Where I whine & complain (& maybe lose some friends?)

So I have a minor dilemma (besides "Chocolate cake-to eat, or not to eat?"), and who better to ask than the internet, right? I mean, I have like 4 readers left after my long-ass mystery disappearance, so, it can't hurt to ask, right? Hell, the people I'm referring to (below) probably don't read anymore anyway.

I find myself to be pretty laidback. Low expectations, easy going, kind, funny, fun to be around. I mean, I don't think I'm exaggerating here: I'm a decent friend. Loyal, caring, blah blah blah.

So, when I ask something of others, it's usually important, right? Like "Hey, every holiday my kid is the only kid at my house, and it's sorta lonesome for her. How about this year you stop by with your kids, even if only for 30 minutes, so my girl isn't alone". I know it's someone else's fault that my brother and I are 10 years apart; my sister and I are 19 years apart-so I get that it's not my friends' fault that I have no nieces or nephews, no cousins for my girl. I get that.
And I know it's someone else's fault that I have 3 nephews and one niece on my hubby's side that we never see. As in, the last time I saw one of them, he was a toddler, and now he's in middle school. And it's certainly not my girl's fault that these cousins and uncles have absolutely no relationship with her.
And I get that the holidays are a crazy time. Everyone is running between 4 different houses, and just one more stop is the pain in the ass. I get that.
So, yeah, I'm asking a lot. I get it, for pete's sake.
So I send an email out, letting all my friends know it's no biggie, but it would be greatly appreciated. I had several people right off the bat say that they couldn't make it because they would be out of town. No biggie. I had about 20 people (including their spouses and kids) say 'Sure! We will stop by for a bit somewhere around blah o'clock.'
So.
My girl and I pick out presents for the kids of said friends.
And my hubby and I buy a shit-ton of food.
And then it snows.
So there were a couple of people who couldn't make it because of the weather. And I totally get that. No biggie.
But only one of them even bothered to call/email me.
The rest? I had to text them.
And a couple, had absolutely no excuse.
And a couple STILL haven't returned my text. It's fucking January 14th, people.

And all day I had to play it off, fielding my girl's questions: "When will so and so be here?" "Is so and so coming to play with me?"

Fuck me.

And I'm not even gonna bother to lie about this: It really hurt my feelings. I mean, seriously. I feel like I do a great job of being there for others. I go out of my way to watch other people's kids, set up playdates, support birthdays & parties, and just be there emotionally. And it's not like I didn't tell any of my close friends about this MONTHS ago. They KNOW how much it bugs me that my girl is the only kid in the middle of adults who drink too much and ignore her (not all of them; just some of them).

So, I tried not to cry, put away all the food, and carried on. Because I didn't want my girl to see me cry. And I didn't want my own feelings to affect my girl's holiday. So I told her the snow had slowed people down, and she played a ferocious game of Hungry Hippo with my dad, brother, and sister.

I said I was over it, but the reality is this: I took down my Christmas tree, and there are still a dozen presents from my girl to other kids under the tree. And every day, my girl asks me "When can I give so and so her present?" And I tell her "Soon, baby, soon". But really?
Today I put the gifts in the hallway closet. And I haven't emailed those friends since New Year's Eve, when I was dumb enough to invite them all over for New Year's.
I am not over it. My feelings are hurt. I am angry. I am feeling let down.

I am not talking about the one that emailed me because of the weather, or even the two that responded to my texts by saying the weather was keeping them in. I'm talking about the ones that didn't bother to respond to my texts, after they were all gung-ho about coming over in the first place. I'm talking about the ones that had shit-hole excuses.

And then begins the huge descent into the valley of disgust:

Am I fooling myself into thinking these people are really my friends?
Am I annoying?
Am I as annoying as my father?
Am I a bad friend?
Did I do or say something wrong?
Am I reading too much into this?
Do I value their friendship more than they value mine?

And I'm disgusted that I let it affect me like this. I'm disgusted that I am all wishy-washy about what to do with these gifts, that are still wrapped, for these kids of these friends who could give two shits about me and my daughter. I'm so disappointed in a couple of them. I mean, seriously? I've been to almost every birthday party of every one of these kids. I give birthday presents to these friends. I invite them to do stuff. I'm just flat out disgusted.

