My girl

My girl has a fever and a sore throat. The past two nights have been fun, let me tell you! Anyway, still no internet or TV at my house, but I'm pretty sure I know every bloody line in the Tinkerbell movie (help me).

Here's a preview of pictures with Santa:

This is Grace and Lorelei, Grace's little friend and my dear friend's older daughter.


Karma is a bitch, but a stupid one

I was standing in the school parking lot Wednesday night chatting with a classmate. I glanced towards my jeep, and saw something lying in front of it. We walked over, and what could it be? A million pieces of broken taillight from someone else's car. Someone had backed into my jeep. The damage is so minimal-a couple of teeny scratches on the bumper. It's not noticeable, or even worth mentioning. So why, you ask, am I mentioning it?
Well, for one, it's the Social Work parking lot. Meaning, someone with a kind soul and a need to cover their ass took off without leaving a note. I realize I just said there was no damage, but come on-at least leave me a note, saying " I'm sorry I was a dumb asshat". Although, I don't need a note to tell me this, fellow social worker.
As I was discussing the fact that I would be driving around the parking lot next week with my eyes peeled for a car with a broken taillight, I realized:
Karma is a bitch.

See, several years ago, a friend and I (and it was the 'love-to-get-drunk-with' type of friend, not the 'if-your-world-falls-apart-tomorrow-I-will-be-there-to-hold-you-up' type of friend) went out for drinks. We went to a local bar a couple of miles away that kept business going by catering to truckers (what with the titty bar next door) & to poor drunk schmucks like us, by serving $.25 'you call it' shots. I loved that place. I could spend $5 on one beer and a tray full of tequila shots, dance on my chair, and call it a night. So that's what we did.
Except, we had no one to drive us home.
So, dumb asshat schmuck that I am....I drove.
Please don't alert MADD or DADD. I assure you that this was one of the only times, and the last time I drove drunk (just typing that gives me the chills).

I drove home rather well, if I do say so myself: didn't run any lights, drove the speed limit, followed all rules of the road. All was well until we turned into our neighborhood. There were two ways to get to my house through our neighborhood, and I intended to go one way. However, we both remembered that if we went the other way, we could drive by the drunk assholes who always hung out in their driveway, screaming obscenities at everyone who drove by. Seeing as we were drunk ourselves, we figured we could beat them at their own game. We were feeling feisty.

Here's where the true drunk intellect comes in:

I was already going one way. So, instead of pulling into someone's driveway, backing up, and going the other way, I decided that I was going to put it in reverse, in the middle of the road, without looking to see if anyone was behind me. Lucky for me, no one was behind me. However, the car parked along the curb did not fare well when I backed into it. Going like 20mph. I looked back and said 'What did I hit? Oh, the curb."

I did not even see the car.

We survey the damage after we pull into my driveway. Holy hell, the rear end on the driver's side was annihilated! So, we decide we need to see what it was that I hit. We find a sober person (Why didn't we think to do this before I drove??) to drive us in an undamaged car back to the 'scene of the crime'. At this point, I didn't think there actually had been a crime.

When we get there, we discover that I backed into a car. A car parked along the curb, already in bad shape, with twelve different shades of primer all over it, riddled with dents and dings. And now, with a caved-in driver's door. They were going to have to pull a Dukes of Hazard to get into this car, if it was indeed driveable.

I can giggle now, thinking of the shape this car was in, with this huge dent in the side. But then? Oh, I wasn't giggling. And I didn't do the right thing. I didn't leave a note, I didn't knock on the apartment door, I didn't call the police. I didn't even tell my parents. Oh, and I attempted to lie about it to my husband. Wow, can I please get the 'Citizen of the Year' award? Jeez.

My car was fixed, the damaged car was eventually towed for being in the street, and all was well. Whew. I also said about 40 Hail Marys and prayed for my soul.

And now I am laughing, because yeah, Karma is a bitch, but she sure is a stupid one.:

(Whispering) A few scratches on my bumper? Wow, I made out!


