I decided today that I officially need a vacation. Not gonna happen in reality, but I so need to get away. I'm just not sure from what exactly. I wake up, get my girl to school, go to work, come home, do mommy-related activities, put the kiddo to bed, attempt to read or write or watch some ridiculous tv, go to bed. Lately I have been packing. I unpacked a book so that I could read something. Something to distract me from my brain and my heart. They are driving me a little crazy.
I sit here tonight in the dark of my living room, surrounded by boxes. And again, I feel that terrible feeling of loneliness. It is so ridiculous. I am annoyed with myself for feeling this way. I am put out with my loneliness and my stupid heart's desire to share my life with someone.
We only live once, and I'm always saying that. And I see it every day at work: I love 60+ people who are at the end of their lives...time is growing small for them...and I enjoy their silliness, their sass, their crankiness....and I know damn well that my time will grow small soon too-my girl will soon be in 2nd grade, and then middle school, and then high school. I don't have forever, so I need to enjoy it! And I do, but.....
I feel myself growing more lonely. Not desperate. Not crazy girl. Just...lonely. I have some wonderful friends, and a handful that will check on me or be there in 2 seconds if I say "Yes, I need you". Ah.
But I don't say that very often.
But we all know I'm not talking about friends.
I feel so ridiculous to say that I am lonely for a GOOD, HONEST, STRONG, KIND, GIVING MAN. Do they exist?
I feel like I have a shit ton to offer someone. I feel like I'm a catch. ( Have you seen this??? *points at body*) (Kidding) I am not free of silly bullshit or imperfections, but I am good. And I just feel myself sitting here, wasting time for.... what?
I need a vacation, people. Away from myself.