So advice please:

-Do I return the gifts? Or do I keep them and give them when these people finally hang out with me again?
-Do I say anything to said friends? Or do I just let it go and continue being my usual self, emailing regularly, texting, etc.?
-Do I continue the friendship? Or do I let it take a backseat to the friendships with those that did show up?

I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to appear whiny or desperate (well, FAIL there). I don't want these people to dote on me, beg for forgiveness, or kiss my ass. I guess maybe I would just like some acknowledgement that they hurt my feelings.
Aw, fuck. I don't know.

Happy fucking new year.

 

The "When pills aren't enough" Sessions

**Updated/edited!!: Please send me your post by Sunday, August 30th. I will then send you a post to put on your own blog by Monday evening, August 31st. Then we will all post on Tuesday, September 1st. Wanted to give more time to everyone! **

On several occasions over the past few weeks, I have read or heard people complaining that they can't be absolutely and completely honest on their blogs, for a variety of reasons. Maybe your mom reads your blog. Or your grandmother. Or you have co-workers or clients who have found your blog. Maybe your spouse doesn't like you telling "strangers" about the concerns you may have in your marriage. Whatever it may be, I'm pretty sure at some point you have been afraid to post something. And who can blame you? Who wants your grandmother to know you are testing & reviewing a dildo? Who wants your co-worker or boss to read about how stabby you get in the office?
Whatever it is, it would be nice to rant, bitch, complain, vent, get it out already, without the negative consequences. It would be great to get some feedback from other smart people out there, without worrying about losing readers (or your job).

Thus, The "When pills aren't enough" Sessions! (As in, "I took a pill to calm my ass down, but I'm still stressing/pissed/panicking." And I can't take credit for the name; Holly is fabulous with stuff like that.)


Basically, this is how it works:

• You send me an email (at dlwinkler (at)msn (dot)com) telling me you want to participate. Go ahead and give me the link to your blog as well. Let me know if there is anything you do not want posted on your blog.
• Then you send me your post. It can be about ANYTHING. Nothing is off-limits here.
• I will send your post to another participating blogger to be posted on their blog next Friday, August 28th. We will all post the guest posts that day.
• If you wish to have an under-the-radar, sneeky pen name for your post, go right ahead. Just put it in the email. If you want your blog to be linked on your post, let me know.
• Here's the great part: It's a round-robin sorta thing, so if your guest post goes on Participant #1's blog, Participant #1's guest post will not go on your blog, but on Participant #2's blog. That way, no one that normally reads your blog (like your mother or your nosy secretary) will be able to find your guest post!

Am I fabulously smart or what? (Don't everyone answer that all at once).

So! Pretty please email me if you are interested in participating! I will need your guest post by Wednesday night, August 26th.

Now I just need to decide what I'm going to write about first!

**You may see this post on several people's blogs today. Just trying to spread the word.Feel free to do the same!!**

Where I bitch like a 90 year old woman-Take 2

I swear, I have just turned 31 and my body is pissing me off. I've had some female issues (let's just leave it at that for those of you who don't already know) that have been a real pain in the who-ha.
Now I have an appt. with my doctor on Friday morning because I am having sharp, constant pain just at my sternum, through to my back, after I eat. It lasts for awhile, and feels like I am full in the wrong place after a big meal, and it's to the point that I feel like I'm getting heartburn. I try to get away from it-I try sitting up straighter, pushing my chest out, breathing deeply...Of course, I brush it off as gas, eating too much, blah, blah blah.
It's been going on a for a few weeks, but I can't really pinpoint when it began. Why? Because I have had so many stupid things wrong with my body since puberty hit, and I hate to think that my mother and husband think I'm a whiner or a hypochondriac.
Why? Because I had heart problems as a tween, and my mother didn't take it serious; she thought I was being dramatic. I ended up needing heart surgery.
I was born with a slight case of scoliosis, and have back pain over the most random things.
I was rear-ended by a drunk driver about 4 and half years ago (don't get me started) and went to the chiropractor to be on the safe side. Guess what? All that complaining about my neck always hurting had nothing to do with my shitty office chair and everything to do with the beginning stages of arthritis in the neck.
I hate pain-I complain about getting a TB test for cripe's sake-so my husband just sorta looks through me when I complain about something on my body hurting.
So, when did this start? *shrugs shoulders*
So, I was telling my friend about it the other day, because I know she will listen, and I know she will think of things I hadn't thought of, and....
she thinks it's my gallbladder/gallstones. She described trying to get away from the pain too. And she had her gallbladder out last summer.
Mother f-er.
So, off to the doctor I go tomorrow.
Wish me luck. Ridiculous.
What am I??? A 90 year old woman???