Interesting things taking up my time

Since I am so brain dead right now, I can't give you any glamorous, wonderfully thought out post. This is what ya get!
  • I moved into a house much too big for me this past weekend, while they go about repairing (read: destroying) the water damage in my house. I spent most of my weekend unpacking, and trying to keep my head up.
  • Temporary house had a water leak Saturday morning. Gave my girl a bath, and when I drained the tub, it flooded her room. My fault? No. Apparently, plumbers failed to attach bathtub drain to drain pipe, under bathtub. So, all that dirty bathwater? All under the carpet. This caused temporary chaos, as I moved everything out of my girl's temporary room, and now it's sitting, temporarily, in the hallway. See a trend here?
  • I have written a lot of papers this semester. I was so intrigued by this that, instead of writing one of them Tuesday night, I decided to count just how many papers I have written this semester. That shiny number? 18. And I still have 3 to go. Can you believe this? In 3 classes?? In one semester??
  • Because I was so exhausted from the unpacking and writing of other papers, I didn't write a 6 page paper (that was due Wednesday at 2pm) until Wednesday at 11:45am. That's right-I flew by the seat of my pants on that one. Can't wait to see the grade!
  • It's finally getting cooler here, and I have discovered that I have next to NO warm clothes, other than jeans and pants. Tops? Not so much. And what I do have? Nothing makes a complete normal-looking outfit. Lovely.
  • Thanksgiving is a week away, and I have yet to go food shopping. My dad will be in Colorado, my brother in Boston, and my mother at her house decorating for Christmas (don't ask). So, somehow, the busy girl is doing Thanksgiving at her house. Sigh.
  • I'm still not done unpacking, but I have lost steam. I just don't wanna. Can someone come over and unpack my bar area (lots of liquor and wine!!) and the last 8 or so wardrobe boxes (maybe I'll find some more long-sleeved shirts in those boxes?).
  • My dogs are staying at my house. They are going to go nuts, I am sure. They don't like to be alone all the time, even when they have each other. I miss them! I have too much on my plate to go over there and play with them or walk them every single day. That sounds harsh, huh? I don't mean it that way. And if it helps, I spent 20 minutes playing with and loving on them this morning. Also? While in the backyard, I came to the realization that my dogs poop too much.
  • Since November's lofty goal is still packed away in a box, I feel like a chunky monkey. It sucks. All the results from my hard work at boot camp are gone.
  • Not being in sync with your spouse blows.
  • Temporary house is new+ Been sitting empty since it was done this summer=Cobwebs, black widows, and scary, hairy, black spiders that jump out at me when I am sitting on the toilet peeing in the middle of the night (True story).
  • My last day of class with the crazy woman is next Wednesday. Woohoo! My last day in my first class is the 3rd. My last day in my fun class is the 10th. WOOHOO!!!
  • I haven't started my Christmas shopping. This scares me!
  • I miss some of my friends! I want to just hang out and relax a bit! Is that too much to ask?
  • Trying to find St. Augustine sod in November is a bit difficult, apparently. Unless you want to buy a whole pallet. Which I don't. I just need 10 damn pieces, to cover the spot under the gate where my dogs dig and water pools and then the dogs dig more, which creates big mud balls being flung up against my house, which causes my head to explode a little, and my husband's head to explode a lot.
  • Due to this, I seriously considered stealing some sod out of the back of some shiny Ford in the parking lot as I was driving to my favorite taco place today. But with my luck, a cop would be eating in the restaurant, and see me do it.
  • Feeling anxious and stressed is not really one of my favorite things.
  • EDITED TO ADD: Some fucktard backed into my jeep in the parking lot of the social work building last night. Lucky for me, the bumper is hefty and strong, and my jeep has a 4 inch lift. So, only a few little teeny scratches on the bumper. But the person's car did not fare as well-their taillight was in a thousand pieces on the ground in front of my jeep. Did this nice going-to-school-to-be-a-social-worker-type-person LEAVE A NOTE? Hell no. Am I going to be driving through the parking lot next week looking for a car with a broken taillight? Hell yes.

Happy Thursday! :)


My Old Room

My father still lives in the same house that he and my mother bought together back in 1985 or so. Up until about 4 years ago, it looked exactly the same as my mother had left it, when she and my father divorced. She had decorated it when I was a freshman in high school, and my dad never moved a thing after she left. That's a story for another day.

About 4 years ago, I got a wild hair, and decided to paint the whole first floor of my father's house (minus the kitchen and small 'powder bath' (which, why the hell is it even called a powder bath??)) in one day, with the help of my (then) 16 year old brother. I picked a color, we taped stuff off, and went to town. I think it came out great, other than the spots where my brother got bored, so in turn got sloppy, and painted the ceiling. My dad was a bit speechless when he came home, and I think it took him awhile to get used to it. But it really had to be done. I took stuff off the walls that had 7 inches of dust on it, and donated it. I bought him some newer decorations to replace those. Since then, he's redone the kitchen, changed the dining room into a workout/computer/piano room, and put up a ton of gorgeous pictures he took on his honeymoon (with his second wife, not my mom).

'My Old Room' as I so lovingly refer to it as, is nothing like I left it. Like Swistle, my father changed the use of the room after I moved out as well. Actually, if I remember correctly, before I even moved out, my brother (then just 9) was plotting his take-over of my room, picking out paint colors and drawing various furniture layouts. I left minor things, like a scrapbook I made from 8th grade, and some old Nancy Drew books (LOVED Nancy Drew!!) that my grandmother gave me, and some other stuff that I didn't think I would want. Within a few hours of moving to my own apartment, my brother had moved my stuff to his room, and shoved it in the back of his closet. Within a week or so, the wallpaper border was ripped off, the lovely girly color was gone, and the walls were covered in magazine pictures of basketball stars and R&B singers. The only thing he kept were the glow-in-the-dark stars I had put all over my ceiling, in actual constellations.

