SQUEEEEEEE!

Full intentions of posting something of substance, but uhhhh......

I JUST GOT OFFERED A JOB! W/ BENEFITS! AND GOOD PAY! AND....ZOMG!

T-minus 14 hours and COUNTING

Well, April 4th is finally ALMOST upon us, and I truly think I am more excited than Grace. I just really can't wait to see her little bird leg without the cast, and even more so: she desperately needs to soak in a bathtub, for like 4 hours. Or 4 days. I need to see those hands and feet turn into wrinkly little prunes. She has not bathed since February 21st. Well, let me re-phrase that: She has not bathed in a bathtub since February 21st. We do the whole torture ordeal once or twice a week: make her lie on the kitchen counter, hold her down like we are about to give her a shot, and then wash her hair. As she screams, cries, shrieks, squirms, and all sorts of other things that start with the letter 's', I do a half-assed job of wiping her down with a washcloth. Have I mentioned how much she doesn't like to be held down? Or have water sprayed on her head? Who is this child? She can't be mine!

So tomorrow we get the cast off! Yipeee! It is dirty, stinky, and is falling apart on the bottom of her wee-little toddler foot. And she has a helluva callous on her big toe, so I have my work cut out for me if she thinks she's going to have pretty toes this summer!!

During 'The time of the Cast', we have converted her crib to a toddler bed (of sorts), converted the toilet to a constant toddler potty, and given the final binky to 'the new babies'. My baby is really becoming more of a little girl. She even left her little blankie at home yesterday, and it was I who was hyperventilating when, as I dropped her off at daycare, I discovered it was not in the car, and oh my gosh I must go back and get it now! She didn't even notice!!!! So I'm thinking we might really graduate to the stage of leaving that nasty, not-so-pink blankie at home.

With all this growing up shit, I guess I'll just admit it, outright, that I'm having a bit of baby fever. Holy crap. Did I really just type that??? Shit.

But my lack of patience, and my huge frustration level, and various other personality issues, really do scream to me that I am not ready. But oh......the smell of a baby's head, the way they curl up in your arms like a little ball of love, the way they sleep on your chest with the booty sticking straight up in the air......

But no. No babies right now. My system (read: sanity) is already about as high-strung as it can get, and I need to give myself a break before I throw a baby into the whole mix again.

But those little baby sighs when they have a full belly and have just drifted off to sleep......

On to other real-life dilemmas...

I was finally 'allowed' to tell my clients today that my last day there is next Wednesday. It was pretty painless for the most part, but two of my non-verbal clients gave me the finger in their own ways: One stared me down and then turned her back to me, and when I went to touch her arm and sign 'Sorry' to her, she snatched her arm away; and the other was sitting next to me when I told everyone. She looked at me,then got up and moved to another table.

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

And then one of my most favorite clients simply said, "This is an April Fool's joke, right? Tell me right now that this is a joke."

It was a replay of when I left my first position at CPS. It hurt like hell to tell all of those kids on my caseload. All those kids who had me as their caseworker for 4 straight years (which is eternity for CPS!). I dreaded telling them. My stomach was clenched, and my mouth felt like I'd just eaten a bucket of sand. What I feared most was hurting them, not that I would hurt. And that is how it was today. I am a people-pleaser, and I hate to see those I care about hurting. I will do something that ultimately hurts me, if it helps a loved one. Nuts, I know, but that's just me. Take it or leave it.

So, the end of my work week was filled with a teeny bit of regret at leaving, but I am forcing myself to look at this opportunity as a blessing:

I will be able to help my husband in ways that he has not allowed me to in the past, I will get to spend more time with my husband on a daily basis, hopefully my abilities as his secretary/assistant will ease some of his stress, and I will hopefully have less stress in my life.

Ha. Did I really just say that? Wow, I am amazing myself with my boldness tonight.

I shall leave you with some pics of the girl, in various stages of smiles and undress. Oh, and don't you love her grape-balancing abilities?

Hit the road, Jack

Well, I did it. It took me 2 days, but I was finally able to give my 2 weeks' notice to my boss at 4:52pm today. Way to wait till the last minute, huh? I didn't really do it on purpose-my boss was just all over the place today, and the office was not one of those places until the end of the day.
And this is how it went, in a nutshell:

Me: I hate to do this, but I need to turn in my 2 weeks' notice.

Boss: Really? Wow-that sucks! Now I have to find someone to do your work!

Me: Huh?

Boss: Can you get A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K done before you leave?

Me: Um...I'll do my best.

Boss: Okay. Well, thanks for the imposition.


No, really, it was painless, and also a bit of an eye-opener. It was obvious that she didn't much care that it is me that is leaving. It's more of the fact that there will be a vacancy that she has to fill, and that just doesn't fit into her busy schedule. I got the feeling she wasn't all that disappointed, just annoyed that my leaving is adding something to her to-do list.
Hmmf.

