11.30.2009

Music Lover Monday-Meloncholy Rules

If you had any idea how difficult it is for me to listen to some songs....

The love we had was brief. But real.
 Full.
 Aching.
Teasing.
 So perfect that words don't do it justice.
But we were young and so fucked up, in our own ways... it just didn't work.
He was jealous because I liked the attention from other boys.
I was selfish.
I let him go.
It was the worst thing I could have done at that time.
He overdosed.
This is just one of the songs written on his arms, under his shirt-sleeves, for me.

It's you that I adore
You'll always be my whore

You'll be the mother to my child

And a child to my heart

We must never be apart

We must never be apart



Lovely girl you're the beauty in my world

Without you there aren't reasons left to find
 


And then, if that weren't enough, these words, down his left arm, where the final words were smudged from my tears, right at his wrist:
I'll sing for you
If you want me to

I'll give to you

And it's a chance I'll have to take

And it's a chance I'll have to break

I go along

Just because I'm lazy

I go along to be with you

And those moonsongs

That you sing your babies

Will be the songs to see you through

I'll hear your song

If you want me to

I'll sing along

And it's a chance I'll have to take

And it's a chance I'll have to break



I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you




I know it seems a bit juvenile, melodramatic, silly & TV-drama stupid. I haven't written the story here yet. I haven't shared with many others, the mess of pain mixed with intense love with a fucked up 14 year old who stole my heart when I was 17.
There are scabs that have healed into pale scars here, there, but sometimes-- something picks at them and brings it all just below the surface again.
There are songs I wish I would never hear again. These are two of them.

5 comments:

alntv said...

The Pumpkins, in their hayday, were an amazing band. But when I saw them perform live, they sounded like cats being thrown into a vat of boiling mustard. That being said...these songs ARE amazing and hopefully the Pumpkins will be remembered more for their lyrics than their history...

Aidan Donnelley Rowley said...

All I can say is that you haven't written the story here yet, but we can get a sense of its compelling contours and the arresting melody of its song. I am sorry you have scars and that life in its many permutations picks at them sometimes.

Real and raw stuff here.

blueskyhi said...

I can so relate to hating certain songs. But at least we can turn the radio off if it's all too much to bear.

pamela said...

I used to love Smashing Pumpkins... now i dont even know who they are anymore. Hes a fuckin sellout and the band shouldnt even be named Smashing Pumpkins anymore.. now it should be like rotten pumpkins.. or lousy pumpkins

TUWABVB said...

There is something about the Smashing Pumpkins that immediately renders me catatonic and insightful. Then I snap back to my normal shallow self when tne song ends. Weird.