Snuggle bunny

Cold weather makes me want to sleep. It doesn't help that my room is colder than the rest of my house. It causes me to burrow deeper into my pillows, curled in a ball with the covers up to my chin. 


It figures my child would be just like me in this regard.

She doesn't want to wake up in the mornings. She turns away from my voice, and shoves her head under a sea of blankets and stuffed animals. Sometimes she pulls the I-am-gonna-fake-you-out-and-pretend-I-can't-hear-you tactic. It's amazing she can keep a straight face at the silly things I whisper through her crazy curly hair. 


"Hey Leroy."
Silence.
"Did you know it snowed last night?"
Silence.
"School is cancelled."
Silence.
"Pull my finger."
.......(inaudible giggle).......Silence.


Or, she wakes up immediately, barely cracking one eye open. She gives the best mean look, shoots fire through those long eyelashes. 
And then: 
"5 more minutes, Mom."
"Go away, Mama."
"I'm cooooooold!" 


It takes all I have sometimes not to crawl back into bed with her, curl my body around hers, and breathe her in. 


She's growing so fast; I can barely lift her anymore. She rarely calls me Mama in her silly little way. I am Mom or Mother already. I look at her and I not only see the chubby face of my favorite toddler, but I see the gorgeous teen she will become. It is both breathtaking and heart wrenching at the same time. 


I'm waiting for a snow day to come, so I can curl up with her and sleep late (probably only 30 extra minutes, if I know her), while she still fits in the curve of my body perfectly. 

My girl

Tonight I tickled my girl until she lost her breath.
Tonight she said to me: "Will you put me in your pocket so I can be with you all the time?"
Tonight we kissed each other all over, in silly spots, like our earlobs and between our fingers.
Tonight she gave me raspberries on my belly.
Tonight she brushed my hair out of my face and told me I was beautiful.
Tonight she told me she wants to be near me forever, even when I'm old and crabby.
Tonight she held my hand as we laid in bed together, telling me she was happy.

I am still holding my breath.

Music Lover Monday-on Tuesday-Home Video Version

Yes, it's Tuesday. Day late, dollar short. Not the first time.

So, let me just explain this to you. I recorded my sister singing this song awhile ago, but for some reason my crackberry didn't want to let me send it to myself. Then I recorded this one, but it's not as fanfuckintastic as the first one. First off, I'm at a bad angle. More importantly though, is the fact that my kid has an epic meltdown-" goooooooooo pottttyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, graaaaaaaaandmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa don't leeeeeeeeeave meeeeeeee"-right in the middle. Love that my sister and I both sorta meltdown with her.
Anyway, welcome to my world.
(And yes, I am soooo available to use my professional videotaping skills for all of your party/recording needs.)
Enjoy. :)

Wordless Wednesday (shitty snapshot)

Yes, those are my knee highs. And yes, Max IS INDEED trying to pull them off of her legs.

Sweet somethings

[First off, thank you to all of you who responded to my whiny-ass post. I am still on the fence (who, ME??), but I feel like I'm not off-base on my feelings. I *know* that I am a good friend, that I am loyal and kind; I just have to let go of those who don't give me any part of themselves. I am blessed to have a couple of wonderfully kind and loyal friends, as well as a good set of online friends that support me and care for me. What more can I ask for, right?]
********
My girl has had a horrendous cough & stuffy nose for almost a week. There's no infection, no fever, no green snot, etc., so we've been doing the rounds: breathing treatment, Delsym cough syrup, humidifier, Vicks on the neck & under the nose, tylenol, rinse & repeat.
We've also been doing very little sleep all week.
She goes to bed okay, other than the fact that she can't get used to her bedroom being upstairs. She hears noises, she sees things out her window, she's scared. She now sleeps with the classical station on, to help with that. And 3 night lights. And a flashlight. And a teeny angel on her night stand. 

Right about my bedtime, she wakes up: "Mommy.....mommy....mommmmmmyyyyyyyy!"
I groan. I shuffle through the house, up the stairs.

"Mommy, can you sleep with me until the morning?"