I had officially been evicted.

Just 8 years later, my brother left the room. He took the basics, leaving all the posters and pictures, and left the closet in shambles. It wasn't long before the room contained a computer desk and a computer. A couple of years ago, my father's step-sons moved in, and they made that room their 'hangout' spot, adding a TV, a Playstation, more computers, and a ton of other junk. The cat moved in with them, and guess where the litter box is? You guessed it.

When I go in that room now, I don't really get the chance to be nostalgic. I am not propelled back to my teen years. It doesn't smell like me, or look anything like I left it. It doesn't even really feel like mine. And really, that is fine. It is his house, and I am an adult, so what do I need a teenaged-me room for?

Although, it got me thinking, when I get nostalgic for 'home', what really can I call home? My father's house, where I grew up, does not feel like mine, or feel like it did when I grew up. My mother has moved more times than I can count on my hands (and not really her fault), and I view her house as her house, not My Old Home. I guess this is just part of growing up.


Oh, Texas, how I love thee (Or 'Oh, stupid narrow minded people, how I loath thee)

I got this email forwarded to me yesterday from a relative of my hubby's that will remain un-named, but whoo boy. She has always emailed me things that make me cringe and scream simultaneously, and I marvel how there are so many people out there that are just so narrow-minded, so fearful of change, so selfish. I say that I am tolerant of all different ways of thinking and doing things, but being selfish? I am not so tolerant of that.
And I continue to marvel at how, although this un-named relative knows I am a social worker, knows I am a giving and helping type of person, and has got to know by now that I am fairly liberal, she still sends me shit that is the exact opposite of those things. What the hell??

So. Since I can't keep anything to myself, I will go ahead and share with you. Please, please enjoy, and know that this is not my opinion. And although I love Texas, I do not believe in this ideology at all:

Texans are not whining about the elections. Ok, Folks. Texas has given you complainers plenty of time to get used to the election results. After listening to all the whiners after the election, some folks from Real Texas have decided that we might just take matters into our own hands.

First a little history lesson. It's our independent nature to point out the people who enjoy the Texas Lifestyle have the right to secede and form our own country once again whenever the people of Texas choose to do so. Some other states also have this right. The difference is, Texas has actually pulled that trigger before. Yes, Texas was an Independent Republic before it became a state and can secede. Nothing inherently prohibits that from taking place.

Let's get this straight. John McCain, a real American hero, carried Texas by over a million votes. Texans can still smell the fires of the Twin Towers . We would also honor President Bush. George Bush simply did what any Real Texan would do and that is to go try his best to annihilate anyone who was responsible for attacking us. We don't fault him for that. We applaud that sort of behavior. It's Texas politics, Texas style. *We're ready to secede.*

Don't get me wrong. We like ya'll - We just don't want to *be like ya'll.*

#1: Barack Obama becomes President of the United States (all the other 49 states).
#2: Ross Perot becomes the next President of the Republic of Texas and invites John McCain to be an honorary Texan. We honor our heroes in Texas and honor their service. McCain is welcome here and he can be Secretary of the Texas Navy. Native Texan George Foreman will be Secretary of Defense. After that is all said and done, we wish Mr. Obama well. We really do.

We expect one of Perot's first acts as President of the Republic will be to tear down the border wall and erect a 10' wall around Austin to keep the "Austin Weird" folks in and away from the rest of us. If they will just pipe their Texas music out over the wall, it will keep the rest of us happy. ( Just kidding my Austin relatives on that one.)

However, Willie will be Secretary of Agriculture and music. Wonder what he will grow?

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic? Here's a few things to be aware of:
Texas is the 11th largest economy on the planet. We are bigger than Spain and right behind Great Britain . We are also bigger than Russia . We are an economic force to be reckoned with. We have a constitutional amendment to balance our budget..and we do it. We also have a multi-billion dollar budget surplus this year. We are so big, we have our own power grid. Yes, that's true.

*What else?* NASA is in Houston . (we will control the space industry). We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States . Defense Industry? We have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas ," will take on a whole new meaning. Oil - we can supply all the oil the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years.
Obama states? Sorry about that. As David Werst said, *"We like ya'll, we just don't want to be like ya'll."*

You can buy oil (pronounced like ya'll) from us instead of terrorist countries that hate you. We will love you for paying so much to us instead of Saudi Arabia , Venezuela , Kuwait and others.
You don't want to 'drill baby drill' or put up with those nasty oil wells? Well, we do and we know how to do it without polluting the land, air, and sea. BTW-We have our own ports and shipping lanes. We're also not "waiting on our FEMA check" to rebuild Galveston . We are doing it right now as we speak.

Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and again, it's just too bad about you blue Obama states who don't want drilling. We've been driving around with those big tanks in the backs of our pickups for years now. We'll switch over to compressed natural gas. Obama will figure a way to keep ya'll warm..according to your need. Or, you could use ocean waves, or make friends with Hugo Chavez or what's his name in Iran .

Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell, EDS, Raytheon, Motorola, Intel, Austin Technology Centers Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, and other large health centers. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas State University , Rice, SMU, TCU, University of Houston , Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway.

We have a ready supply of workers (just open the border when we need some more). But, we won't have an illegal immigration problem. Former Texas Governor candidate Kinky Friedman solved that. He proposed we pay 5 Mexican Generals a million a year to control illegal immigration-folks coming /from Mexico to Texas / illegally. For every illegal that slips through, we deduct $10,000. Wonder how many will get across the border into Texas ? We won't need a Border Patrol.

We like tourism. Come stay a while. Enjoy a Cowboys game or go to Six Flags over Texas ..then go home. We don't need any more Californians coming here and messing things up. Or, they could live in Austin where we can keep an eye on 'em.

We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here is heavily armed and has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 6 hours if we need it. That's the Texas way. When the tower sniper started shooting in Austin a few years back, citizens piled out of their cars and pickups and started returning fire within 2 minutes. Our citizens are licensed to carry handguns on their person. We have a saying down here: "If you mess with the bull, you're gonna get the horns."

And an even more remarkable finding from the past..Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Bush: 0.1 of one percent. Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Gore: 13.2. In Texas , even some of our school teachers carry guns. We won't surrender our kids to nuts and terrorists without a fight. Don't even think about messing with us. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Texas DPS and ask them to send over a couple of Texas Rangers.

We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and vegetable produce and everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.

Arts? Bob Wills is still the king, but we also like different types of music, Country..and..Western. We even have our own beer. Lone Star, The National Beer of Texas . This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Just keep on reading David Werst's RealTexas Blog for more details on how to be a RealTexan.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, We'll sell you gas too. We'll call the gas company Texasco or something like that. Happy to do it. You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications or ask you to pay for the signal. It will be Texas Direct TV. Hank Jr. will move here and be in charge of programming. Did you know we don't even have an income tax? We have all we need here in God's country and like I've already said, if we don't have it, we don't need it. We will have cheap, plentiful energy. The new Texas Secretary of Energy, T. Boone Pickens will be putting up thousands of wind generators all over the west Texas plains and since everybody else thinks Texas is full of hot air, we might as well take advantage of it.

Good luck. Ya'll are gonna need it.
Signed, The People of Real Texas


If I sound ungrateful & bitchy today, it's because I AM

I am currently holed up in my home office-the only room in the house that doesn't have to be moved to the temporary house. My house is full of movers. I keep hearing the lone female mover going 'Oh, oops', which I know cannot be good. The front door is open. There are dust bunnies and dust dinosaurs floating all over the floors. I am pretty sure a bee just flew in the house; I can hear it beating itself angrily on the mirror in the hallway. My dogs are whining at the back door. I'm hungry and thirsty. I have a full fridge, but nothing to put food on or a drink in.

Last night was hell. Why can't these disasters be somewhat easy? I mean, why can't the actual disaster itself (the house flooding) be the only disaster in the entire situation?? That would be asking for too much, wouldn't it?

Our insurance company had us get 3 bids from moving companies. We get them, but they don't approve them until yesterday morning. So, I call the lowest bid, and they are booked for Friday (today). Called the 2nd company: Same situation. The third company said they had openings, and would have the crew call me to set up a time.

They never called.

I called them last night, was put on hold about 4,000 times, and then was told:
-"I don't know why they told you that one truck could move your house."
-"I won't have anyone available until 3pm."
-"It will take more than the 3 workers that we put on the bid, and it will cost more money than was on the bid."

So, you are coming later in the day, you are charging me more money, and you are telling me it is going to take longer to do it? And I should be happy about this, WHY??
The restoration company that brought the fans and dehumidifiers ended up packing us. I came home last night to everything packed up. You might be thinking, Oh what a blessing that is. Lucky you, Danielle. But I'm thinking 'What the hell are any of us going to wear tomorrow?'
Clothes, deodorant, toothbrush, alarm clocks, pull-ups for my girl???? All packed. Make-up remover, lotion, make-up, toilet paper? All packed.

Moving for a 3 year old is a bit traumatic, understandably. After all the fans and dehumidifiers, she was dealing with all of her stuff in boxes last night. Trying to explain to her that we will unpack it all for her this weekend is not really cutting it. She cried for a good 15 minutes last night because they packed all her blankets, dear God. So her father found the box with the blankets, and she was happy as a lark...for 2 seconds. Then she cried because she wanted to sleep with us. Then she cried because we had no blankets (or sheets) on our bed.

