Since I'm not posting lately, I was happy to have Kelly from Chains of Yesterday ask if she could guest post. (She's about to have a new online home, and I can't wait to see it!) She's a strong-ass woman who has been through a shit storm lately, yet she has come out of it stronger, wiser, and just amazingly calm. Show her some love, will ya?
(Also, if you want to guest post, just send me an email. I promise I won't be gone forever....)
I’ve had the urge to write… kind of mini-urges. Nothing strong enough to actually GET me to write until now. Not sure what it is - my life is chaotic, money is non existent, the relationship (if you can call it that) with my ex is a mess all in itself, my house is a disaster. And yet? I’m smiling.
My teenager is moody, my roommate is depressed, I’m completely overwhelmed by all there is to do. And yet? I’m smiling.
Me, who swore up and down that I was done with kids, now has “custody” (or babysitting, your choice of which word to use) of an amazing little almost 3 year old boy every other weekend that lights up my world.
I’ve just made the hardest decision of my life - to place Christopher into a group home… and no matter how many disagree with me, it wasn’t them living my life on a day to day basis. And I’m at peace with that decision. It’s hard to see him there - while I’m not now nor have I ever been in denial about his diagnosis/prognosis, to me, he was just my son. Seeing him grouped with the “special needs/mentally retarded” children is hard, because I never really saw him that way. He was just my really big baby. But yet? I’m smiling. Because I know, in my heart, that it’s where he belongs. He seems almost happy there… and that’s a part of his personality that I’ve missed… it seems to be returning.
My teenager and I have reached a sort of understanding - believe me, he’s still a moody pain in the ass, but after an honest conversation about his treatment of me, he’s making changes. And knowing that he respects me enough to make those changes shows me a lot about what I’ve done as a mother, and how important I am to him.
It’s reached me through the grapevine (gotta love the internet/face book age) that my ex has a new girlfriend. I expected it to hurt - and in a way, it does. It hurts that he seems capable of giving her what he couldn’t give me. But more than anything, I’m happy for him. I’ll wait to tell him that until he decides to tell me about her himself. But I’m realizing that what it comes down to is simple. We fell into a teenage marriage when I got pregnant at 15. We did the “right thing”. But it wasn’t right for us. We weren’t right for each other. I can’t be what he needs, he can’t be what I need. And I think it’s great that we’re both moving on.
As for me? I don’t know what comes next in my life. I don’t know where I’m going, or how or when I’ll get there. But I want to enjoy the trip to wherever it is. I don’t know who, if anyone, I’ll wind up with. But regardless, I’ll be there. And it’s me that I have to learn how to get along with, that I have to learn to love.
I have lost the majority of my family in the past year, my home, my marriage, my dogs, what I thought was my LIFE. But that part was wrong. I have NOT lost my life. My life is what I’m going to make of it. Don’t know what that will be yet. But it will be mine… my life.
But I’ve also found out who my true friends are - those that stood by me and worried when I had my little stretch of rebellion. Those that have put up with my insane mood swings. Those that have held me when I cried, who have told me it WILL be okay, and that they will be there through it all.
I have someone in my life - someone who I’m not sure will last as that “special” someone, but will always have a special place in my heart, for telling me, for showing me, for teaching me that I’m special. That I deserve to be treated well, that I’m worth it. That he needs me in his life, that he wants me in his life. His smile makes me smile, his laugh is contagious, he appreciates all I do for him - yet he’s just as quick to push me down and make me relax while he does for ME. Someone who has helped me through one of the toughest times in my life, and allowed me to help him through his own hell… no matter that he puts up this macho man image to the world. He’s let me in to see the real him, he trusts me - with all that is his, with his life, his world, his love.
Through him, I’ve met and reconnected with people that I now consider my very own family - to replace the family that for some reason is incapable of showing love or loyalty to their own. This new family will always have a part in my life - because they’ve shown me what family really is. I owe them a debt that can never be repaid for that.
I have my friends (both in real life and online) that have stood beside me through my own personal hell. I had no idea that people were capable of loyalty like that - I’d never been shown that before. I’d never experienced it, never seen it firsthand.
And now, even through the infrequent tears, I’m smiling. I get to have the little monster this weekend, we have big plans - and I’m looking forward to it all. I’m taking him to see his daddy in FL in 2 weeks, a vacation I desperately need. People I need to see so badly. I need to surround myself with these new friends, new family, that have helped hold me up when I’ve been ready to collapse. In that, I also learned who I can't trust - and have removed those people from my life. They have no place there, I have no room for them.
I’m finally ready to move on with my life - truly ready. Wherever it takes me… I’ll be okay with that. I feel ready for whatever it is that comes next, I may falter, I may stumble, but I’ll continue to stand. It’s what I do.
Now, with all that being said, I hope to have a new site up and running by the end of the week. Chains of Yesterday is no longer my space. I’m no longer bound by my past, but instead looking to the future, full of hope and optimism. To those that have followed, emailed, commented, and just generally supported me - I’ll let you know where that is as soon as it’s up and running.