6.08.2010

Complicated and confused

It was a few days before Thanksgiving the day we moved into our last rent house, when the last home we owned flooded. I was determined to have Thanksgiving at my house, even though "my house" was now "4800 square foot home that soooo isn't mine". I was close to a professional at this packing/unpacking thing, but my mom was going to come over and help me focus on organizing the kitchen.
There was a knock at the front door.
Expecting my mom, I called out, "Come in!"
I heard the heavy door slide open, steps on the wood floor entry, and heavy breathing.
"Mom?"
No answer.
I walked around the corner to the entryway, practically colliding with an older woman, much shorter than I. As we came face-to-face, she said "Oh, I am lost".
Lost.
I had no idea who this woman was, but she was shaking like a leaf, fear like candlelight in her eyes, and she couldn't speak a full sentence. She carried her keys and was wearing a Kohls employee nametag.
It took a good 45 minutes to figure out how she had arrived in my temporary home. She was driving home from work, although I figured out that home for her was about 10 miles west of here. She took a wrong turn, got confused, and was then run off the road by a truck, ending up in our little neighborhood. My temporary home was the only house in a cul-de-sac in the back of the neighborhood. She didn't even recognize that we were just moving in; she couldn't tell me her name, her address, her phone number. Her cell phone was in her car, dead. Her purse: a wallet with no money, no license, a couple of crumpled tissues, a subscription bottle with one address, an envelope with another. I figured out that she lived with her adult daughter, that she was taking medication for dementia, that she had no idea where "home" was, let alone how to get there.
I talked with her, trying to calm her, telling her she was safe and everything would be okay. She continued to shake.
I called the police. They sent a very nice officer out, who was patient and understanding. He got a phone number for her daughter, who just seemed annoyed that her mother was lost again, rather than relieved that she was SAFE. The officer took her to both addresses. We let her car stay in our driveway until the next day. When I woke up the next morning, it was gone. I never heard from her or her daughter again.

She was lost. And while it sounds complicated and confusing, she simply found her way to my front door, walking in unannounced. Her path led her to safety, to a home where people are kind, caring, gentle. She was so confused, and there wasn't much I could do to sort things out for her, but I was able to calm her. I was able to tell her she had been found, however briefly it would last.

I find myself thinking of her lately, at the most random times. I woke the other night from a crappy dream, and her frail hands came to mind. I wonder how she is, if she still drives, if she still gets lost. I sympathize with her.

I feel lost. And while it certainly is complicated and confusing, I am trying to find my way to safety. I am trying to find things to calm me, ease my frustration and anxiety, guide me towards happiness and peace. There are days where this path feels endless-will I ever stop being lost? If I stay on this path, where will I turn at the next crossroads? What's the right thing to do? Will someone run me off my path, pull me in a wrong direction, distract me? There are days where I look in the mirror and see that fear reflected in my eyes like candlelight. I am out of control, topsy-turvy, barrelling through my days so I can fall into my cool sheets at night and fade into my dreams. The fear is overpowering, mindnumbing-I taste it like metal on my tongue. Concentration is impossible. Walking a straight line, carrying on a conversation-all impossible.
I want life to be easy. I want my path to lead to someone safe, warm, caring, kind. Someone who can tell me where to go, what to do, what path I'm meant to go down next. I want someone to hold my hand, calm me, whisper "It will be okay".
My mother does these things. And in my heart I know that I will be okay, no matter what. I know that things will work out, one way or another. It's the not knowing that is so hard. It's the not knowing what path to choose, what decisions to make...do I leap back in with a head full of trust? Do I hold my cards close to my heart?

For now, I try to swallow the terror threatening to boil over.
For now, I breathe in and out, slowly, deeply, focused.
For now, I focus on hope, on small joys, on that feeling of calm and peace I used to know.
For now, I accept being lost.


5 comments:

Chris said...

Trust your heart. You ARE on the right path and there are people on either side of you offering warmth and safety. You are not alone. Love you!

Kelly said...

I read this with tears in my eyes... I miss you, girl. You? Are on the path that's right for you. And we need to reconnect, as silent as I've been.

SouthernSis said...

I wish I lived closer to you.
I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug.
I wish I could pick up the phone and call you.
I wish you could pick up the phone and call me.
I wish I could help you in person as you try to find your way.
I, too, read this post with tears in my eyes.
I wanted to tell you things will be ok.
I want you to know that realizing that you are not in the best place for you is the first step. That knowing that you are 'lost' is taking the first step.
Please, please, please let me be one of the people you think of when you need some support. When you need someone to talk to. When you need someone to laugh with. When you need someone to cry with. When you need someone to tell something fantastic to. I appreciate you and love reading your blog and look forward to meeting you IRL so we can hug and talk and laugh and cry. I have sent you my phone # in a twitter dm before and in an e-mail, too. Please call if you want to talk. You are a wonderful person and I know you will find what you are looking for.

Tara said...

I don't have much to offer other than what's already been said, but believe me, you're in good company in feeling lost, believe me.....

MarathonMom said...

I am glad your mother can do that for you. Hugs while you find your way...