Shoot me. Shoot me now.
The phone woke me up early this morning. The moving company is now coming at 10am. Thank you.
So, here we are.
Hubby is at work, and is leaving in a couple of hours to go hunting all weekend. Which leaves me...???? Unpacking on my own. OH, and consoling the 3 year old who is all jacked up because she loves this house and doesn't want to leave her pink room. OH, and trying to find the box that contains my school bag and books, because imagine that: I have two papers due next Wednesday.
No Internet in the temporary house. No way to watch TV. Nada.

My brother came back from Boston almost 2 weeks ago, and now he's leaving for Florida on Monday. Today he is driving down to San Marcos, where he was living before he moved in with me, to visit with friends. He just called me complaining that he was going to have to unpack his boxes to get clothes to take to San Marcos, and then oh, woe is me, he will be back Sunday night, and will have to hurry and pack to fly out to Florida Monday morning. And dear God, where did they pack his shampoo & body wash, and where the hell is he going to shower, and etc.???? And he asked me if they 'just threw' his shoes in a box (he's got this crazy almost-girl-like fetish with his shoes), and I informed him that I was not watching them pack his room, and for the love of Pete, at least they packed your room up for you, free of charge.

Really, sometimes I just hate life. Sometimes, I just want to be a kid again, and let everyone else worry about all the behind-the-scenes shit, so all I have to worry about is what someone else is buying me for dinner, and what sheets they will use when they make my bed.

Days like this, I really wish I could teleport myself to some secluded island about 400,000 miles away, with some good books, a nice hammock, and a large, sexy man to serve me endless drinks and pastries, and lather my body with sunscreen.


Making the outside match the inside

So, tell me, what do you think of my gorgeous new banner??? I realize it is not as cute as hers (seriously, look at those cute little feets!?!), but I am a bit partial to it.

If you like it, and you want a custom banner of your own, check out The Pixel Cafe on Etsy and Stacey will start working on whatever you want in about 2.5 seconds. Seriously, she is fast, and must be able to read minds, because she gave me exactly what I wanted!


In other news, I still haven't moved out of my house. One day we are going for a condo; the next it is a house; the next it is an apartment. Today we are moving into a house in our neighborhood. But I'm not holding my breath, since another builder originally offered the empty house right next door to us, and then it fell through. I'm thinking living in my garage for the next 3-4 months might be a real adventure.


Also, since I am my own worst enemy, and I always tell on myself:

Remember this post? Anyone notice anything? Anyone?

Yeah, I forgot the S. But I went back to Sensibly Sassy's post, and she's missing the S too!! So I am not as much of a dumb butt as I thought!

Sooooo, yeah.
That's all I got today.



My eyes are thrown open. With my heart beating erratically, I feel the sheet wrapped around my legs, and I notice my arm asleep under my head. I glance at the alarm clock on my nightstand-- 2:53 am. Biting the inside of my lip, I realize I've been holding my breath. I let it out slowly, quietly-I do not want to wake up my husband. Although, I realize rather quickly, that probably isn't something I need to be concerned about-he is snoring, so I know he is off in his own little world, far away from me and my dreams.
Remembering that he can sleep through anything, I sit up in bed, kick the sheet off, and basically hyperventilate. I push my hand on my chest; I am trying to hold my heart in my body. It is beating so wild, I am afraid that someday it will truly break out of my chest.

I have always had vivid dreams. I can honestly say that I can remember waking from a dream when I was 7. I still remember that dream. I still remember the feeling of my heart in my chest, and the weightlessness of the dream.

My dreams intrigue me. They are artistic, original, and I often wake up thinking, 'Where the hell did that come from?' I write some of them down, because I truly believe that the novel that I hope to publish is being composed while I sleep.

But my dreams also scare me. For years, I have dreamt of animals chasing me. Alligators, tigers, lions, snakes. These dreams always preceded an episode with my heart. I caught on soon enough, and when I woke from one of these nightmares, I would know to watch my activity for the next day or so, to watch my heartrate. I would spend hours out of the day focusing on the thump-thomp of my heart, counting each beat, praying that it wouldn't happen again. But it always did. So, those dreams were annoying in sleep, but painful in the awakening.

I have dreams of places I have never been in real life. Over and over. I visit several places in my dreams, year after year. I wonder if I will go to these places some day. Just last week, while driving between Granbury and Weatherford, on a road I have never been on, I passed 5 or 6 houses, and got the most awful feeling of deja vu. I had a dream almost a year ago-I was trying to hide from some very scary guys, and I was trying to get my girl up into the attic of this house. I remember the layout of the house, the yard, and the surrounding area. When I passed those houses, I knew these were the houses from my dream. It was so odd, so surreal.