I climb into bed (thank goodness we finally got her a full sized bed! I couldn't do this sleeping-on-the-floor-next-to-her-toddler-bed crap anymore!). She coughs, sighs, and smiles.

"Mommy, can we close our eyes now?"

I close my eyes, only to open them 4 seconds later, watching her sink into her pillow with a smile on her face. She lets me fix the covers around her, move her hair out of her face, and cuddle her. She moves closer to me.

I watch her for a few minutes before I crash. She's getting so big. She's tall and lean and only looks like my baby in the middle of the night, by the light of her nightlights.

I'm asleep long enough for my brain to clear-I'm not dreaming yet-when my girl begins:

"I'm hungry. Can you hear my stomach? Are you sure there are no ghosts or monsters outside? Is Max in his crate? Can I turn the radio up? Is the nightlight still on in the bathroom? Mommy, I need to go potty. Can you get me some toilet paper? Can you zip up my pjs? My nose is stuffy. I can't breathe. I can hear God talking. I don't like the shadow in the corner. Want to play 20 questions? Tell me about that book you are reading again. Are you sleeping, mom? Mooommmmmmmmm!"

Fuck me.

And then she starts tossing and turning, puts her pillow at the foot of the bed, pulls the covers around, turns the fan on, tosses, turns, looks for her cup, coughs, sniffles, and asks me "Does your tooth still hurt?"

I will readily admit that I love my sleep. I don't like to be woken up in the middle of the night. Once I'm out, I just don't want to be bugged. It must have been all those years that I didn't sleep at all; I am spoiled by this good sleep now. So, it's hard for me to remain patient, although I swear I try. I answer her questions, I call her honey, I kiss her, I cuddle her, and then I begin to beg, swear, and threaten:

"Please go back to sleep. Pleeeeeeeeeease.""I will go downstairs to my own quiet bed if you don't hush up right now."

"Mother humper, cheese & rice, shut the hell up."
 
Yeah, Mother of the Year Award RIGHT HERE.
 
On the nights that I seem to find more patience, we talk about all sorts of things: our next house, my school, her starting Kindergarten in September (NOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!), her next dentist appointment, our old man dog, Max, Daisy, the relatives she loves and misses (even if she has JUST SEEN THEM), my friend Amanda's middle son, Mikey, whom she has a huge crush on and wants to marry, God, prayers, food, and babies.
 
She wants a brother or sister. Depends on her mood, but she knows she WANTS A BABY IN MY BELLY. After one of these rambling conversations, I am almost asleep the other night when I hear her groggy voice from the end of the bed (we were lying head to foot):
 
"Mommy, if you had a boy, just please promise me you WILL NOT name him Bob*."
 
I cracked up and she sat up in bed, pushing her hand in my face. Shaking her finger at me:
 
"I mean it! It's an awful name and I will NOT call him by his real name if you name him Bob."
 
Between laughs, I ask her, "What would you call him if I named him Bob?"
 
Her response: "Kid."
 
******
I know this time is fleeting. Sooner than I think, she won't want me in her bedroom. Someday, she might not want to talk about random things at 4am. Someday, she won't fit comfortably in the curl of my body. Someday, we won't fit in her bed together. I have to keep this in my mind when I feel the urge to threaten her to go back to sleep. Someday, she will no longer be JUST MINE. But for now, I secretly love the sweet somethings coming out of her mouth as we share her bedsheets.
 

 

 

 

 

*My brother calls everyone Bob due to my mom finding a little dog named Bob that she wanted to adopt. So now, any time my girl asks me someone's name (even people driving down the road that I have no.way.of.knowing, I tell her "Bob". It drives her crazy.*

The things we do for love

Friday I took the day off from work, with the intent of getting some things done in the morning, including trying to do some hardcore writing, and then taking my girlie to the water park with her BFF, Paige. Luckily, it had poured all morning, so it wasn't super-hot, and apparently everyone was out shopping (tax-free weekend here in Texas), so it was not busy at all. It was such a fun time. These two girls are so incredibly sweet and silly together. They play so well together, and I really had a great time with them. Here they are being silly:



*****

We had our little home visit with the dog adoption agency on Sunday. That was interesting. I have one simple word for the lady that asked us questions: annoying. She immediately tried to persuade us away from one of the dogs we are interested in. She said things completely opposite from this dog's foster mother, whom we met on Saturday, when we met the dog. She was rather annoying. She even went so far as to say "I don't want you to get a dog that will draw your attention & energy away from your young daughter". I wanted to deck her right there. Really? Because we didn't think this through before we filled out the application. OH, and I'm so dumb-ass-looking that I don't have the slightest clue how to multi-task, and take care of 2 dogs, a kid, my house, my job, school, & every other fucking thing. Sheesh.

