6.23.2008

Living in neutral

I always have good intentions of actually typing up a ton of the stuff swirling around in my head, over the weekend, so that when I am wore out on Monday night, I can just cut, paste, and VOILA!--You get to read well-written stuff! But....I am a very busy woman, complete with a very busy woman to-do list, and..I just can't get it all done! So, you get another random blog. Soooorrrrry.

Random #1: My health is on my mind, big time. Sunday night, I watched some show on TLC or Discovery with Dr. Oz. He was helping obese people lose weight. It got me thinking about how I keep putting minor things off, and what if all these minor things, which seem to be completely unrelated, are really one big major thing? I don't want to sound like a nut (although I know what tree I fell out of), but there's 7584 kinds of cancer in my family tree, and maybe I am not paying attention to some really noticeable warning signs?? I don't know. Maybe I'm being dramatic, and my whole peeing-out-the-butt really was just something to do with my vacation? Maybe the random stuff on my arms is just heat rash? Maybe my constant cotton mouth is just because I'm too busy stuffing my fat face to remember to drink enough? Maybe my fatigue is because my fat ass doesn't exercise regularly? Maybe my malaise is just brought on by boredom? Fear?

Random #2: Why is it that our children can be both the life and the death of us? My girl amazes me on a daily basis. She calls a hoodie her 'houg'. She asks me to 'please yips it' (zip it). She says 'trampapleen' for trampoline. She bounces around, giggles, and talks non-stop. She is so very intelligent, loving, caring, and funny. But there are times when I just want to...well,not strangle her, but maybe strangle myself, to put myself out of my misery? How is it that I can be miserable but at the same time be so very content with her? I mean, she starts in with me as soon as she wakes up: I hungry. I want this. No, I DO NOT want water. No, not in that cup. That one. NO, THAT one. Can I have 5 ice cubes? Not 2, FIVE, mom.
It goes on and on and on. And for the most part, I find humor in her little voice bossing me around.
But sometimes, well, I just want to scream. I can't have a conversation with anyone without this:

'Mom. Mom. Mom. MOM. Mooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

What you talking about?'

Or:

'Momomomomomomomomomomomomomom. Let me tell you something.'

Followed by:

'Um, umma, I went pee-pee on the potty, and I, I uh, I cried in the bathtub when you poured water in my eyes. '

Sigh.

And the guilt that follows when I lose my patience is tear-jerking.

I know I am not alone in this. I know other moms feel this way sometimes. I know I am not a bad parent because I respond to her sometimes, this way:

'My girl! If you don't SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE for 2.5 seconds, I am going to just cry/scream/cuss/run away.'

It is so hard sometimes, being a parent. No matter how much I know about kids, psychology, development, and parenting, I am still not prepared for each day with her, both wondrous and frustrating.

Random #3: I have this huge to-do list, most of which has been in my head. When my mom and I get together, we talk about all the things we need or want to do. And I always say, 'Yeah, I'll add that to my to-do list', and my mother says, 'I don't know how we will get all that done because we are very busy women'. All this is discussed as we sit on her couch, sharing a sleeve of Ritz crackers, watching the Hallmark channel on a beautiful Saturday, complaining of boredom and lack of motivation, but.just.can't.seem.to.get.off.the.couch.
It is maddening, this waiting, this living in neutral. I feel like I'm always waiting on someone or something, but in reality, I think I just lack motivation lately. I keep putting stuff off, for no real particular reason. I really need to get my ass in gear. While I sit here in my little neutral funk, the world is passing me by.

Random #4: The only thing exciting about summer shit-hole tv so far: Last Comic Standing, Psychic Kids: Children of the paranormal, and 30 Days. However, 30 Days made me sad this last episode-I will never eat veal again, and I am having a bit of trouble wanting any beef after watching how they care for the cattle we ultimately eat. Check it out. Get disgusted.

