Living in neutral

I always have good intentions of actually typing up a ton of the stuff swirling around in my head, over the weekend, so that when I am wore out on Monday night, I can just cut, paste, and VOILA!--You get to read well-written stuff! But....I am a very busy woman, complete with a very busy woman to-do list, and..I just can't get it all done! So, you get another random blog. Soooorrrrry.

Random #1: My health is on my mind, big time. Sunday night, I watched some show on TLC or Discovery with Dr. Oz. He was helping obese people lose weight. It got me thinking about how I keep putting minor things off, and what if all these minor things, which seem to be completely unrelated, are really one big major thing? I don't want to sound like a nut (although I know what tree I fell out of), but there's 7584 kinds of cancer in my family tree, and maybe I am not paying attention to some really noticeable warning signs?? I don't know. Maybe I'm being dramatic, and my whole peeing-out-the-butt really was just something to do with my vacation? Maybe the random stuff on my arms is just heat rash? Maybe my constant cotton mouth is just because I'm too busy stuffing my fat face to remember to drink enough? Maybe my fatigue is because my fat ass doesn't exercise regularly? Maybe my malaise is just brought on by boredom? Fear?

Random #2: Why is it that our children can be both the life and the death of us? My girl amazes me on a daily basis. She calls a hoodie her 'houg'. She asks me to 'please yips it' (zip it). She says 'trampapleen' for trampoline. She bounces around, giggles, and talks non-stop. She is so very intelligent, loving, caring, and funny. But there are times when I just want to...well,not strangle her, but maybe strangle myself, to put myself out of my misery? How is it that I can be miserable but at the same time be so very content with her? I mean, she starts in with me as soon as she wakes up: I hungry. I want this. No, I DO NOT want water. No, not in that cup. That one. NO, THAT one. Can I have 5 ice cubes? Not 2, FIVE, mom.
It goes on and on and on. And for the most part, I find humor in her little voice bossing me around.
But sometimes, well, I just want to scream. I can't have a conversation with anyone without this:

'Mom. Mom. Mom. MOM. Mooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

What you talking about?'

Or:

'Momomomomomomomomomomomomomom. Let me tell you something.'

Followed by:

'Um, umma, I went pee-pee on the potty, and I, I uh, I cried in the bathtub when you poured water in my eyes. '

Sigh.

And the guilt that follows when I lose my patience is tear-jerking.

I know I am not alone in this. I know other moms feel this way sometimes. I know I am not a bad parent because I respond to her sometimes, this way:

'My girl! If you don't SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE for 2.5 seconds, I am going to just cry/scream/cuss/run away.'

It is so hard sometimes, being a parent. No matter how much I know about kids, psychology, development, and parenting, I am still not prepared for each day with her, both wondrous and frustrating.

Random #3: I have this huge to-do list, most of which has been in my head. When my mom and I get together, we talk about all the things we need or want to do. And I always say, 'Yeah, I'll add that to my to-do list', and my mother says, 'I don't know how we will get all that done because we are very busy women'. All this is discussed as we sit on her couch, sharing a sleeve of Ritz crackers, watching the Hallmark channel on a beautiful Saturday, complaining of boredom and lack of motivation, but.just.can't.seem.to.get.off.the.couch.
It is maddening, this waiting, this living in neutral. I feel like I'm always waiting on someone or something, but in reality, I think I just lack motivation lately. I keep putting stuff off, for no real particular reason. I really need to get my ass in gear. While I sit here in my little neutral funk, the world is passing me by.

Random #4: The only thing exciting about summer shit-hole tv so far: Last Comic Standing, Psychic Kids: Children of the paranormal, and 30 Days. However, 30 Days made me sad this last episode-I will never eat veal again, and I am having a bit of trouble wanting any beef after watching how they care for the cattle we ultimately eat. Check it out. Get disgusted.

Random #5: I am such a book whore. I have about 8 books right now, waiting to be read, and my mom just handed over 5 more on Saturday. I just finished The Year of Fog, which was phenomenal! I wanted to read it in one sitting, but unfortunately, it didn't happen (please see previously-stated things about the 3 year old). There were times where I just wanted to clutch the book and scream, 'Oh for the love of all things holy, I get the damn point-you lost her, you want to find her, you're going nuts with guilt. Get.to.the.f-ing.point.' But instead, I kept reading, and it was just...satisfying.
I also just finished My Sister's Keeper, and I was just speechless when I reached the final paragraph. It was so hard to put down! My faith in her writing was redeemed by this book, as I just read another of her books, The Pact, a month or so ago, and I was deeply disappointed by the end. I hate when books have shitty endings. And for someone who dealt with abused children for several years, I figured out the issue in this book about 20 pages in, I swear.

Random #6: My hubby just reminded me that I promised a contest about a month ago. I also promised stories about my vacation. I am such a tease. Sheesh.

Well, that's all I got. I would promise that I'll post a story from Mexico this week, the contest, and cute pics of my girl in her custom-made shirt, but I'm not sure I can reach up out of this malaise long enough to breathe, let alone be entertaining.......

but I'll try.