I have recurring dreams about certain people. Year after year. It's a different variation of the same dream. When I wake up, I know I need to call or email the person, just to check on them. If I am not in touch with them anymore, I pray for them. A wise friend of mine told me that oftentimes, He puts dreams in our heads of a person who is going through something, and needs our thoughts and prayers. So I pray.

However, I would have to say the worst dreams I have are those about people that are no longer in my life. Lost loves. People that I let slip away. Or people I slipped away from on my own. These are the most heartbreaking for me. These are the dreams I wake from with the sheet wrapped around my legs, and I find that I cannot breathe.

Once I catch my breath, my mind races. Why am I dreaming about him? What the hell does that mean? Where the hell is he? Why the f* is he in my head??

Inevitably, I get angry. After all these years, my heart and mind still betray me. They let him in at my weakest, when my back is turned. I am resting, preparing for another day. And once he's been let in, it is days before my heart and mind let him go. He gets caught in the memories I have of us. He dusts off spaces in my heart that have not been touched in years. He gets comfortable- with every song I hear that has a memory of 'us' attached to it, with every book I see that we talked about, every place we visited, with every spot on my body that his lips touched. I cannot free myself of him. It is maddening.

I know that I no longer love him. I haven't for years. All these memories? It's like I read them in a book; it doesn't even feel like it was me who made those memories. It's like it never really happened. I can go weeks, months, seasons, without thinking of him. But then the dreams hit me, smack the shit out of me while I'm sleeping next to the actual man that I love, the wonderful man that I married.

My brain is assaulted with things I have not thought of in so long. Memories that are so close to my heart. Things that strike a nerve, a nerve well-healed and protected.
I am forced to think of what he is doing now. Who he married. Where he lives. Who he chose over me. What he chose over me.
I am forced to replay in my head the times he made me laugh, the times he made me cry, the things I said, did, and gave up for him.
I am forced to wish that I could, for just one minute, get back the me I was back then. The me that was much more laidback, free-flowing, intimate, sensitive, and full.

Sometimes I cry. But very rarely. Mostly I get all nostalgic, but with clenched fists.

It has taken me years to realize that it is not the person that I miss or love when I wake up from these dreams. It is not his arms, his lips, the whisper of his voice in the dark. It is not even the things that he showed me, taught me, shared with me. It is:

The feeling of total love and adoration by another person.
The feeling of being accepted no matter what.
The feeling of being in love.

It is my feelings that I miss. My feelings that are attached to my memories of him. It is not him. He may have showed me how to be patient. He may have showed me that in a moment of weakness, you can lay it all on the line, and still be strong. He may have touched my heart, touched my life. He may have branded my soul with things he said. But it is not him that I miss. It is my feelings.

Does this mean that I don't have feelings now? Or that I don't love my husband, my life, the feelings I have now? No, I don't think so. I would not trade my life for anything. By doing so, I would be negating the blessing that is my daughter. But I would be lying if I said that I don't lie awake after these dreams, wondering what might have been if I had chosen another path, if I hadn't returned that phone call, if I had forgiven him one more time. Who then, would I be dreaming of?


ABC's of Me

I totally stole this from Sarah over at Sensibly Sassy. I love this girl! I think we could be really good friends, and her insight blows me away. Anyway, here goes:

A - Age: 30

B - Band listening to right now: Blue October. I know, I know, I listen to them all the time. But I love them!!!

C - Career future: Near future-getting my master's in Social Work, and I'm getting interested in maybe working in the criminal justice area of social work. Or the courts. Or in a hospital. Or with the elderly. Or...you get my point. I am so freakin' excited about the prospects! Long term: I will be opening a transitional living center for teen boys aging out of the foster care system.

D - Dad’s name: James

E - Easiest person to talk to: Kristy or Jill or my mom

F - Favorite type of shoe: sexy shoes that don't make me look shorter than I already am! Like these!

G – Grapes or Grapefruit: Grapes! I do not like grapefruit at all!

H – Hometown: Wantagh, New York, but also: lived in Fort Worth, Texas since I was seven

I – Instrumental talent: Clarinet My great-grandfather taught me

J – Juice of choice: OMG. Definitely orange peach

K – Koala Bear or Panda Bear: Panda

L - Longest car ride ever: Driving from Long Island to Fort Worth, Texas when we moved here.

M – Middle name: Lee

N - Number of jobs you’ve had: Seriously? You want me to count them? I think I'm on my 12th job. Most were restaurant jobs from the time I was 12 until I graduated from college.

O- OCD traits: I hate for my shoes (or anyone else's) to be lying all over the house.

P - Phobia[s]: Falling, like if I were to sky-dive. Makes my heart bounce all over the place just thinking about it!

Q - Quote: To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world.

R - Reason to smile: My daughter is silly, just like me. My husband is a sweetheart under all that armour. My brother lives with me. OBAMA WON.

T - Time you wake up: 7:30 on weekdays, 8:30 on weekends

U - Unknown fact about me: I had heart surgery in 2003.