So, hit the road Jack, and don't ya come back, no more, no more, no more, no more.....

My so-called life

Things have been nuts lately. For one thing, I'm having chest pains, which is not really a good thing at all. It's just slight, and I'm pretty sure it's due to stress. But considering I have had some heart problems for 18 years, and I had heart surgery 5 years ago in July, I can't take this stuff lightly.
I have been stressing about my husband's health, stressing about a few of my clients, stressing about my mother, sister, and father, & big time-stressing about my brother. I actually felt all tight and stuff in my throat while on the phone with him the other day, and that hasn't happened since I was pregnant with Grace, and my father kicked my brother out of his house. This crap is serious!
So anyway, I don't want to get into too much detail, but let's just put it this way: my brother has bad luck. B.A.D. L.U.C.K. Not just a tiny bit 'Oh, I got a flat on my way to work', but BIG TIME 'I got pulled over by the cops, he gave me a ticket for speeding, expired registration, then decided to do a sobriety test, made me walk the line, searched my truck, found nothing, impounded my car, and left me on the side of the highway at 11:30 at night'.
As my sister put it: 'If he needed to swim in the ocean, the waves would go flat'.
It's just unreal. It just keeps going and going and going, and I know there is only so much I can physically do, and it is TORTURE! I think I know how parents feel about their teen, to an extent. It's just nuts.
On a different note, but still stressful for me:
My husband really needs help at his office. He owns his own business, and his secretary is leaving. He works a ton of hours each week, and there is no possible way he could do her job as well. And there is no way that I can do my job and be his secretary, because my current boss is a bit uptight, shall we say, about money, budgeting, billing, and just how many minutes of your time you give her each week. She is a bit of a time nazi. I don't mean this harshly (not really), but she would not be willing to let me work from my husband's office 2 days a week, work for him, and also do all documentation for that job as well. It just ain't happenin'.
So......I've been thinking about it since last week, and I have made my decision, although it is a hard decision in some ways. I love my clients. They have kind hearts, and I feel such positive energy when I am around them. I don't want to be away from them. At the same time....
Here's the rundown of my current job:
PROs:
~only 7 miles from home
~wonderful clients
~the work itself is so very easy & un-stressful
~positive experiences with clients

CONs:
~I took a more than $10,000/year paycut
~I was promised health insurance when I accepted the job, and then a month later was told they weren't getting insurance. All you have to do is read about my daughter's ankle to know that I MUST HAVE INSURANCE. And have you ever looked at individual policies!? Highway robbery (that's the old woman coming out in me)! $346/month for the 3 of us, and it's a PPO, but it's an ADDITIONAL $373/MONTH if I want maternity coverage. Did you get that? Go back and read it again, slowly. I'll wait for you to catch up.
~There is office drama that is so very annoying. Such as: guardians pushing some of us around, an employee that I strongly suspect is an alcoholic, and she works directly with the clients (let me remind you that I work with clients who have special needs, like cerebral palsy, autism, down's, etc.)
~I feel like people don't give my experience, expertise, or opinions any credit, because I am younger than all the other employees there. I say things, and they look at me like I have 2 heads, which I really don't.
~My boss is a time and money nazi. I understand owning your own company is stressful, and you need to really count your cents, but SERIOUSLY??? MUST you ask me 'Is that billable?' every time I do something, anything, including spin around in my chair or pick my nose???? Come on!!!
~There is constant chaos. And I do chaos rather well, but it is shit that doesn't need to be chaos, and my boss will get in a tizzy about something that really isn't serious, and then look at me like I have 2 heads again when I don't go all nutso about it like her. Everything DOES NOT have to be drama. We really could run this more smoothly if we didn't get all up-in-arms about someone using half a jar of jelly on their p&j sandwich.
~Did I mention the chaos???
~Did I mention the paycut?

Oh yeah, I did.

So.

I have decided to quit. Not because I am a quitter. But really:
My husband's job/company is our livelihood. He is very successful, and all in all, his income pays the damn bills. Mine pays stuff, but not like his. And he needs help. I have to be supportive. I must. I would not be proud of myself if I didn't help him.
I will make the same amount working for him that I am making now. Plus, I'll only work 3 days a week. And here is the BIG ONE!! (drumroll, please):
I can go to grad school in the fall and not worry about juggling a social work job while doing social work courses!!! I will do a construction job (well, all the paperwork/money stuff that has to do with it, anyway) and not be stressed out beyond my limit by the time I hit the classroom each evening.
Is that not the greatest!? I am so very excited about that part!!!
But I am dreading tell my boss. I am dreading telling my clients.
Wish me luck.