How I know I'm almost 90...er, 30.

Get ready-I'm gonna be blunt, and for all you youngin's reading this:

RUN! GO HAVE FUN NOW! Party! WEAR GREAT CLOTHES & SEXY SHOES! WEAR THE IRRESPONSIBLY BUT SEXY BRAS W/ MATCHING PANTIES! Be wild & irresponsible (to an extent)! Use birth control! Flirt shamelessly! Hell-have a one night stand if you aren't attached! Dance until the club/bar closes. Then go to IHOP or Awful House, and go to bed after the sun rises. Go to college NOW-don't put it off until 'later'. Oh, and wear fake eyelashes while doing some (or all) of the above. It's a must.

(Deep breath)

How I know I'm almost 30:

1. I ache when I get up in the morning. It might just be my mattress, and I would love to blame it all on that, but I don't think I really can.

2. I'm annoyed when I'm up in the dead of the night. I used to stay up until 3 am and I didn't mind. And I could even wake up at 7am to get to class the next morning. Now, not so much.

3. I spend way too much time staring in the mirror at my imperfections. Wow-when I was 17, I could care less. I spent very little time analyzing my body's faults.

4. Some worn out body part/muscle cramps up after (or, sadly, during) sex. Say, for instance, the time both of my hips cramped up, and I laid there crying and laughing at the same time. Or how about the time I got a cramp in my neck, of all places? I don't think I need to give you any visuals.

5. The thought of getting dressed up to go to a bar or club is exhausting.

6. When I do actually get dressed up, I don't know where to go! Am I that un-cool already? I used to close down some clubs when I was 18, but now they shut me down.

7. I have to rationalize what type of drink I'm going to have:
"If I have a rum & coke, I'll get all bloated from the coke."
"If I drink wine, I will get super-thirsty."
"I can do shots & get drunk quick, but then I run the chance of having a stomachache."
"If I do a frilly, girly drink, I really run the risk of a stomachache."
"Beer-ugh, BLOATED."
"Fuck it, I'll have a tequila shot."

8. I have to choose clothes that hide my muffin-top. Oh, and that will hide the bloating that will occur throughout the night from any of the above in #7.

9. I'm more excited about eating something out than drinking something.


10. Sex is the last thing on my mind when I stumble in at 3am, drunk off my ass.
Sleep, sleep, s.l.e.e.p.

Weeeeeee! Can't wait to see 40.

1 comment:

Kristie said...

Welcome to the dirty 30's darling. It sucks. But at least we get to be adults. Ha!