Advice, oh wise ones

1. I desperately need to do something about the state of my face. I am so damn pale! My whole body is, and I'm thinking of doing some tanning again, but I just cannot tan my face. Ever since I had my girl, when I tan, I get a ton of freckles and brown blotches. It's awful. I don't mind freckles so much, but the blotches look hideous.

I use all sorts of stuff for my face, including bronzer. But I am looking deathly pale these days, and even that isn't cutting it.

So, here's where all you beauty buffs come in:

I need a tinted moisturizer. One that doesn't make me look orange. What brand do you suggest? What works for you? HELP!!!

2. My mother in law turns 60 on New Year's Eve. Don't get me started on this, but I am going to be the big girl, and have suggested that we take her out to eat for an early dinner, to celebrate. If we don't do SOMETHING, she will pout. More than she already does. Another post for another day, I promise you (and it's brewing, let me assure you).

This woman likes to garden, sit outside in her backyard, drink, be the martyr, and...that's about it.

What do I buy for her? Something nice, something heartfelt. Help me out here!!!



3. Jeans. Jeans that do not give me saggy ass syndrome. You know what I'm talking about: they fit great when you get them out of the dryer, sometimes even a little snug. But after an hour or so, not only are they loose, but they are falling off, sagging in the ass area, with your muffin top bubbling out over them. Disgusting. So...HELP!

I've heard 7 Jeans are great. Also Joe's? Any other suggestions that will not cost me a coupla $100???? Seriously.

4. More make-up issues. My eyeliner blows. It looks like hell. Halfway through the day, I look like a damn raccoon, or like someone beat the shit out of my face. It's all smuggy and just gross. I need a good eyeliner (again, one that doesn't cost me a shitload). Also? How about some mascara suggestions? Mine has been all clumpy lately, and it's annoying the crap out of me. Noticing a trend yet?

5. Okay, here's a biggie. And it requires some background drama. Get comfortable.

The problem: I need a new hairdresser, AGAIN. I had one for a good 16 years, but she works 3 days a week, has a huge clientele, and it takes a good month to get in to see her. So...about 2 years ago I went where my mom was going. Met a lady there that I went to high school with. She cut my hair awesome. Then she moved. Right next to the little town I had just moved from. I wasn't about to drive 45 minutes to have my hair cut. So then I moved on to my mom's lady. Then she moved. She had her 6th kid, and left (no, really). Then I just stopped getting my hair cut for awhile. Then I went to this spa a few minutes away, and cut 12 inches off my head. I loved that girl. But guess what?? She moved. And apparently, at this spa, the clients belong to the spa, not the hairdresser. So anyway, then I moved on to the lady with the (attractive) boobs at the same spa. Loved how she cut my hair, even if I was uncomfortable about her boobs in my face.
I called today, and guess what????? Mother fucker, she's gone. Moved to Florida. Okay, so I desperately need my hair cut. It's grown a good 2 inches. I no longer have the sexy Spice Girls hair cut. I need a cut, BAD.
So here is where the drama comes in (oh, you thought I was done?).
This girl, H, is a hair dresser in a snooty spa close by. She is married to B, who is friends with my husband. The first time I met H, she had just met B, and was talking about how she went home with another guy the night she met B. She then proceeded to get drunk, take her belt off and spank my husband (left bruises), and then pour a drink on his head. But wait: she then proceeded to lick the drink off of his shaved head, down his forehead, down his nose, and was stopped before she got to his lips, by B's sister-in-law (also a friend of mine). I was inside the house when this happened, and they were all outside. I go back outside, and my husband is sitting perfectly still, staring off into space, looking like he just saw a ghost. He then proceeds to tell me, "I didn't know what to do. She's fucking nuts". And my friend assures me that my husband was not condoning this at all, which I totally believe. But.
H continues to flirt with my husband. On several different occasions, in different settings. She marries B after a couple of months of knowing him. I get pregnant with my girl, and become everyone's designated driver. She gets hammered one night at a restaurant with some other of our friends, and I'm about 7 months pregnant at the time. My husband gives me sexy eyes across the table, and gets all excited. I'm confused, because I've done nothing. I look under the table, and H has her shoes off, with her fucking feet in my husband's crotch area. I then put my feet up there, my big, fat, swollen, prego feet. She puts them down, and makes no eye contact. She later tries to squeeze by everyone at the table to go to the bathroom, and 'accidentally' falls into my husband's lap. By the end of the night, she tackles him in the parking lot, lays him out, straddles him, and kisses him. B and I are both there, and B sees nothing. I am too pregnant to kick anyone's ass, and I also hate confrontation. But I do yell at him across the parking lot, and before that, I see him pushing her off of him, before she even tried to kiss him. Again, this is her, not my husband, I promise. He is in such a bad position, because B is his friend, and has been for many years, and he really can't say 'Hey B, your wife is being a whore'. It's just a bad situation.
Anyway, this was several years ago. About a year or so ago, B's sister in law (my friend, K), goes to get her hair cut by H. And H proceeds to tell her that she doesn't understand why I don't like her. So K tells H why I don't like her. And K tells me that H gets all red-faced, and says she doesn't remember any of this, because she was drunk each time.
Okay, so I buy it. I have seen her many times, in different social settings, over the past year. I have always been nice. Her son is only 6 months younger than my girl. She's pretty, she's funny, and honestly, minus the whole whore situation, we have a lot in common. So, I try to be nice. I don't avoid her. But she avoids me, and has never said anything about what her and K talked about.
Sooooo....have I lost you yet?
H is a great hairdresser. She's goooood. I mean, really, really good. So my question is this: Do I trust her enough to cut my hair? Am I admitting any defeat by allowing her to cut my hair? Do I bring up the issue of my husband? Am I fucking batshit crazy to ask her to cut my hair? I mean, the woman did molest my husband, for cripe's sake. She licked his forehead. She left bruises with a belt the first time she met us.
On several occasions, K, B, and my husband have suggested that I go to her to get my hair cut. Just in the course of the conversation. But I just don't know.
Help.

And you thought your life was dramatic.