Random #5: I am such a book whore. I have about 8 books right now, waiting to be read, and my mom just handed over 5 more on Saturday. I just finished The Year of Fog, which was phenomenal! I wanted to read it in one sitting, but unfortunately, it didn't happen (please see previously-stated things about the 3 year old). There were times where I just wanted to clutch the book and scream, 'Oh for the love of all things holy, I get the damn point-you lost her, you want to find her, you're going nuts with guilt. Get.to.the.f-ing.point.' But instead, I kept reading, and it was just...satisfying.
I also just finished My Sister's Keeper, and I was just speechless when I reached the final paragraph. It was so hard to put down! My faith in her writing was redeemed by this book, as I just read another of her books, The Pact, a month or so ago, and I was deeply disappointed by the end. I hate when books have shitty endings. And for someone who dealt with abused children for several years, I figured out the issue in this book about 20 pages in, I swear.

Random #6: My hubby just reminded me that I promised a contest about a month ago. I also promised stories about my vacation. I am such a tease. Sheesh.

Well, that's all I got. I would promise that I'll post a story from Mexico this week, the contest, and cute pics of my girl in her custom-made shirt, but I'm not sure I can reach up out of this malaise long enough to breathe, let alone be entertaining.......

but I'll try.

18 comments:

Charles said...

I agree with you. The TV is really lacking this summer. Every time i turn it on I can never find anything to watch. I guess we just have to wait until the fall.

Karen said...

Parenthood is not for the faint of heart. End of story.

I could probably deal with one or two and be a pretty effective and efficient parent. But I have no idea what we were thinking when we thought it would be a good idea to have 4 children. I don't stand a chance.

Heather said...

I understand how you feel. I get into these phases where I don't want to even get out of bed. I am too responsible to do that, so I get up, and spend the day doing only what absolutely has to be done. I think I have a food allergy, and I have just been too lazy to figure it out, and so I keep eating indiscriminately and when I get sick, I think, Holy Hell, why did I eat anything at all? I really think it's depression, even though I wouldn't describe myself as depressed, the malaise and lack of motivation are supposed to be signs of depression.

And yeah, everyone gets frustrated with their kids, and we always feel guilty about being impatient. It's normal.

mysecondjournal said...

OMG I LOVED LOVED Year of Fog..that was an awesome book. One of my favorites this year.

I was your daughter. :-) I apologize for her for talking non stop.. My mom used to just yell and tell me to go play Barbies or something in the basement and "get out of her hair".. I spent ALOT of time w/ my imagination, Barbies and books in the basement..

mysecondjournal said...

PS.. The Closer and Saving Grace start in a few weeks...
WWOOOOOOOOO HHOHOOOOOOOOOO

Danielle-lee said...

Charles: Yeah, I totally need to ignore the TV for the summer and GET SOME EXERCISE! How's that for an idea???

Karen: I used to want 4 children. And then I went nuts (or sane, depending on how you look at it) and had my girl. Oh boy. Maybe my husband is right: 2 kids.

Heather: When I don't want to get out of bed, it's because I'm so damn tired, not so much the malaise. Yes, both are symptoms of depression. I've got that handled-it's in my family, and I've been on medication. But....I'm thinking I might need to do some re-evaluation on the medication!
You totally need to take care of that food allergy, before you get wayyyyy sick. And the depression...please, please go talk to a doctor about it. Coming from someone who lived with it for about a year before I did anything. The change is indescribable when you finally make a move to do something about it.

My 2nd journal: I LOVE that book! :)
I was my daughter too, so karma is totally a bitch. My parents used to pay me a dollar if I would JUST.SHUT.UP for 5 minutes. I never could get that dollar.....
I never watched either of those shows....hmmm, maybe I need to! :)

La Petite Chic said...

I watched Psychic Kids last week and I actually really like it! Those kids were pretty amazing.

Biddy said...

i totally feel ya girl! this neutral crap sucks!

at least you have cable...i have to entertain myself with laundry and dish bubbles.

in fact, i'm so incredibly bored, i actually busted out the sewing machine!

maybe we should get together and be bored whilst getting drunk? yep sounds good to me haha

oh and as for the girl? we had to do this with jake: when the talking becomes too much, we make him go entertain himself in his room until we say he can come out haha

Biddy said...

haha we could write a book! "the drunken housewife" hehehe

so what part of tx are you in? i'm thinking metroplex area but i could be drunk already...

