5.18.2011

Pain

I have some things I need to say, that I must get off my chest. And I already know, without a doubt, that saying them here, or saying them over the phone, or texting them, will not be enough. I won't sleep better, I won't feel the dead weight lifted off my heart, I won't walk lighter. Nothing will change. At all.
But if I don't say these things, thrust them out of the neverending swirl in my head, I will surely break. I teeter, even when I am perfectly balanced.

-I blame you for all of this hurt. I don't want to accept any fault, any responsibility, for the broken mess that we became. I seeth with a fury I thought was long-forgotten when our girl cries about missing one of us when she's with the other one of us. I want you to ache, to yearn, to grieve, to teeter, just like she does, just like I do. I want your head to be overflowing at night with the possibilities of the future, with the stresses of tomorrow, with the sorrow of today.
-While I say all of this, I feel guilty. Guilty that I don't want to forgive. Guilty that I still love. Guilty that I can't let the anger go yet. I want to take the high road, be a good example for our girl, show her that strength and hope and love do indeed outweigh all of the brutality of broken promises and divorce.

-I don't know what happened to some of the close friendships I had. I don't know why you and you and you all dropped out of my life...when I most needed someone to stand by me, support me, love me. I don't know what I did, or didn't do, to cause you to disappear during some of the darkest time in my life. I expected to lose friends that we had as a married couple, people I never felt sincerely liked me anyway, but I never expected you.

-I don't want to be played. I am too old for this. I don't want to wonder what you are doing, who you are really with, whether you are really interested or not. I don't want to play guessing games or 'let's pretend we don't really care' games. I trusted you as a friend. I opened up to you. I pushed through my anxiety about crossing that line from friendship to more, and this is what I got. It sounds ridiculously corny to say that I need you to be careful with my heart, but it is true. And sadly, I think I misjudged your intentions. I don't think you even wanted to get near my heart. Being friends is all we should do.

****
I do not feel better. I still feel full of all the wrong things, yet empty. I need to close my eyes and drift away.


5 comments:

TUWABVB said...

I hate hearing you hurt like this. I wish I could do something to ease your pain and just take it away. Please remember that you are an amazing mother regardless of whether you show your pain. I know that this pain can't last forever, but I hate that it's rested over your heart at all.

I'm thinking of you and wishing I could do more. In the meantime, sending you love and all my support.

Jenny Grace said...

I love you. Hang in there sugar.

Sarah said...

I know there is going to be a time in your life when all of this pain will be a distant memory-I just wish you could find some relief sooner. Hang in there honey, we're rooting for you

MarathonMom said...

I am sorry your friends disappeared through all this. That really sucks. You are allowed these feelings, so don't apologize. There are alot of things D does not take away - that is what makes you remarkable.

Chris said...

I understand so much more now than I did a year ago. I hate that you are hurting and wish you were already out the other side of this. Love you.