Anyway, we should be hearing something this week, and should be scheduling separate visits with 3 dogs, 2 of which we have not met yet. Fingers crossed.


*********


My girl really wanted to do my hair Sunday, and I really wanted to take a nap, so I sorta gave in. I played 'school' and 'house' with her, and fell asleep face down on her carpet so she could 'do my hair'. The outcome?


This:

And that's only one side of my head. What you don't see is about 7000 other clips & bows, and two pigtails on either side of my head, just above my ears. I even drove over to my mom's house like that.

**********

I didn't need them, and I was actually looking for something for someone else, when these caught my eye: (Please ignore the Redbox DVD in the background, & the 7000000 pieces of dog hair on the passenger seat of my Jeep-I am a photo-genius, I swear)

So I IM'ed them to Chris because we send pictures of things to each other approximately 12 times a day. She wanted some. So I went back and bought her a pair. Shipping them today.

******

And, because I love blogging, being of service to others (but not of service to my husband, according to him! snort), and VENTING w/ no consequences, I came up with The 'When pills aren't enough' Sessions.

Please join the fun! Email me a post that you want put on another participant's blog & LET IT ALL OUT. I have lots of interested peeps, but the more the merrier!

Wordless Wednesday

It's a blurry & miserable-looking picture, but it's my girl & my dog, and I love them both so much lately....just so damn much. She is no longer a baby; she is a little girl.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz! Or The post NOT about BlogHer'09

So while everyone else was at BlogHer (mother f-er, I'm still jealous and all green with envy (be damned, you Cardinal sins you!)), I had a busy weekend. I'm still pretty worn out, although I will admit it isn't because I went to some badass parties, licked anyone's boobs, or broke a coffee table (don't ask; actually, I'm not sure I really understand myself). So...yeah.

Friday was my girl's birthday. We bought her a Nintendo DS, and omg, you would have thought we bought her a pony (on the Christmas list). She jumped up and down, said "Yessssssssssssss!" and every picture I took of her opening the present is a total blur. She moves NON-FREAKIN'-STOP, but throw in a coveted present and you can bet we won't catch her sitting still.

Anyway, then she picked her favorite burger place for dinner, and had one of her friends spend the night.

What exactly was I thinking when I agreed to a 4 year old sleepover?? Damn. Actually, they were very good. Giggly, silly, not toooooo hyper...but didn't fall asleep until well after midnight.

And? They were up at 7am, bossing me and asking me all sorts of questions. It is too early for questions, damn it.

Saturday, she went to a birthday party while I went to a baby shower. When I got back, I made her a strawberry cake with homemade strawberry cream cheese icing. Biddy made up the icing recipe all by herself at the spur of the moment (It was delish!!).
Then she (my girl, not Biddy) refused to nap before her family party. I think I may have needed the nap a tad more than she did. Anyway, then both sets of grandparents came over, along with Aunt Angel & Monkey Matt. We had pizza, cake, and presents. She got a new bike, which someone (not naming names, mother fucka) let her ride around in the house, some kick-ass, light-up Sketchers that she really wants me to let her wear now (they are 1/2 a size too big, on purpose, so she can wear them in the fall), and a boy baby that she really wanted. Oh, and Where the Wild Things Are. (She got other things, but my mind is still mush, so yeah, she got stuff).

She crashed Saturday night, and I stayed up way too late watching the movie Knowing (which flipped me out, if you saw my tweets, and then it really made me cry and think). And then I had Jack in the Box tacos at 1am. WHAT?