Where I bitch like a 90 year old woman

My girl loves to go to a local pizza buffet because of the little game room. We spend $4 in quarters to get her little miniature figurines (aliens, cows, turtles) and little plastic things full of cavity-inducing candy. Usually, the pizza is great. But, I am pretty sure we have officially crossed this place off of our list after our last experience.

Not only was the buffet full of spongy, several-hour-old pizza, but the salad bar was downright scary, and the ice machine was empty. And we were not there towards the end of the evening, when you would expect it to be like this. The place was pretty packed, and the pizza sucked!! (I can't get past that part, can you tell?)

But what really got us was the fact that there was not one single adult working. They were all teens. And I know I sound like a 90 year old crab-ass woman when I say this, but Why the hell are there no adults running this place??

They were all talking, laughing, having a grand old time (90 year old crab-ass again) ignoring the patrons (crab-ass) and their job duties (crab-ass). I didn't say anything at first, because I didn't want my husband to think I was complaining (like a 90 year old crab-ass), but he said something first.

"Does your pizza taste old?"

Then he noticed that two of the employees, both male, had long, fuzzy, gross hair and that neither of them were wearing hairnets. One looked like he had a damn chia pet for a ponytail and the other one had the greasiest hair all in his face. Ick.

No hairnets. Ick. (crab-ass)

We both looked at each other and said "We aren't coming back".

As we were leaving, one of the employees yelled to another "No, she's in the back tripping again". Like, tripping-acid tripping?! (crab-ass) I didn't stay to ask.

Goodbye, pizza place!

Interesting things taking up my time

Since I am so brain dead right now, I can't give you any glamorous, wonderfully thought out post. This is what ya get!

• I moved into a house much too big for me this past weekend, while they go about repairing (read: destroying) the water damage in my house. I spent most of my weekend unpacking, and trying to keep my head up.
• Temporary house had a water leak Saturday morning. Gave my girl a bath, and when I drained the tub, it flooded her room. My fault? No. Apparently, plumbers failed to attach bathtub drain to drain pipe, under bathtub. So, all that dirty bathwater? All under the carpet. This caused temporary chaos, as I moved everything out of my girl's temporary room, and now it's sitting, temporarily, in the hallway. See a trend here?
• I have written a lot of papers this semester. I was so intrigued by this that, instead of writing one of them Tuesday night, I decided to count just how many papers I have written this semester. That shiny number? 18. And I still have 3 to go. Can you believe this? In 3 classes?? In one semester??
• Because I was so exhausted from the unpacking and writing of other papers, I didn't write a 6 page paper (that was due Wednesday at 2pm) until Wednesday at 11:45am. That's right-I flew by the seat of my pants on that one. Can't wait to see the grade!
• It's finally getting cooler here, and I have discovered that I have next to NO warm clothes, other than jeans and pants. Tops? Not so much. And what I do have? Nothing makes a complete normal-looking outfit. Lovely.
• Thanksgiving is a week away, and I have yet to go food shopping. My dad will be in Colorado, my brother in Boston, and my mother at her house decorating for Christmas (don't ask). So, somehow, the busy girl is doing Thanksgiving at her house. Sigh.
• I'm still not done unpacking, but I have lost steam. I just don't wanna. Can someone come over and unpack my bar area (lots of liquor and wine!!) and the last 8 or so wardrobe boxes (maybe I'll find some more long-sleeved shirts in those boxes?).
• My dogs are staying at my house. They are going to go nuts, I am sure. They don't like to be alone all the time, even when they have each other. I miss them! I have too much on my plate to go over there and play with them or walk them every single day. That sounds harsh, huh? I don't mean it that way. And if it helps, I spent 20 minutes playing with and loving on them this morning. Also? While in the backyard, I came to the realization that my dogs poop too much.
• Since November's lofty goal is still packed away in a box, I feel like a chunky monkey. It sucks. All the results from my hard work at boot camp are gone.
• Not being in sync with your spouse blows.
• Temporary house is new+ Been sitting empty since it was done this summer=Cobwebs, black widows, and scary, hairy, black spiders that jump out at me when I am sitting on the toilet peeing in the middle of the night (True story).
• My last day of class with the crazy woman is next Wednesday. Woohoo! My last day in my first class is the 3rd. My last day in my fun class is the 10th. WOOHOO!!!
• I haven't started my Christmas shopping. This scares me!
• I miss some of my friends! I want to just hang out and relax a bit! Is that too much to ask?
• Trying to find St. Augustine sod in November is a bit difficult, apparently. Unless you want to buy a whole pallet. Which I don't. I just need 10 damn pieces, to cover the spot under the gate where my dogs dig and water pools and then the dogs dig more, which creates big mud balls being flung up against my house, which causes my head to explode a little, and my husband's head to explode a lot.
• Due to this, I seriously considered stealing some sod out of the back of some shiny Ford in the parking lot as I was driving to my favorite taco place today. But with my luck, a cop would be eating in the restaurant, and see me do it.
• Feeling anxious and stressed is not really one of my favorite things.
• EDITED TO ADD: Some fucktard backed into my jeep in the parking lot of the social work building last night. Lucky for me, the bumper is hefty and strong, and my jeep has a 4 inch lift. So, only a few little teeny scratches on the bumper. But the person's car did not fare as well-their taillight was in a thousand pieces on the ground in front of my jeep. Did this nice going-to-school-to-be-a-social-worker-type-person LEAVE A NOTE? Hell no. Am I going to be driving through the parking lot next week looking for a car with a broken taillight? Hell yes.

