When words fail

I am good with words. I always have been, even when I wasn't aware of it. Most of the time I can describe how I feel, even when it seems impossible to do so. I had a Hello Kitty diary at age 7, and a journal for writing poems by age 8. Give me a pen or pencil, and I could put down on paper what was going on in my head or heart.

But these days, I am at a loss. I don't know where to begin. Or what to write. I'm full of emotions, words, feelings, questions, statements, aches.....

I'm taking a journey I never thought I would. And honestly? I'm scared. Not because I don't think I will be okay, but because I just don't know what is around the bend.

I make it through my days. I stay up late, avoiding sleep, but at the same time yearning for it. It is when I am finally lying beneath my sheets that I feel the rawness of my life the last 9 months or so. I ache. I am exhausted. I can't even cry anymore. I can't even pray most nights. There's a hum coursing through my body. My life is shattered in pieces, scattered carelessly on the floor. Tossed away.

So. The beginning?

I'm getting divorced.

I'm actually not sure if that is the beginning or the end. It just *is*.

I will write about it. I will stumble over my words, struggle with my emotions, and try to find some peace in my life. I will sound like I have it all together. I will sound like I'm falling apart. I will be happy, relieved, content. I will be frightened, angry, crushed. I will be temperamental, depressed, yet confident.

I will continue to be a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I will pick up these pieces scattered on the floor, and rebuild myself: stronger, happier, more confident, at peace. I will continue to hope, continue to pray, continue to wish for a fantastic life, a beautiful love, a kind, gentle, & like-minded partner, and more babies. 

I will not give up.   

UNSILENCED

Today is Violence Unsilenced 1 year anniversary. Please go check out the fantastic video @Maggiedammit put together. She is pretty damn fantastic herself, let me tell ya.

Go support the website, the survivors, Maggie, and those that have yet to speak, who are too scared to speak.

I spoke out, and so can you.

Every voice counts.

Today, my Spring semester begins. Today, I begin a journey in an internship that is sure to be much more successful than my last one. I will be interning at a facility on 27 acres in South Dallas, where they have residential community care, alzheimer's care, dementia care, rehab, hospice services, and independent living for the aging. I am extremely excited, as I have never worked with this population; I always worked with children and families, with lots of other populations mixed in for good measure. I will spend several weeks in each program, learning about assessment and other social work-y things. I am looking forward to the things I will learn, the people I will meet, the relationships that will be formed. I imagine I will have a ton of stories; I cannot wait.

I'm also taking an aging class, a class on Violence in Families, and doing an independent study on juvenile sex offenders. I promise there is a post to come about that, as it's a matter close to my heart, although the phrase turns people off.

The downside to this day is that I will be absent more, from this blog, from Twitter, from your blogs, from your every day lives. I've got a shit-ton of posts saved up, so hopefully I won't lose what few readers I have. I hope they last until at least Spring Break, when I can stock up on more posts.

Until then, if you need me, you know where to find me (alittleleftoflost@gmail.com)!

Where do we go from here?

I am so thoroughly frustrated with this situation. Just to rehash, for those of you that don't click on links (shame on you! (not really)):
Susan Baker is a nut. Two decades ago she said her step-son was stolen from her home while she was napping. He was 3 years old. A massive hunt ensued, but he was never found. Somehow, she wasn't charged, which I totally get, since there may or may not have been evidence pointing her to the crime. She was charged w/ 10 years for the beating of a 6 year old girl in her home, around this same time. Her 10 year sentence was suspended, and she served about 80 days in prison. 80 days.
Flash-forward to now. This crazy bitch hid a 7 month old baby under her bed for five days. Go back and read that sentence again. And again. And again.
Read that sentence as many times as it takes you to place your child's face on that 7 month old. Feel the fear, the rage, the helplessness, the terror. And not just of the mother, but of the 7 month old.
They are saying they are going to charge the mother of the child as well. I'm not sure how this is going to play out at this point. Did the mother want to pretend that her child was gone for the attention? Or did she really want to be rid of her baby girl? And let's not forget that Susan Baker has been calling CPS since the baby was born, complaining that the parents did drugs in front of the child, which CPS did say occurred, but CPS did not feel that the baby was at risk for serious injury. I'm not sure how all of this plays into the scenerio. But what I do know is this:
Something has got to change.
How many more children have to go missing? How many more children have to be found, dead, in city dumps, in boxes floating in the sea, under houses, buried in lonely places not far from home?
I can't even understand how someone felt that her 3 year old step-son's life was not valuable enough to put Susan away for a LONG time. I can't understand how someone believed the 6 year old girl's life wasn't valuable enough to put Susan away for a LONG time.
As many of you know, I worked for CPS for 6 years. I saw a lot. And I loved my job, as much as I hated the awful stuff the children dealt with. I always hoped I was making a difference.
Now I am in grad school, and I am pulled in several directions: who do I want to help? Where am I needed the most? Where can I do the most good? Do I need to go into politics? Do I need to pound on Austin's doors until stiffer laws are made? Where will I be happy and satisfied?
I go to CNN's crime page often. I have done research papers on the laws surrounding child abuse, abductions, and deaths. I find hope in this life, but not when I see all of this stuff, all the time. Sometimes, I admit, I avoid it. I avoid it because I think maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Love will not prevail. Maybe some people should not be forgiven. Maybe I don't have as much faith in humanity as I used to.
I have to believe that someone out there feels like me. That there are thousands and thousands of people out there that feel this way, that are moved to action, that will stand up for these children, that will not watch a child be abused or raped and STAY SILENT, that will scream from the rooftops to the halls of Congress that "Children's lives are of value to us". 
And sure, this stuff causes me to hold my child closer, snuggle her a little longer, watch those around me more closely, and question the random childless person at the playground. Sure, I will do what it takes to keep my baby safe. 
But what about all these other babies? Babies that have parents who don't feel like I do? Babies who have parents fucked up on drugs, or too selfish to give a shit about anyone, or one parent who is busting his/her ass to provide, but just can't keep watch all.the.time??? 

