I've been thinking about this for awhile, and haven't really said much to anyone, until recently. What's funny is that some of my bloggy friends knew before my IRL friends.
I totally have baby fever.
My girl will be 4 in July. I didn't want my children to be so far apart in age, but I'm sure it will be fine, no matter how it works out. My brother and I are 10 years apart in age. That made of interesting Christmas mornings. I mean, by the time he was 'getting' the concept of Santa, I didn't believe anymore. I was a nice sister, and totally played along, but still.
When I was little, and still lived in New York, holidays were different. Everyone went to my grandparents' homes, and I saw all my maternal cousins. The house was full of running and giggles. It was glorious.
When we moved here, I lost that. And I had siblings for awhile, when my parents were foster parents, and it was wonderful. But it just wasn't the same. Which is okay. It was just different. But I made the decision early on that I wanted to have at least three children, and I wanted them to grow up together. I wanted a house full of running and giggles, for Christmas Day, and every other day.
I've had baby fever for about 6 months. But, as some of you know, I have no health insurance. And yes, we are financially stable, but that could change pretty quickly, and also? Paying for the prenatal care and birth of a child is super expensive, damn it. Plus, with my heart issues, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to be uninsured during a pregnancy. So, the economy has put off Baby #2, which sounds ridiculous, but I've got to be sure that I can financially take care of my first child before I bring another one into the world.
Christmas Day was nice. We ate all day, we relaxed, we laughed. My daughter got lots of individual time with almost everyone she loves. But something felt off (besides the lack of alcohol for me-I just kept forgetting to drink!!). The next morning, my mom called me, and asked me if I felt like something was missing. I told her that I guess that might have been what I was feeling-something was missing, not off. She said she kept thinking about it, and finally realized what was missing: the sound of children.
And she's right.
There's a sadness for me that comes along with realizing this: My children will be older by the time they have cousins (my brother's only 20, my sister is 12!). And, again, it's okay, but it still sorta sucks. My girl doesn't know what she is missing. She has cousins on her dad's side of the family. Cousins she has never met. 2 uncles, one she has met ONCE, and another that she has never met. (His side of the family is not close at all) It makes me sad that our families are not close. Why aren't my maternal cousins involved in my life at all? Why has it been 10 years since any of my maternal uncles have talked to me? Why can't my girl have the sense of a large family like I did when I was little? Although, look where it got me. They were in my life when I was little, but now they aren't, and all it does is bring me sadness, so what good is it?
I think this is probably why I try so hard to spend time with my close friends who have children. My girl loves all of them, and is so very happy when she gets to be with them. Her face lights up, her eyes shine, and she acts like a silly little girl. It's wonderful. It's not the same as having cousins in your life, but all of these children are family to me, and to my girl. That's all that matters.
And I hope the next child (and maybe #3?) will feel the same. I hope none of my children ever feel that their family is small, loosely-tied, cold, or missing something. I will do all I can to keep my children close to one another, no matter how many years apart they are in age. I will continue to encourage the sense of family between Grace and my friends' children.
I am probably becoming one of those nutty wives. I have brought up babies several times the past couple of weeks. I have begged, pleaded, bargained. I have talked calmly and rationally. I have tried to suppress these feelings, but I really can't any longer. 2009 needs to be the year of baby #2. And I do realize it will be hard, since I'm in grad school and my husband is a workaholic.
I have seen him roll his eyes at me. I have heard him sigh when I say anything even remotely baby related. And it's not that he doesn't want more children. It's just the insurance thing.
I really don't want to be the wife that does the hard sell, and beats her husband down about it soooo much that he just lies down on the bed and says 'Have at it-get yourself knocked up.'
But I feel strongly about expanding our family.
Does that make me nutty?