Happy Thursday! :)

If I sound ungrateful & bitchy today, it's because I AM

I am currently holed up in my home office-the only room in the house that doesn't have to be moved to the temporary house. My house is full of movers. I keep hearing the lone female mover going 'Oh, oops', which I know cannot be good. The front door is open. There are dust bunnies and dust dinosaurs floating all over the floors. I am pretty sure a bee just flew in the house; I can hear it beating itself angrily on the mirror in the hallway. My dogs are whining at the back door. I'm hungry and thirsty. I have a full fridge, but nothing to put food on or a drink in.

Last night was hell. Why can't these disasters be somewhat easy? I mean, why can't the actual disaster itself (the house flooding) be the only disaster in the entire situation?? That would be asking for too much, wouldn't it?

Our insurance company had us get 3 bids from moving companies. We get them, but they don't approve them until yesterday morning. So, I call the lowest bid, and they are booked for Friday (today). Called the 2nd company: Same situation. The third company said they had openings, and would have the crew call me to set up a time.

They never called.

I called them last night, was put on hold about 4,000 times, and then was told:
-"I don't know why they told you that one truck could move your house."
-"I won't have anyone available until 3pm."
-"It will take more than the 3 workers that we put on the bid, and it will cost more money than was on the bid."

So, you are coming later in the day, you are charging me more money, and you are telling me it is going to take longer to do it? And I should be happy about this, WHY??
*********
The restoration company that brought the fans and dehumidifiers ended up packing us. I came home last night to everything packed up. You might be thinking, Oh what a blessing that is. Lucky you, Danielle. But I'm thinking 'What the hell are any of us going to wear tomorrow?'
Clothes, deodorant, toothbrush, alarm clocks, pull-ups for my girl???? All packed. Make-up remover, lotion, make-up, toilet paper? All packed.

Moving for a 3 year old is a bit traumatic, understandably. After all the fans and dehumidifiers, she was dealing with all of her stuff in boxes last night. Trying to explain to her that we will unpack it all for her this weekend is not really cutting it. She cried for a good 15 minutes last night because they packed all her blankets, dear God. So her father found the box with the blankets, and she was happy as a lark...for 2 seconds. Then she cried because she wanted to sleep with us. Then she cried because we had no blankets (or sheets) on our bed.

