9.01.2010

When words fail

I am good with words. I always have been, even when I wasn't aware of it. Most of the time I can describe how I feel, even when it seems impossible to do so. I had a Hello Kitty diary at age 7, and a journal for writing poems by age 8. Give me a pen or pencil, and I could put down on paper what was going on in my head or heart.

But these days, I am at a loss. I don't know where to begin. Or what to write. I'm full of emotions, words, feelings, questions, statements, aches.....

I'm taking a journey I never thought I would. And honestly? I'm scared. Not because I don't think I will be okay, but because I just don't know what is around the bend.

I make it through my days. I stay up late, avoiding sleep, but at the same time yearning for it. It is when I am finally lying beneath my sheets that I feel the rawness of my life the last 9 months or so. I ache. I am exhausted. I can't even cry anymore. I can't even pray most nights. There's a hum coursing through my body. My life is shattered in pieces, scattered carelessly on the floor. Tossed away.

So. The beginning?

I'm getting divorced.

I'm actually not sure if that is the beginning or the end. It just *is*.

I will write about it. I will stumble over my words, struggle with my emotions, and try to find some peace in my life. I will sound like I have it all together. I will sound like I'm falling apart. I will be happy, relieved, content. I will be frightened, angry, crushed. I will be temperamental, depressed, yet confident.

I will continue to be a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I will pick up these pieces scattered on the floor, and rebuild myself: stronger, happier, more confident, at peace. I will continue to hope, continue to pray, continue to wish for a fantastic life, a beautiful love, a kind, gentle, & like-minded partner, and more babies. 

I will not give up.   




13 comments:

Jill O. said...

Always here with love and support. ALWAYS! We will all help see you through this.

jodifur said...

I'm so sorry. I wish you peace.

alntv said...

You have become one of my dearest friends and you know I will always be here for you! You need an ear, call me. You need a laugh, text me. And when the time comes, we can go out, have a few beers and I'll help you forget all the pain you've had the past year or so.

Take care of yourself DL. Smile as often as you can and put the past to bed. Time for a new future and yours is very bright!

Alan

Patrick said...

Been through it. Still recovering from it. You're not alone. You have my ear and my shoulder. Any time. :-)

Shelly Overlook said...

Best of luck to you on this journey.

angi said...

Been there. The pieces do fit back together again, if only in a different picture. I am starting to love the new view. Wishing you peace and remember that everything good or bad is best taken one day at a time. **hugs**

linlah said...

I think the end of anything is the begining of something. Hoping for the best for you.

Lauren said...

*HUGS* Divorce sucks. I'm so sorry.

Poetic Inspiration said...

((((HUGS)))))
Sorry!!!

Kristie said...

LOTS of love to you, darling. I'm here, close by, if you need me.

MarathonMom said...

So sorry. I know you are amazing and the greater loss is his.

The Coconut Diaries said...

In the midst of it all; you finished your degree, raised your daughter, and been the best person you can be.

You're amazing.

TUWABVB said...

The Coconut Diaries said exactly what I was thinking - and what I tired to relate to you earlier this week via text.

And the pieces will fit back together, perhaps in a different pattern, but one that makes more sense down the road - one that stays together on its own without you having to constantly fret that a piece is askew and the whole thing is about to fall apart. But that doesn't make it hurt any less right now.

Love you so much. I'm here if you need anything.