Where do we go from here? 

If ever I wanted to 'get away', now would be the time. I think.

So, if you saw my tweets yesterday, my hubby hurt his back Wednesday night. We spent the night discussing how we were getting him to the hospital (after we discussed ACTUALLY GETTING HIM TO GO to the hospital). Then we fell asleep. Then I woke up to him on the floor, because he tried to get up and realized he couldn't walk. Anyway, so we spent yesterday morning in the hospital and came home with some strong-ass drugs. Making a doctor appt. for next week, to give his back time to RELAX. A strained or torn muscle in his lower back, due to being superman and taking our brand-new elliptical machine out of the back of his lifted truck BY HIMSELF. *grits teeth*
He doesn't like being out of control, or needing to ask for help. But I have to say I am proud of him. For the most part, he was okay with my doing everything for him, he was sweet, and we got into a little groove yesterday, and I felt like I could do this if I had to, ya know? But then he started telling me he was going to drive his ass to work today and move the elliptical machine into the house and maybe a handjob would make him feel better?, and then I was just done with him.

Because of said hubby- injury, I didn't go to Shauna's book-signing last night, and it made me sad.


And then I discovered that a large portion of my paperwork from my internship was on the zip drive that no longer works, and I was supposed to email it to my prof by today, so now I'm having to re-do some of it, and that does not make me happy at all.


And then we realized our TV won't turn on. Actually, we realized this on Wednesday, but that's not the point. The point is that I was hoping it would just miraculously fix itself while we were at the hospital. But it didn't. It won't turn on. Yet the light is on, so I know it has power going to it. What the hell? So, unless we get someone out to look at it TODAY, we will all be sitting on my bed watching TV tonight and Sunday night. Lovely. I don't like sleeping on crumbs, because TV and food go hand-in-hand in my house.

And then my Daisy's eye infection didn't miraculously fix itself. So we are going to the vet today. Seriously, she is the most.expensive.dog.ever. And while I'm on the subject of canines, I found out last night that we should be getting a phone call SOON, for a home visit, which is the next step in this adopting-a-boxer process. As I folded laundry last night, it occurred to me, that by this time next month, I could have another dog in my house. And it sorta freaked me out a bit. Not that I don't want another dog (because I really, really do), but because....well, maybe it would really really make me realize that my Kooter dog won't ever be back. Sigh. After 7 months, I still feel awful when I think of him, so filled with guilt & loneliness.

And then I rented my textbooks for this semester, and the total was 450 bucks. Seriously? Jeez.

And then I got on the scale last night. Am I a glutton, or what? Apparently I am, according to the scale. I just stood there and said 'fuck' a few times. I'm seriously considering using my elliptical machine in it's current location (in the garage) in spite of our 100 degree days around here. More sweat=more calories burned, right? RIGHT?

And then I realized that my time off from school ends on the 24th. Seriously? This has been the shortest summer ever.

And then I looked at my not-updated resume and did a few searches for jobs, and I wanted to cry. Just thinking about how I'm going to work all of this out makes me get all panicky & frazzled. Lovely.

And I'm not even going to mention (more than I already did on Twitter) the incident involving a wet fart & my favorite undies.