Biddy said...

your guesses, while entertaining, were all wrong :-( but i'll still make you a beer holder! hehe

i have lots of family in the metroplex, and Deb from "what happens next" has an awesome churchloft thingy in dallas, so we could totally go get drunk with her because i'm pretty sure there's a mexican food place with great margaritas right across the street :-D

OH! and i totally won a party for like 20 people at fox & hound! i need to use that!

Biddy said...

haha i know! i just have to have the money to get there and back dude!! and while getting drunk with blog friends is way more appealing, i gotta keep the electricity on!!

DeeDee said...

This post was kind of kooky for me to read because A: I watched the same Dr. Oz show and mentioned it in my blog. B: I am currently reading The Year of Fog that I purchased on Friday and I'm only on chapter 11 or so but I agree with you thoughts, "You lost the kid now get to the point!!" and the other book I bought for 1/2 price.......My Sister's Keeper.

I am currently watching NOTHING on summer shit hole TV except Charmed episodes that come on TNT at 3 and 4. I'm patiently waiting for Big Brother to start.

The whole kid thing.....all I can say on that is that you are preachin' to the choir sister!!

So, are we like long lost sisters or something??

Misty said...

I think one thing I am learning about myself as a mother is what limits I have. And to recognize those limits before I end up lashing out. Keys words LEARNING to do this, I don't get it right HALF the time.

If you are worried about your health, get into the doctors for a check up. I know it can be expensive, but I think in the long run it is worth the peace of mind.

Chris Spencer said...

I too am watching that Psychic Kids tv show. I have no idea why, other than I'm a ghost hunters whore, so it's just a logical progression.

alntv said...

I've been waiting to respond to this one because I wanted to respond when I had a full moment from the kids! It sounds to me that you need a break kiddo! But I understand the way you are feeling (about kids, to-do lists, diseases...NOT television shows). It is so hard to be a parent and be yourself. Also, you need to not be so down on yourself. I don't know you, but I get the feeling you are a very good person who is at the early stages of motherhood and you are feeling overwhelmed! Get some friends! Go out! Get a sitter! Have some down time for yourself. I know I let my wife go out and she loves it! Plus, I get to watch movies she hates and sit around in my underwear and drink beer! What more could a husband ask for!? LOL

So I hope you get a chance to breathe a little. Life is too short to be so overwhelmed. Maybe that's why you blog? To let it out a little?

Sidenote...I gotta start reading more. But I loved "The Road"!

Romi said...

I love your blog. Your honesty is refreshing. I have raised two kids and totally get where you are right now. I've been there too. It's overwhelming most of the time. A lot of this comes from the Superwoman theory where we all think everyone else has it more together than we do. It's not true, we all struggle with raising our kids and trying to accomplish everything on our never ending "to do" list. Give yourself a break. I don't know if this will help, but whatever you are doing at the moment is what you "should" be doing, whether that's sitting on the couch with your mom watching the Hallmark channel, or reading a book, or doing nothing at all. That is your unique life. The stuff you "think" you should be doing is just that, basically nothing you want to do. Eventually you will get to it and everything will get done in its own time. Take the pressure off yourself and enjoy the moment because that old cliche, "This too shall pass" is correct. Nothing is more important than what you are doing right now. Take a deep breath and live in the moment. Who cares if your house isn't perfect, the list doesn't get done, the kid drives you a little crazy, the contest is looming. We all procrastinate, but it's not permanent. It does sound like you need a break from it all though. Maybe a change of scenery will refresh you, a simple trip to the mall alone, a movie, a spa day, or a night out with friends.

By the way, I have a "crab" too. It's the husband. He works out of the house and we call his office, "The Crab Shack".

THE Stephanie said...

Oh girl. Take a breath. You sound just like EVERY other mom I know. Welcome to the club. Seriously. It's ok. Blog about it :)

THE Stephanie said...

wow, I jsut read my comment and that sounded kind of, um... bitchy? and it totally wasn't meant that way at all. What I meant was, I think that we all feel this way at some point, so try not to be too hard on yourself. You seem like a great mom and wife.