Shoot me. Shoot me now.
*************
The phone woke me up early this morning. The moving company is now coming at 10am. Thank you.
So, here we are.
Hubby is at work, and is leaving in a couple of hours to go hunting all weekend. Which leaves me...???? Unpacking on my own. OH, and consoling the 3 year old who is all jacked up because she loves this house and doesn't want to leave her pink room. OH, and trying to find the box that contains my school bag and books, because imagine that: I have two papers due next Wednesday.
No Internet in the temporary house. No way to watch TV. Nada.

**************
My brother came back from Boston almost 2 weeks ago, and now he's leaving for Florida on Monday. Today he is driving down to San Marcos, where he was living before he moved in with me, to visit with friends. He just called me complaining that he was going to have to unpack his boxes to get clothes to take to San Marcos, and then oh, woe is me, he will be back Sunday night, and will have to hurry and pack to fly out to Florida Monday morning. And dear God, where did they pack his shampoo & body wash, and where the hell is he going to shower, and etc.???? And he asked me if they 'just threw' his shoes in a box (he's got this crazy almost-girl-like fetish with his shoes), and I informed him that I was not watching them pack his room, and for the love of Pete, at least they packed your room up for you, free of charge.

Really, sometimes I just hate life. Sometimes, I just want to be a kid again, and let everyone else worry about all the behind-the-scenes shit, so all I have to worry about is what someone else is buying me for dinner, and what sheets they will use when they make my bed.

Days like this, I really wish I could teleport myself to some secluded island about 400,000 miles away, with some good books, a nice hammock, and a large, sexy man to serve me endless drinks and pastries, and lather my body with sunscreen.

Because no one really wants to read a bitchy post

All of a sudden, I have gone from happy to oh-so frustrated with things. All in a couple of hours' time. Amazing huh? What's that you say? Medication? No, just more patience.
You really don't want to hear me rant about my dogs, and how I flipped both of them off tonight any time they even so much as looked in my direction. Because I love getting puked on, and I love when my dog then decides to do a sit-n-spin maneuver in the middle of it, and skids across the floor, trying to get outside. Oh, I love dog puke all over myself. Know what I love even more? When what the dog has puked is something she never should have eaten in the first place. Like, say, an autographed Texas Rangers picture from way back when they were a decent team, and an empty deodorant stick, and an used pull-up.
How about the big-ass steroid shot I got in my ass (oh, imagine that!) yesterday, and the fact that steroids have always made me stark-raving HUNGRY AS HELL. I just want to consume everything, at any time (except pictures, pull-ups, and empty deodorant sticks).
How about after said steroid shot, and the first of many installments of oral steroids, I.am.still.itchy.and irritated.

Oh, yeah, the positive stuff:

-I believe my brother is moving back here. And will probably be living with me. I.cannot.wait. We do fun stuff, like throw water balloons at unsuspecting runners & bike riders. We stay up all night to play Mario Cart, or the original Nintendo. I love him. This makes me want to jump up and down and SQUEEEEEE!

-I just bought Blackberry Cobbler ice cream. It is delicious. Don't care that it doesn't help me lose weight, or that it's full of sugar and carbs and FAT. It's lovely. That's all.

-I am going to New Orleans in exactly 18 days! Woohoo! Yummy food awaits me! And drinks. lots of drinks. and sleep not interrupted by a very sweet 3 year old saying 'Momma, your hair is all crazy when you sleep'. And lots of dancing, which I hope works off the calories of the drinks and food. Gumbo. MMMMmmmmm.

-Fresca and tequila. Someone told me about this, and tequila is my best friend, but I get pretty sick of having to drink it in margaritas, or straight. This sounds like it is sip-able. mmmmm. gonna try it out this week, I hope.

-Jodi Picoult's book 'Keeping Faith'. I just started it, and seriously, this is my thought process every night: 'Sleep? Read? Blog? Olympics? Sleep? READ!' It is sooo good!

-I am super proud of this one, and sooo excited!: I was awarded a fellowship for school today! I just applied for it a week ago! And I really didn't know what my chances were, but here it is! I got it! woohoo!!!

-I get to go buy books for class this week. And school supplies. And go to Olive Garden with my good friend Kristy. Weee!

