11.13.2011

No Rest for the Weary

I don't even know where to begin. I guess I thought that I could 'do' a relationship. I mean, I was in one for over 12 years, so how f-ing hard can it be to start over?? Oh, HA, I am an idiot-I am well aware of this as I type that.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I *think* that I do, and for days on end, the results of my efforts are wonderful: shared laughs, sweet smiles, warm feelings in the very center of my being....
...and then, I don't know. I become afraid. Afraid of hurting him, afraid of being hurt, afraid that I am falling too fast, afraid that I will open up completely and will be torn apart again.
So I squash those feelings.
But they keep resurfacing.
And without realizing it at first, I am becoming defensive. My walls are going back up, after I have let them down with such ease. And I don't know why.
Now I am doing damage to a relationship that is still new. I am acting a way I do not want to act, that is not part of my personality, and it is out of fear.
I am my own worst enemy, but fear is making a run for my money.
Fear.
And the fear is making me withdraw again. From the life I so desperately want and deserve.

4 comments:

Mrs. Irritation said...

Oh, honey. This makes me heart ache for you. There are so many platitudes that apply -nothing good is gained without something risked, good things come to those who wait, blahblahblah. But really you just have to trust yourself, and him, and do the best you can do. Good luck!

Canadian in Glasgow said...

I missed you!
You know me....and my take on things. If you are going to jump, jump all in. Give it everything. Getting hurt sucks...it's horrible. But what if? Can you live the rest of your life going 'what if'? You KNOW you deserve it....so, if you can..tear those walls down hun!

Dynamita said...

I know how you feel! I've been choosing guys knowing it's not going to last and that's nice but 'safe'. So I'm setting myself up for failure anyway... sigh. It's not great but I've learned a lot about myself in the process.

12 years is a long time, you are where you are... be patient with yourself :)

Chris said...

No No No- give him a chance. He's not the last guy or the guy before that. Don't assume he will hurt you like those in the past.
Love you.