V - Vegetable you hate: I like them all.

W - Worst habit: leaving dishes in the sink

X - X-rays you’ve had: teeth, back, neck, chest (over and over and over-See Letter 'U')

Y - Yummiest food my belly likes: Italian!

Z - Zodiac sign: Pisces

Feel free to steal this from me & tell us a little bit more about yourself. :0)

Happy Friday!


Where I go off on my radical-thinking adjunct professor (and mean no disrespect!)

I have a professor this semester that really gets my blood flowing at times, and not in a good way. The class is Human Behavior. So yeah, I get that everyone is different, and I'm pretty accepting (hello-I'm a social worker for crying out loud!!!), but this? A bit overboard for me.
I'd like to think that it has to do with the time of day. I am at my most tired between 3 and 4pm each day. I just sorta fall off the energy cliff, and crash. Hard. So maybe my patience wears thin during that time? OR maybe she is just batshit crazy. Take your pick.

First, several weeks ago, she showed us this movie. Or click on the link to the guestbook, and read some of those entries. Navigate your normal ass through that website. I'll wait.

Yeah. So? What did you think? Sorta Scientology sounding, huh? Okay, really, if you have absolutely nothing to do on a Friday night, try to rent this movie. I don't even know if that's possible, but I'm telling you, your head will explode.

Now, I'm not knocking Scientology, or quantum physics, or different religions or ways of thinking. I'm just trying to figure out why the frick she made us watch this???

She had us watch a video of women giving birth. I have a kid, I know what happens, and it doesn't bother me. Yet, she wanted us to see these women having abnormally large babies, who just so happened to get stuck while coming out. And the doctors are literally twisting these newborns' necks around, and yanking on their heads!! And her point? During birth, babies necks and spines go through a lot of trauma, so you should go get your baby an adjustment from your friendly chiropractor after birth.

Next up:
This one really touched a nerve. WE need to think positive thoughts, put positive thoughts out in the universe. If not, we run the risk of awful consequences, like cancer, for instance. I mean, her mother died of cancer, and she knows that it was her mother's anger eating away at her, her negative thoughts, that caused the cancer to finally overtake her.


Oh, wait. It gets better.

This week:
She says that she thinks that people who are diagnosed with Alzheimer's are just making the conscious decision to 'check out' of reality because they don't enjoy getting old. When several people argued this with her, she backpedaled, saying it was 'just one theory' and 'not necessarily what she believed'. Although, by now, well over 2 months into this class, we all know it IS what she believes.

Also this week:
We were discussing various stages of live-adolescence, adulthood, later adulthood, etc. She brings up incontinence as an issue for older people. Then she proceeds to DRAW A PICTURE OF THE FEMALE ANATOMY on the board, and tells us, step by step, how to do Kegel exercises so that we can strengthen those muscles. She even asks if any of us do them regularly.

Oh. Wait! Just wait.

Lastly, she starts discussing Viagra, and the growing numbers of prescriptions for it. She asks us if it's because men want to feel that strength and power that comes along with an erection.

No. Really. REALLY.

I'm telling you, I am tolerant, I am patient, I am easy going. But I just do not get why the frick she talks about this shit, every week, like we are in health class, or development, or...I just don't even know!!!!! I am paying good money for this class, and it's just become a lesson in patience. I'll show you human behavior, lady! Sheesh.

Rant over.


My little fairy

October pictures, for your viewing pleasure.

That's my sister with my girl & the lovely couple.

She's doing the 'Arrrg! I'm a pirate!' face

Yes, my kid is the one that wears her dress-up outside!


The President!, the dress, the haircut, the gift to myself, the fiasco of 2008

First off, can I just say SQUEEEEEE! I am estatic about the election of Barack Obama. Regardless of whether you consider yourself a Republican or Democrat, you have to at least see that history has been made in this country, due to this election. It is fantastic. I am proud, excited, shocked, numb, and so very hopeful.
Would I have been all of those things if McCain won? Yes. Because I feel that both candidates had a wealth of information and experience to offer to our country. But I am more proud, more excited, more hopeful with Obama. This is history in the making. I don't even know what else to say!


Alright, I promised a picture of the coveted dress. I give you fair warning, I am all boobs, I swear. It is so damn annoying! My hubby says I look all scrunched up and frilly. Whatev.

I promise I'll post better pictures of this, after I'm done dealing with the house fiasco.

And lucky you, you get to see my haircut (which is now about 6 weeks old!) in the picture.

Next: The gorgeous bracelet I wore around the store for a good 45 minutes before I bought it. Again, my hubby says I am frilly. I am sure someone thinks it's gaudy, but I love it!