Sunday: the birthday party at the local city water park w/ her friends. It was overcast and not *too* hot. Lots of adorable kids came, and...my kid was a zombie. She woke up with a runny nose and circles under her eyes. She was not her usual sassy, smiley self. She didn't want anyone to sing Happy Birthday to her, so we all sang quietly (Except Jackson, adorable son of Kristie, who serenaded her so sweetly, I could have squeezed him). She didn't want to open presents; it was like I had to twist her arm. She didn't smile, she didn't want to thank anyone, she just wanted to get back in the water and avoid all the attention. Funny that my kid is like this only during her birthday. Last year and the year before, I have pictures of her looking like a damn zombie, willing me with her eyes to make everyone go away. Like this:

Sunday night she crashed at 8pm. I stayed up too late again, watching Taboo on National Geographic. I'm tired, people. I need sleep. I feel so devoid of energy lately, and this past weekend did not help at all.

Oh, and between all this stuff, I read tweets about the shenanigans at BlogHer, I drooled at pictures, I "wahhhhhhhhh!"-ed about not being there for Chris' birthday, I "grrrrr!"-ed about not getting to meet so many lovely and funny women..... And seriously, the men too!

But! BlogHer '10 is a week before I graduate! Here's hoping I can make that work!

Sweet child of mine

Last year, my girl, you were three. Now, today, with one brief blink of the eye, you are four. I know I sound like a nutcake broken record, but it's gone so fast.

You were just born, for the love of pete, and I just can't fathom that four damn years has gone by since we met face to face.

I feel like you've always been here, always been in my life, sticking your hand in my plate, leaving floaties in my drink, watching me pee, snuggling up to me, slipping your hand in mine.

Since your last birthday, you have done so many things. So many, in fact, that I probably forgot some of them, and that's a sad shame.

You lost two blankies.
You went to the State Fair for the first time.
You learned what it felt like to lose a pet, to grieve, and to heal.
You roller-skated for the first time.

You went to a baseball game & fell in love with the players. You absolutely adore Josh Hamilton, and literally cry for him. You've even asked us to drive by his house several times, & I think it was probably a bad idea that your Daddy told you he lives less than a mile from us, and it wouldn't surprise me to get a phone call from the police someday, telling me you skipped out of preschool, walked across the road, & was found looking in his windows.

Your great-grandmother passed away, & you wanted to see her in the casket, which I allowed (PARENT FAIL? I don't know-I guess I'll ask you in 12 or so years).

You gave us all complete & utter terror attacks when we thought we lost you.

You completed your Daddy's sentence when he said "Mother F" (I will not forget the sound of your little voice telling him matter-of-factly, "It's FUCKER, Daddy. Mother FUCKER").

You started campaigning for a Nintendo DS, a baby brother, & most recently, the chance to have your pacifier back.
You started dressing yourself, and having strong opinions about what you want to wear every day.

You rolled with the punches, and moved a to a temporary house when our house flooded.

You went to the deer lease with your father, several times, looking for deer, cows, turkeys, and anything else you could scare off with your happy laughter. You enjoyed riding around in the Kubota RTV w/ him, which I affectionately call 'The Bubble'.

You learned how to whistle.
You learned the words to so many songs, including Pink's "So What" , Outkast's "Back of the Bus", and All American Rejects' "Hope it gives you hell". Tonight I heard you in your room after I put you to bed, singing "If you're happy and you know it". You have such a sweet little voice.

You are so smart, my baby. You can spell and write your name, and you are recognizing letters all over the place:on street signs, in the grocery aisles, in books, on TV. You love to learn, and spend time every day, on your own, doing pages in workbooks, asking me sweetly "Tell me what I do on this page, mommy".
When I put you to bed, we read a book (or two, or ten) and you insist on reading it to me after I read it. You asked to be rocked, and we sit on the floor in front of your bed, where I pull you into my lap and rock you gently, while breathing in the scent of your hair. You climb into bed willingly, asking for every damn receiving blanket to be layered over you, and placing your Old Man Dog, Daisy, and 17,569 other small stuffed animals JUST SO at the foot of your bed.
You know how to manipulate, and push buttons, and annoy. You know how to get what you want. But just when I am being pushed to the edge of insanity with your whining, bossing, nagging, complaining, I-will-not-shut-up-until-you-give-me-what-I-want-damn-it....you soften the blow with a sweet smile, a soft kiss, and bright eyes. You tell me I am a good mommy just when I need to hear it most. You kiss me at the best times. You say "I love you" so often.

