At least my vaccuum doesn't break shit

Awhile back I lamented about my hubby's desire to get a housekeeper. Yes, yes, go ahead and throw tomatoes & incredulous looks my way; I get that a lot. But I did give in and say FINE, get a damn housekeeper. And you know what? It was pretty awesome.

For awhile.

But then things started to change.

My girl's favorite little nightlight disappeared. When I asked Lila*, she had no idea what I was talking about.


Then a crack showed up in one of our bathroom floor tiles. Again, Lila didn't have a clue.


Sigh.


Then there were gouges in the wood of one window seat, gouges in the wood of the bar, and a broken glass.


Then a glass candleholder wound up broken in my laundry room, where I had left it soaking in the sink.


Then random black smudges showed up on our bathroom countertops. Can't get them off.

Then my hubby's wedding ring disappeared. It's still gone. And we didn't discover this one until after we had let her go.


So we have been without a housekeeper for a couple of months. And honestly, it's not that bad. I just added more tasks in my multi-tasking schedule, and it's fine. No, it's not as clean and dust-free as it was, but it works.


Then last night, while in my daughter's room, I noticed that a collector's plate on her wall looked odd. I took it off the wall to find that it had been broken, in several pieces, and then glued back together. Whomever glued it did a shitty-ass job. How did I not notice this before?


The really shitty part is that this plate was given to me by my grandmother (who is no longer alive) when I was a little girl. So, it's sentimental. And it's f-ing broken.

There's really nothing I can do about it at this point, besides be bummed.

But then I thought, Maybe I can replace it? And sure enough, I found several on e-Bay. So, it's not the exact one given to me by my grandmother, but it is still the same plate. I think I want to replace it. What do you think?

*Lila is not her real name*

Friday Filler (Also: I'm fighting those mosquitoes & I.WILL.WIN)

So, let's see..how can I bore you for the next minute & a half?

Well, first off, my final grades are still not posted for this semester. It's killing me, the not knowing. I'm pretty sure I will check the stupid website 487,129 times between now and, say, Saturday.

*******

So after my girl got unbelievably swollen & beat-up looking from two mosquito bites, I spent a good deal of time on Google. (And I realize those pictures might not look all that bad to you, but both of those were taken within 20 minutes of being bitten, and she got worse, much worse. We are talking eye swollen shut, black & blue all the way around her eye, for days. We are talking entire foot swollen & purple, and then bruised for 3 or 4 days after the fact.)
After talking to her doctor again, we agree she is medically allergic to mosquito bites. I want to avoid pumping Zyrtec into her body every day of her life. I want to avoid spraying DEET on her every day. I do not want to have to avoid being outside, going to the park, playing ball, playing in the sandbox. It's just not fair to her. We are lucky enough that she hasn't been bitten on her neck, by her mouth, on her lip. Can you imagine if her throat closed up? I don't even want to think about it.
Anyway, I want to fight back. I want to try some natural things, in addition to the f-ing chemical warfare I've already scheduled to occur next week. So I spent 14568 hours on Google, looking at alternatives. Suggestions include planting peppermint, marigolds, rosemary, catnip, eucalyptus, & citronella grass in your yard. There's also something called a mosquito plant that you can supposedly only buy online, that I might try as well. I already have some peppermint & rosemary in my backyard, but I'm going to make sure I buy all of them, and put them in planters/pots by all my doors, so the little fuckers think twice before trying to enter my house.

Also, there's this eucalyptus lotion that supposedly pisses them off. I'm buying it. I've heard sandalwood lotion helps piss them off too; seeking it out as we speak.

So, dear Internet, I tell you all this to ask: do you have any tried & true things that repel the blood-sucking fuckers? Also, how about things you use to stop the pain, itch, and intense swelling? Oh wait, not everyone has that reaction. So far, we've been giving her Zyrtec, motrin for the swelling & pain, and putting lots of ice packs on. I've also made a paste out of baking soda & water to cover the bites with, but she isn't so happy about this one.

*******

Do you know what I cannot stand? When the help* does the laundry & "accidentally" puts two pair of dark jean shorts in with the light-colored clothing because then all the light-colored clothing comes out looking dirtier than it did when it went in, since now it all has this light-blue tint to it. I mean, I really enjoy my workout bra smelling fresh, but I really don't like it looking f-ing dingy. Ditto for my husband's socks & my cute white tank.

Do you know what else I can't stand? When "someone" forgets to leave a towel by the shower, so when I get out of my nice warm shower, I end up having to freeze my butt off walking to the linen cabinet to get a towel, and then on my way back over to the shower, I slip on the water footprints I made, and catch myself on the wall, but only after my foot goes in the trashcan & a toothpick gets stuck between my toes.

Yeah, good times.

*****

Has anyone seen Damon Wayans Junior? He was on Jimmy Fallon last night, and wow is he a cutie! He does look like his dad, and omg, all the Wayans sound alike & have similar facial expressions, but where have they been hiding this sweet guy?** And now I'm thinking of them in White Chicks & cracking my ass up.

*By "the help", I mean me.
**And that reminds me, The Bloggess asked recently who we would have sex with that isn't exactly a hottie. I said Rob Schneider & Steve Carell, but HELLO?? How could I forget the Wayans? Go check out the responses, as long as you aren't faint of heart!

