Kris at Pretty All True always writes things that get my mind racing and my heart beating heavy and hard. One of her posts last week just made me ache, more so than I already was. It was so spot on! I felt anguish, frustration, fear, doubt, disappointment as I was reading it...all the things I have been feeling lately anyway.
Reading it made me feel less alone.
And then, this comment she left in response to someone's comment:
" Some of us are less, because we believe ourselves to be less.
Subjective trumps objective, every time.
Silly fear of mine. I've struggled with this for YEARS. This less than.
I can't really put my finger on when it began, the origin of my less than. Was it when I didn't get a part in the play freshman year of high school? Was it when I began to be talked about at school, made fun of, ridiculed? Was it when my then-boyfriend slept with someone else on my prom night? Was it when a friend chose drugs over me?
Or was it later, when my now-ex-husband discussed our pending divorce long before we ever thought of divorce? Or was it when he chose work over time with myself and our daughter, for years? Or was it after the divorce?
I think maybe all those things laid the groundwork for this less than. I think this less than has followed me well into adulthood, gaining strength with other things like lack of self-confidence and fear.
So here I am.
Objectively, cognitively, I know I am not less than. I know that I am valuable and priceless and full of worth and power and strength.
But subjectively? Emotionally? Ah. Such bullshit.
I am less than at work in terms of priorities for my boss.
I am less than at home in terms of everyone else's drama.
I am less than in my relationship....less important than everything else, everyone else.
No matter the objective, the words said....I still feel it. I still see it.
It is a terrible weakness to feel less than....to actually feel and say "I wish I was someone's first choice."
I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know how it started. But damn if it isn't painful. Because this less than teams up with that doubt and that fear and it's a hell of a weight to carry alone, a hell of a storm to fight alone.