You are so silly. You love to laugh. You love to stuff your face full of grapes, steal my last chip, blow the wrappers off your straw at us, make silly faces and noises, & you NEVER sit still for pictures.
You are such a joy, even in the midst of the frustration. You are so much fun, playing hide-n-seek in the house with us, or duck-duck-goose. Your laugh is contagious when I tickle you until you lose your breath. You love to fart, shake your booty, and play with Daisy. In fact, you love all dogs.
You are my sweet girl, and it saddens me that the time is flying, that you are FOUR, that you are getting so damn long and smart and independent and feisty and fierce and.....I love all these things about you, but I just want it all to slow down. I just want to feel your little hand in mine, and hear you sing "I wanna hold your hand" when you do it.

Happy birthday, my sweet girl.

Ready or not, here I come......

We play Hide'n'Seek in our house on a regular basis. We've had small-scale games, with just the three of us, where my girl has fits of giggles, never stays in her hiding spot, and I pee my pants from laughing. Oh, and the dog. Ha! Don't even think you can hide without her telling on you. I can't tell you how many times one of us had been hiding near her, and she starts wagging her tail or looking in your general direction as the Seeker is seeking.

We also have large-scale games, with Grandpa and Monkey Matt involved, or Grandma and Aunt Angel. Again, I almost pee my pants and she giggles her way through the game. We always find her, no one ever finds me in my favorite hiding spot (shhhh! Can't tell you, just in case you ever come over to my house and we suck you into a game!), and we all end up out of breath and smiling.

She's found another hiding spot, but hasn't had the chance to use it in a large-scale game.

Do you have any silly games you play on a regular basis with your family?

The day my world almost spun out of control

You may have seen my tweets about this on Saturday.

We were in a teeny tiny town on Saturday for my hubby's grandmother's funeral. I mean, TEENY. The cemetery was right across the street from the church that my hubby's uncle attends (youngest of the grandmother's 3 children). After the brief graveside service, we all walked across the street (read: dirt road) to the 1800 square foot church. Inside, the ladies of the church (with approximately 40 members) had prepared a simple lunch for everyone.

As usual, the smokers in the family (my in-laws and my mother) were outside smoking after eating. I was inside, chatting with my brother-in-law and his wife, when my girl asked if she could go outside and play. She had be-friended a 6 or 7 year old girl that was there. I knew her grandparents were outside, so I said 'Sure.' For a slight second, I heard that little voice in my head tell me that it might not be a good idea. I ignored it. (PARENT FAIL #1)

Not 5 minutes later, my sister comes inside to tell me that they can't find my girl. I don't believe her. I sorta roll my eyes, sigh, and say "You're lying. But fine, I'm coming". (PARENT FAIL #2) I go outside and my mom has this awful look on her face, like she's seen a ghost. Her first words to me: "I'm not kidding. She's gone."

Apparently the girls were running the length of the church, but rounded the corner and didn't come back.

I go around that corner, and start calling her name. I go back inside to see if she's in the bathroom. I don't even think to go find my husband. I walk back outside, and start walking towards the cemetery, thinking maybe she went back to her great grandmommy's grave. (Side note: she asked to see her body one last time, and I allowed it. She seemed completely fine when I explained everything to her, but the look on her face when they opened that casket....omg, PARENT FAIL#3. She didn't cry, it's just, the look on her face.....what the fuck was I thinking?) The gate to the cemetery is closed, but I walk over to the grave. Nothing.

By this time, I turn around to face the church and see my husband walking out in the field behind the house. My father in law is walking to the main road. My mother is looking under all the cars in the tiny parking lot. There is someone walking towards large bales of hay in a field by the church. We are all calling her name. My sister is right behind me, saying something over and over; I can't think of what it is now.