Sweeping it under the rug

A couple of weeks ago I made slight mention of the fact that I am apparently a shitty housekeeper. Let me rephrase that: I do not think that I am a shitty housekeeper. In a nutshell:
-My house is about 2800 square feet
-I have a 3 year old with a buttload of toys
-I have 2 large dogs who think they are little chiuahuas, so they lie on the couch. Said dogs also shed like they are f-ing chows.
-I am in a neighborhood that is not yet built out, so there is dust everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

I will readily admit that I sometimes avoid doing dishes, because the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, and I.just.don't.wanna. That was the first chore that was given to me as a kid, so I've literally been emptying the dishwasher for like 25 years.

I will also readily admit that I don't always do very well with the laundry. It's just not ever done. I mean, I start it on Thursday nights, I fold, I hang up, I do another load, etc. But I don't always put it away. I just sorta lose steam. So, there is often a load of dirty laundry on the laundry room floor, a clean load getting wrinkly in the dryer, and folded stuff on top of the dryer. But it's not like I'm feeding anyone or entertaining anyone in my damn laundry room.

Other than that, I vaccuum, I clean toilets, I dust, I empty trashcans, I sweep, mop, pull weeds, mow...you name it, I do it.

So, I was a bit, put out, shall we say, when my husband started shopping for a maid right before we went on vacation. Whaaaa...????

For many of my friends, my mom, and I'm sure all 4 of you, this getting-a-maid bullshit is just fucking fa-la-la music in your ears. But, not me. It would just be too simple, right? I am so very complicated, so why wouldn't I complicate this minor issue?

To be frank, it pretty much pisses me off. I mean, I bust my ass to do all the cleaning, take care of my girl, drop off drycleaning, pick up drycleaning, do grocery shopping, run random errands, take care of the dogs....and I work, and I'm emotionally supportive, and I try to find time to reach my own dreams......and the appreciation I get is 'Hey, can you go let the maid in to clean the house today?'

I am trying very hard here to be patient, kind, emotionally supportive and stable, but THIS.PISSES.ME.OFF.

I feel like he doesn't think I do good enough. And yes, people, I do seem to have this slight issue with thinking that no one thinks I'm good enough for things. And maybe I do lay a lot of this on my husband's shoulders, and yes, I realize that he is not saying I am a sucky wife by doing this, but, but....still.

So, the maid comes once a week, and we pay her money that I don't want to pay her, and I let her in, and I ooo & ahhh about the good job she does, and....I still clean all week. I mean, I don't dust the baseboards every week, and it's impossible to keep up with the damn dust, and I don't go for the cobwebs all the time, but I do all the other shit. Oh, and I don't clean my toilets now. Or my shower. Or my girl's bathtub.

But I'm still doing the shit I tend to get lazy with : the dishes and the laundry. Hmmf.

So tell me: Am I being irrational here? Too sensitive?

My vaccuum listens about as well as my toddler

I have one of those snazzy iRobot Roomba's (like http://store.irobot.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2898148&cp=2501652&parentPage=family this) (FYI-why the hell can't I seem to make links look neat and tidy???). It's awesome. It was an awesome Christmas present (despite my off-hand comment that you don't give your wife a household appliance for any holiday-sorry, hon) and I adore it! So, if you aren't familiar, the Roomba basically vaccuums for you, and you can schedule it to do it's thing while you are gone. It's greatness. It sucks like the little sucker it is.
But.
Today I worked the last part of my day at home, and I figured, 'What the heck? I'll go ahead and have my Roomba do his thing.' So I pushed it's little clean button, and proceeded to sit in my chair and get some work done. The entire time, all I heard was the constant buzzing/sucking/spinning of Mr. Roomba. I figured it wouldn't take that long, but boy was I wrong. I watched that sucker go around my couch like 3 times. And try to eat my curtains, at the same window, about 12 times. So, smart girl I am, I started to talk to it.
"Get your ass over here."
"Dust bunnies in this direction, smart guy."
"Dude, are you seriously going to clean under the couch again???"
"Oh for the love of Pete!!! Get your ass in the kitchen!"
"Oh cripe...."
Do you think Mr. Roomba was listening to me? No. He kept going about his way, as he should, but seriously, I totally wanted him to vacate the premises of the living room and suck up the dried pasta under my daughter's chair. I picked him up and put him under her chair.
He came back into the living room. Frick.
I ended up picking him up 3 times, and strategically putting him directly on top of the dirt in the kitchen. I finally got sick of the whole thing, (and of bossing around an inanimate object), that I pressed the 'Dock' button on him, which means he is supposed to comply and march his ass straight to his charger in the dining room. Did he comply?
Hell no.
He kept sucking/spinning/buzzing, and always back into the living room.
This went on for well over an hour.
Grrrrrrr.
I ended up picking Mr. Roomba up, and told him he was going to time out. I placed him on his charger, and do you know what he did?
He back-talked me, just like my dang toddler.
'Beep Beep' with blinking lights.
Interpretation: 'Screw you lady-vaccuum your own damn floors if you don't like how I'm doing it!!!'