-This is probably the best of all: I am going on a weekend trip to NYC, to see the Yankees play in the stadium b4 they tear it down! Is that not awesome??? It is for me, because that has always been something I wanted to do. Of course, I don't have plane tickets yet, nor game tickets, nor a hotel. That's part of the frustrating shit I'm not gonna blog about. So. yeah.

How about this lame post? I promise I'll be back with the thought-provoking, or funny, or whatever. It's just not happenin' tonight, guys!

Rants (and two little raves)

Today was a bad day. Well, not so much bad as absolutely frustrating to the very core of me. I'll get to what set me off, but let me just tell you all the things that made it worse once I was already annoyed-frustrated-batshit crazy.

--I saw not one, not two, but FOUR people throw their damn cigarette butts out their car windows. Smoking annoys the shit out of me to begin with. I hate when I go to a bar and I come home smelling like ass from all the people who chain-smoked their way through happy hour. But I deal with it from certain family members who smoke. I don't complain out loud, I'm not rude, I just deal.with.it. and then go home and wash all my clothes and take a shower.
Anyway, what really annoyed me about this is that it is extremely dry around here. We had a random rainshower yesterday (the first in almost a month), but I swear it evaporated before it hit the ground. We have watering restrictions, and a burn ban. Most lawns look like hay, especially in commercial areas, and definitely along the highways. And here are ignorant asshats throwing their damn cigarettes out their window! WTF? I mean, if you can handle that shit in your lungs, why the hell can't you put it out in your damn car and handle the smell of it until you can throw it in a trash can?? I just don't get people!

-- At work, I have been trying to collect money. I won't go into detail, but it is pretty hard to get some people to pay, and I understand some of it may be due to the economy. But! Just tell me you don't have the damn money to pay me for the work we did 4 months ago, don't LIE! Annoying! Don't make me feel like I'm the pain in the ass, calling you every few days, when I am hanging on the lie YOU told ME.

-- This story bothered me when I read it last night, and I've been thinking about it all day. Do I really want to write another post about the illegal immigration 'issue' in our country? No, not really. But this story really pissed me off because the damn defense attorney for one of the defendents is actually trying to say that the victim provoked the defendents by retaliating against their racial slurs. WTF?? Are you kidding me? Grrrrrrr.

-- Has anyone else been following the jacked up story about little Caylee Anthony in Florida? She was allegedly abducted about a month ago, and her mother decided to allegedly search on her own, without telling any of her family. And then, finally, Caylee's grandmother is a bit worried, finds her daughter's car abandoned, and calls the cops. All of a sudden, Caylee's mom surfaces, like nothing is wrong, and somehow, Caylee's mom convinces her own mother that Caylee is okay-"Oh, she's probably settling down for a nap by now." And then all of a sudden: "OMG! Caylee's been missing for a month! Help!"
WTF? The stuff the mother is saying doesn't make sense. The tapes of her talking to her brother and sister on the phone from jail are odd. She doesn't sound upset that her daughter is missing. She sounds annoyed that everyone is upset about the missing 2 year old. She does not sound remorseful, hysterical (as I would be), out-of-her-mind batshit crazy that her kid is missing. And then the grandmother goes on Larry King on Tuesday, and talks about how she thinks her daughter is innocent, but then she starts talking in circles too, and none of it really makes sense. Where the fuck is the little girl???? In my gut, I feel mom is involved. I feel she ditched her. Or killed her. Very sad.

I would say that these types of news stories don't normally get to me, but they do. Every day. I don't seek them out on CNN.com or on the evening news, but they are there, every day. And it saddens me. Some days, it really pisses me off, the awful things people do. Other days, it makes me so very sad. Sad enough to want to just curl in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep. Dramatic? No. Just that empathetic.