I go back to the church, and walk in the door of the sanctuary, separate from where we were all eating. It's dark and cold. I call her name, I walk up the main aisle. I don't look in each pew. (PARENT FAIL #4) I listen for any sounds. There are two doors immediately inside when I walk in; I don't open either one. (PARENT FAIL #5 & #6) I go back outside, and by now, I'm thinking of the people I had seen leave as I was walking into the parking lot looking for her . A gray Dodge truck. Who the hell is in that truck? I start thinking about how I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere, and DO THEY DO AMBER ALERTS IN TEENY TINY TOWNS?

At the same time, I am continuing to call her name. I hear her name over and over and over, all these voices converged as one, looking for my girl. The fear is palpable, and I flinch when my sister touches me on the arm. I hone in on my feelings (seriously?), and realize I am not yet that upset, although I'm fast-approaching hysteria. That little voice in my head: 'No need to worry; she's not gone.'

I am down the dirt road going towards a truck idling in the ditch (I had seen it right after I saw the truck that pulled away), when someone yells 'We found her!'. I turn around and start running down the dirt road. I stop in the middle of the road, in front of the church. My sister is already there, in front of my girl. All I hear are voices, loud, and a rushing in my ears. I actually get tunnel vision.

My girl runs out to me, and I kneel in front of her, and I immediately think "I can't scare her". I grab her arms, and start to rub them, telling her that she scared us, we didn't know where she was, didn't she hear us calling her name?, please always answer when adults call your name, especially in strange places. She is smiling when she tells me that she and the little girl were playing hide'n'seek, that they heard all of us come in calling her name, and they had such a good hiding spot. They were hiding under a pew. My girl, who plays hide'n'seek in the house with us all the time, and can't stay hidden for more than a minute at a time. I hug her, take in the smell of her hair & the sweat on her body. I look at my mother, standing by the door of the church, with the same look on her face.

I think it was maybe 5 minutes? 5 minutes from the time my sister came inside to get me and when we found her. 5 minutes that I do not want to re-live ever again, 5 minutes that I ache to think could have turned into 15 minutes, an hour, 16 years. Time that I cannot believe anyone has had to endure.

Logically, I know I didn't fail as a parent. I know that I was right for thinking she would be safe with her grandparents watching her. But I keep forgetting that kids can disappear in the blink of an eye, and it's no one's fault. I keep forgetting that just because I am a social worker, just because I am so very aware of the issues that we face as parents, just because I love her, just because I want to keep her safe...these things aren't enough to stop it from happening.

Later that night, she fell asleep on the drive home. At home, I carried her dead-weight body, sleeping, into her bedroom, and put her to bed. As I put the blankets on her, she stirred, and smiled, eyes still closed. I kissed her forehead, and whispered that I was scared I had lost her today. She opened one eye, still smiling, and said 'You can't lose me, mommy'.

If only she knew.

Friday Filler (Pictures & Thanks)

Thank you for all your kind words concerning my husband's grandmother. She passed away sometime late Wednesday night into Thursday morning. She was 'ready' as she had told several family members, but it's still a bit of a shock. But I thank you......

I cancelled my fun-filled weekend to Austin with Kristie, where I was finally going to meet several lovely bloggy women. I am heartbroken about that, but I will hopefully be able to reschedule soon.


In other news, here's a few pictures that made me smile:

(This is my sister & my girl together. So cute and GROWN UP)

(Daisy is thrilled)
(Her daddy used to do this to make me laugh, and now she does it)

Wordless Wednesday on Thursday (shut it!)

Only children can be this ridiculously giddy and content at splashing several hundred gallons of water at the dog, the house, and each other.

Do you think she likes purple?

Parent FAIL (and it wasn't me this time!!)*

The other night while at the grocery store, [and by 'we' I mean my husband actually went with my girl and I. That is news all on it's own! When it was just me & him, before my girl, he would go with me on a regular basis, and it was fun to buy too many things together. Then...well hell, I don't know. I guess the honeymoon was over, he came to his senses ("WTF? I don't know any husbands who go to the grocery store with their dorky wives! F- this!"), and stopped going with me. The downside to this: I have no one to blame when I spend $100 on snacks & frozen burritos. The upside? I could go down every damn aisle at a pace similiar to a normal human being's, not Speedracer speed. But I digress...], my girl was particularly whiny. I was so relieved that she was doing this in front of her dad, so he could see that I am not exaggerating when I say she's bringing me to the edges of insanity with her whiny, demanding phase. However, I was at the edge of insanity by the time we left the store, which isn't good. Apparently, so was he (again, not good) because this is what happened:

My girl: "I want this" Holding up a pair of Ipod earphones at the check-out.