I am now calling this debacle with my house the Fiasco of 2008. They are going to have to gut my entire kitchen. The kitchen that is in the very center of my house. The kitchen that is all wood floors. And with the holidays coming up, along with the extent of the damage, they are saying it will be a good 2 months before it's done. And, it's bad enough that we have to move out. Soooooooo.....we will be moving all of our major things to a house that we are going to rent about 5 minutes from here. I was hoping for an apartment or condo or something, but this seems to be the best option for the time being. Soooooo, yeah.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and support! We will make it through this, I am sure. I am thinking of it as a random adventure, so maybe that's why I am relatively okay with it all? I don't know. I am so thankful that we have good homeowner's insurance, and a good relationship with builders in the area, who are willing to open up their empty homes to us.

Anyone want to take a guess on just when I will be back in my house?? I'm taking a guess and going with January 18th, 2009. Maybe I should have some sort of silly contest?


Why this Monday sucked more than any other Monday EVER

Well, if you have been sucked in by Twitter like I have, you saw my Twits/Tweets all day. If not, here it is in a nutshell:

Came home from the deer lease yesterday afternoon. Garage floor full of water. Thought maybe, just maybe it was our old fridge out in the garage, that tends to piss on the floor every once in awhile, although I had the thought that the fridge did more than piss. Anyway, then I go inside, and sit down on my girl's bedroom floor. It didn't feel wet, but when I sat on it, my pants started to get wet. Odd.

Then, later, I open the fridge and it is full of water. About an inch in each of the drawers, on all the shelves, and all in the bottom. WTF? Super odd.

Then I go into my closet, which is on the other side of the wall where my fridge is, and the carpet is soaking wet. By this time, I think I must be off my f-ing rocker. What the hell is going on here?

I take a closer look at all the walls, baseboards, and door frames. Lots of bubbling paint, lots of baseboards pulling away from the walls. Hard to explain, but if you are looking down on my house, the garage is in the lower left-hand corner, master bedroom in upper left, kitchen & dining basically in the middle of the house, living room in upper right, and other bedrooms and bathroom in lower right. The living room is not wet at all. The very front bedroom is not wet. It's just really odd.

I had to cancel going to a friend's pizza party at her home, which upset me and my girl. We were sooo looking forward to it. I spent an hour cleaning up the inside of the fridge. That's when the wood floor (which makes up most of my house) started to buckle and curl. My husband came home; we checked the water meter, checked the fire sprinkler system, check the AC, the water heating system, the washer, etc.

This morning the plumber and home builder came over. At the same time, I opened my fridge. Guess what? It was full of water again!!! And overnight, more of the floor started to buckle, and my bedroom carpet became pretty damn wet. It was getting worse.

(By the way, just a little sidenote: my house is just at one year old!!!)

Here's what we know for sure: our damn fridge has a leak in a valve. It leaks about every 10 seconds, and it's near the back of the fridge. The water never pooled; it looks like it just seeped into the wood floor. It is nothing we did wrong, nor the builder or plumber. So far, this fricking fridge has caused all this.

The restoration company came this evening. We have 4 de-humidifiers. We have over 20 industrial fans blowing. They did testing on all the walls, floors, and baseboards. They put tape where the water damage is. It's unreal. We are talking 18 inches up the sheetrock in the living room. 2 foot in the dining room. They pulled the entire pad up under the carpet in my bedroom, my closet, and my girl's room. My house sounds like the f-ing Windy City.

Depending on how much of the floor needs to be replaced, they may very well have to rip out our kitchen cabinets, since they were built on top of the floor. They are already splitting at the bottom anyway.

The insurance guy comes tomorrow. We have a friend who is a homebuilder, and actually built some of the homes in our neighborhood. We are probably going to rent a home from him, while everything is being fixed. We are being told it will probably take about 2 months, not counting the time off during the holidays. Lovely. F-ing lovely.

Tonight we are debating on sleeping in this wind storm of a house, or going to a hotel. Tonight I sit on my couch drinking a bottle of wine (yes, I said bottle). Tomorrow we debate putting our shit in a POD and moving to an apartment, or walking our shit down the street and renting another house while this gets fixed.

So, tell me, how was your Monday??


A-hunting we will go

My girl and I are off to the deer lease this morning. I am sorta tired of neither one of us seeing my hubby all weekend, every weekend. So, off to the deer lease. Weeeee!
Actually, I think it will be fun. He has a really nice camper, and somehow he and his friend rigged the satellite up, so we actually get to watch fun TV! (We will totally be watching the Texas v. Texas Tech game tonight! I don't really care who wins; I love both schools.) I'm bringing a book, lots of snacks, and toys for my girl. The only downside? My hubby said he killed a copperhead last night, right around the corner from the camper. Ick. Don't get me started on the snack stories from when I lived in Springtown! I'm telling you, that place taught me a lot about the crazy-ass creatures we've got hanging around!

I will post pics of my fairy princess on Sunday. Oh, and the lovely, gorgeous dress that I sooooo bought on Friday!