--Lastly, let's talk a bit about censorship. I have read several people's posts about being concerned that family members, the IT department, co-workers, or bosses will find their blog. I also read someone's blog about a month or so ago, talking about how she was going to shut down her blog because her husband may very well be going into politics, and she would hate for anything she wrote to be used against him.
When I read all these posts, I commented to each of them that they should JUST BE THEMSELVES AND LET EVERYONE ELSE DEAL WITH IT IF THEY DON'T LIKE IT.
But is that the best idea? Can you really write when you feel as though you've got someone looking over your shoulder, that you wouldn't necessarily want knowing all your thoughts? I understand that when you start a blog, you are really putting yourself out there, for the 'whole internet' to see, but I think maybe it's different when you realize that your father has been checking out your blog, or your grandmother. When it's an anonymous person, you aren't worried about censorship (or at least I'm not). I'm not worried that someone won't like what I have to say, because, if you don't like what I wrote, you don't HAVE to come back, right? But when it's a loved one reading your shit, their feelings may get hurt. They may be surprised by what you have to say. And that, is the issue.
I started blogging on Myspace. For myself. It was an outlet, and I knew that people would have access, but that didn't much bother me. It's not like I was blogging about my sex life. I eventually started my blog here, because I wanted to get away from Myspace, and also because I wanted to be part of this awesome community. I wanted to reach out to others, make new friends, gain insight into things, get support. And yes, it is still my outlet, for me. And I could just as easily keep a journal, but I would not have met all the lovely women (and some men too! sorry guys!) if I had not been brave enough to put my shit out there.

So, lovely blogging community, please tell me: Do you censor yourself if you find out someone is reading your blog? Or do you just go for it, and not worry about their feelings? Or, do you go for broke and shut the damn thing down?

And here is my two little teeny raves for the day:

-- I finally won a PiF contest!! Woohoo!!! I won Fiona Picklebottom's contest! Yipeee!!! I get books! I love books! My husband? Not so much. He's sick of seeing them pile up, since the bookcase I got 8 months ago is already bursting. But: Yay me!!

--I was given a cute little blog award by Holly. Look over there ---> to your right. Cute huh? She is such a sweetheart for thinking of me, and if she wasn't 14 bajillion miles away, I would march over to her house right now, beat down her door, give her a big hug, and pinch her cute nose! And share a few bottles of wine. Or rum. Or tequila. You get my drift.

Why I hate my Daisy-Mae lately

The dogs have been home for awhile now, and things have gone pretty well, for the most part. My girl is slowly learning that she needs to give Kooter space, and she backs up when he growls. They have gotten right back into the groove of things: eating on the back porch in the mornings, playing ball for a bit afterwards, sleeping on the cool wood floors during the day, & cozying up on the couch at night. However, Daisy has recently gone back to her old ways.

Last week I caught her digging a hole under the gate. It's a wrought iron fence and gate, so it's not like she was just trying to get a peek of the front of the house.

Three days last week, I came home to the contents of two bathroom trash cans scattered throughout the house. Cotton balls, 75258 pieces of tissues, a used pull-up (shredded, of course), and other random stuff.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to find a pile of puke on the dining room floor. Or rather, it was a Clorox cleaning wipe that someone thought she could eat, but obviously regurgitated.

And last night was the worst of all. After being gone for a mere 5 hours, I walked in the house to find a dozen or so pictures on the floor. In about 140,000 pieces. Pictures I had just organized a couple of weeks ago, so I could buy frames for them. I don't even know how the hell she got them, but she did.

Pictures that can't be replaced. My brother at 4 years old, wrapped up in a blanket our grandma made for him. My brother at 7 years old, with a too-serious look on his face, in a pose that is eerily-similar to mine in a picture from when I was 4. Three pictures of my foster brother. Three pictures that I really loved of my foster brother. Shredded.

Of course, I don't have the negatives, but I'm hoping they just happen to be in my dad's house somewhere. Of course, I couldn't find all the pieces of each picture, because Daisy fucking eats the stupidest stuff!, so I can't even try to have the pictures restored by someone. And I damn sure am not going to root around in her 7000 piles of crap for the missing scraps.

Times like this, I wish we had never gotten her. This morning she is perky, as usual, bouncing around as I feed her, drooling all of the place, like everything is fine. This morning, my mind is scrambling, thinking of all the places photo negatives could be stashed in my father's house.