Me: "Honey, you don't even have an Ipod"

G: (cue whiny voice) "I want an Ipod! Why don't I have an Ipod? Can I have an Ipod?"

Me: "Honey, I don't even have an Ipod. You've got enough fun toys. Put it back."

G: (continue with whiny voice) "But mommmmmmmmm.....oh, can I have this?" Holding up a toy camera.

Me: "No, you have a real camera, remember?"

Hubby: "Put it back and come over here, please."

G: (whiny voice still going) "But Daddddddddddddd........I want something!"

Then she picks up some weird little toy that looks like a fuzzy worm.

G: "I want this! Paige has this! She has her own. Her mommy and daddy bought it for her. I wannnnt it!"

H: "Put it back. I don't care if her mommy & daddy bought it for her. They must love her more than we love you."

(Bwahahahahahahahahaha.)

G: (whiny voice reaching epic proportions) "But....I WANT IT!"

I'm fuming, counting to ten, holding my breath, and trying not to lose my shit. I love the kid, dearly, with all that I am, but for.the.love.of.pete. make it stop.

I notice her walking away from us, holding the toy in her hands.

Me: "Honey, put it back. We aren't buying it. You can't have it unless we pay for it."

G: (serious tone, not whiny in the least) "I want it. Pay for it." She continues to walk away.

So then my husband does what all good parents would do (LMAO):

H: "We aren't buying it, so that means you are stealing it. And if you steal it, you go to jail."

G: "GO TO JAIL? The police are gonna come get me? But....will you come visit me in jail? Mommy? I'm going to jail????"

Cue uncontrollable crying that could break a serial killer's stone-cold heart, mixed with a little bit of whining, a lot of snot, and epic proportions of parental guilt.

As we walk out to the car & load the groceries, I keep giving my husband a combination of the evil eye & the wide eyed "Are-you-fucking-kidding-me-will-you-please-say-something??", to no avail. She keeps asking me if she's going to jail, if I will visit her, will the police be nice to her, and oh my god I'm going to jail?? I was having a hard time not laughing, seriously, until it continued.

We get home and she walks into the living room. She sees Daisy and takes the crying to a whole new level:

"But I will miss Daisy when I'm in jail. Can I please not go to jail?" Real, sad, gushing tears cover her face.

At that point, Daddy saved the day and explained everything to her so that she would understand the lesson. Also? I am pretty sure that if she ever does get arrested, both of us will bail her out because we would have a hard time not thinking back to this day. (Well, she would get one "Get out of jail free" card; I hope she never has to redeem that, but I can't give unlimited ones out without feeling like a true parent FAIL).

After she calmed down and got a healthy dose of loving from us, I started to worry that she might be getting sick because omg, she is never this whiny. I was exhausted afterwards. And although it wasn't me, I felt guilty and omg, who prepares us for this shit?

Help me out: Tell me your parent FAIL stories. Spread the guilt.

*I don't really feel like it was a parent FAIL, so much as a wake-up call for him to see just how she can bring you to the edge of parental insanity.

Enough energy to run a marathon (down the hallway)

Recently, my dear friend Stephanie (who is pregnant and due in August with a boy! Squeeeeee!) and her husband came to visit. We intended to play Wii all night, but we were lazy and appareantly we are old, because we did nothing but watch TV and the girls.

My girl & Micah ran up and down the hallway, in and out of the living room, yelling, squealing, and laughing. They played, they argued, they giggled, and honestly, it was a joy to hear their cute little voices all night.

Here's what the last 10 minutes of the visit looked like, while us adults were yawning and begging for a pillow to rest our heads on:

The wrestling match ended when we pulled them both off the couch and made them say their sweet goodbyes.

Ahhh, to have that kind of energy at 11:00 at night.