautifulWreck said...

I have often said that I fail my children everyday. Everyday. Horrible I know. I am not always kind, I yell, I'm loud, and I say ugly things. Sometimes all at once. I feel like I am constantly starting over. Hopefully my kids will see that I kept trying to do the right thing, even as I failed.

Chibi Jeebs said...

Oh honey. :( I'm so sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I've always marveled at how well you DO keep so many balls in the air - I feel like I fail at doing enough (read: all of it), and I'm *not* juggling work with school AND a child.

xoxo

Sarah said...

oh hon, I totally remember those days of school, interning and work...I can't imagine adding hubby and daughter. hang in there hon, it will end I promise. You are doing a great job!

TUWABVB said...

I think that all we can do is get up every a morning and try again each day. I do believe that you have a LOT going on riht now and you need to make sure that you do take time to breathe and relax. I worry about you!