TGIMFF. Ha.
All week long I practically ache for the weekend to come. I mean, my work week is not hideous, and for the most part, besides my child's never ending whining, clingyness, and cough, the most difficult part of my week is trying to figure out what the f--- I'm going to cook for dinner. Seriously, I have minor frustrations pertaining to my immediate family, and stresses surrounding being a parent. But other than that....
I can tell you all the blessings in my life. And I have many, I know.
A roof over my head (and a nice one, at that!). My health. My family. A good head on my shoulders. The ability to buy things I need and want. A healthy beautiful charming toddler. I have food, my bills are paid, I have a job......
blah blah blah, you get it. I am lucky, blessed, etc.
But. (you know there is always a but, right?)
So, when the weekend comes, I almost always feel a bit disappointed. Not to say that I am hard to please, or that I am wholly unhappy. I am happy, and I am not a difficult person to make happy.
However, for the past couple of years, I have had this feeling, that I haven't really been able to put my finger on. It has taken me about the past year to figure out that this feeling has a word, and that word is: discontent.
And funny, I've been thinking about this discontent this evening, and I decided I would go read some blogs, hoping to find something to make me giggle (it's usually not very hard). And I did find things to make me giggle, but I also found several blogs talking about being content. Content with life, content with her body, her husband, her job, her place on this planet. And I find it ironic that I am feeling so damn discontent, reading the blogs of all these happy-go-lucky beautiful women who are just so f-ing content. God surely has a sense of humor.
There are so many things that I am proud of, things that I love, people that I love. I am so very lucky. So why the hell am I not content?
I sometimes wonder if it has anything to do with being a Pisces? Or maybe it's just my personality in general? Or maybe I'm a whiny bitch? You choose.
I don't really know what it is, but it is miserable. It is what wakes me up in the middle of the night, out of a deep sleep. It is what nags at me during the quiet hours after everyone in my house is breathing evenly, and dreaming. It is what claws at me in the early morning, when I am trying to get out of bed to start my day. It wraps itself around my legs, and I get caught up in it.
And I truly have no idea why.
Like I said, I don't have anything major to complain about. My family is safe and healthy. I have some very good friends. I don't have a friend that just passed away. I don't have a sister recovering from breast cancer. I don't have a terminally ill parent or child. I am not ill. I am not alone. But this.... restless desire or craving for something one does not have....it is still here. Deep in my chest.

Seriously? I mean, come on. Another damn night of stormy weather, trying to sleep in uncomfortable positions, my kid screaming.......What the hell have I done to deserve this???

I am so tired right now, that I don't think I can type in complete sentences. I am going to throw some psycho-analytic stuff your way, and let you try to figure out my whole 'stream of consciousness' blubber:

2am-Lightning, thunder so loud it shook me awake, electricity out, screaming terrified toddler.
2:02am-Husband snoring, hail, 60+ mph winds, toddler whining about being held in just the right way.
2:04am-Scream at the husband, tornado sirens, still no electricity. Tornado? Who the hell knows, because seriously, after 3 damn years of 'severe weather' while living in Springtown, I still have not invested in a damn weather radio.
2:20am-Toddler is hungry, I am sweaty with no air circulating in my house, my husband is going back to sleep.
3:00am-Pop Tart crumbs all over my side of the bed, spilled milk on my pillow, still sweating.
3:10am-Husband is snoring, toddler is bossing me around.
4:00am-Snoring husband. Talking, coughing, bossing toddler.
5:00am-Snoring husband. Snoring toddler. Both appear to be comfy, cozy. I, on the other hand, am curled up in a ball in some unnatural position, with about 4 square inches of sheet, no pillow, and the toddler's arm wrapped tightly around my neck.

Today, I can't turn my head to the right. My neck just won't give. My backyard is flooded....again. My toddler is still coughing, sneezing, snotting, and is extremely whiny. I am worn the hell out. My body aches, I have a little itch in the back of my throat, and yet....
it was I who was lying curled up in a ball in some unnatural position next to my toddler's crib this evening, as she coughed, coughed, coughed.

Oh, and I can't handle "Cool Burst" Tylenol Severe Congestion. Right now I have two little icy-hot bean-sized rocks lodged in the middle of my chest. How exactly does that help my stuffy head, stuffy nose, sinus pressure????

Off to bed I go, to dream of night-time fairies who will forgive my transgression when I stomp their asses and burn down their little fairy huts.