And then I realized it's Friday and squeee! Not that I have a thing planned, other than caring for my hubby & going batshit crazy from my 4 year old's non-stop bossiness, but whew, the weekend just sounds lovely in theory, doesn't it?

So, tell me what you have going on, so I can SERIOUSLY stop thinking about my shit.

Changes are acoming

Change is difficult. It is frustrating, scary, and sometimes exhilarating, depending on the circumstances. I consider myself a flexible, 'go with the flow' type of girl, for the most part. Of course, I like some of my life to be routine (like the 4 year old's bedtime, for instance, or my showers), but I usually welcome change. It means, to me, that there's another layer to life, that the twists and turns are making me a bit more complex and human.



I've got some good changes going on, that I want to share:

1.I'm starting my 2nd year of grad school in 2 weeks. Am excited, but give me a few weeks, and I'll be a ball of nerves again. Am getting worried about how this all is gonna work out (see below), and worry that I won't get this done in the 3 years alloted to me.

2.We bought an elliptical machine, and I am SO getting my ass on it for an hour, 5 days a week, for the next 30 days, and I'm going to keep track of my measurements. I will post later this week, maybe. Hmmmm. Of course, we will have to figure out how to get the damn thing in the house, since hubby hurt his back trying to do it himself.

3.We are in the process of adopting a dog. My Daisy can't go on this way for much longer. She is so very down and lonely, and also? We miss having 2 dogs in our lives too. My girl still cries for my Kooter dog, and I still ache for him at random times (like when I watch sad movies and bust out crying-he always consoled me). I will most definitely be one of those ladies when I get older-the one with 7 dogs-and I will be in absolute bliss. The adoption process is pretty annoying; I think it might be a tad easier to adopt a baby, but we are going through the motions, and I hope, hope, *HOPE* to have good news soon. A couple of you have seen the pictures of the specific doggie we are gunning for. I am trying to keep that information off of here until it's official, for the simple fact that I feel like I will jinx myself if I tell you his name and let you see his sweet face. But for now, let me just say that when I read his profile, I started to choke up, and his eyes made me think of my Kooter dog, and I just knew he was the one I wanted to bring home. So. We will see.

4.This last one, I'm flipping out a little bit. I mean, seriously. My stress level has gone up about 5000% percent, and I've thought a lot about whether I really want to post about it or not. Not because I don't want to share with you, but because I'm feeling a little superstitious and I really don't want to jinx anything, or upset anyone.

We all know the economy is batshit crazy right now. My hubby owns his own company, and it's in the construction industry. Things have slowed down. He's laid people off. We've downsized as much as we can, and he is considering moving the office/shop to another cheaper building. The stress of waiting for the phone to ring, with someone on the other end telling him he was awarded another job...it's brutal. The waiting really is the worst part, isn't it?

Anyway, I'm not sure how much worse it's gonna get. But at this very moment, it is bad enough that I am looking for another job, one that will HOPEFULLY provide benefits, and give us some stable income. Not sure how this is going to impact my school schedule, or my 2nd internship that I should be doing in the Spring, or my time with my girl, or my time to see friends, or my time to read, write, blog....I have no f-ing idea what is going to happen right now, and for once, I am really nervous. I think part of the panic is because the media really gives us both ends of the spectrum in terms of the economy (it's 'gonna get worse' or 'it's hit the up-turn'), and normally I try to ignore the back and forth shit that the media feeds us...I try not to feed into the hysteria, but I gotta be honest, interwebs, I am freaking the fuck out over here.

My hubby has put in 4 and a half years of hard-ass work...long ass hours, nights where he didn't come home at all...my girl spent a ton of fucking time without her Daddy, because he was busting his ass to make this work. I spent a large portion of my pregnancy alone, in the middle of 23 fucking acres. I spent a large portion of my girl's newborn months alone, because he was busting his ass. And he has been so damn successful; I am incredibly proud of him. He is such a hard worker, he is so amazingly smart when it comes to being successful. And although all the time away from us has sucked, it was worth it. Which is why I am freaking the fuck out right now. I don't want all that to be wasted. I don't want him to have to compromise his work, his ethic, his success, to make ends meet. Also? I see the stress in his face, and I hate it for him. I worry about him so much....I wake up in the middle of the night to find him wide awake. My husband, the one that falls asleep anywhere, even behind the wheel. I'm trying to be easy going, happy go lucky, laid back, for his sake, but omg, people, I'm freaking out. I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror and I think "Holy shit-I don't look like someone who has her shit together right now". And I guess I don't.

My final fear associated with all of this, and really at the bottom of the list, is my depression. I haven't yet talked about that here, not really. But it runs in my family, and quite simply, I've been struggling on and off with it since I gave birth 4 years ago. I find myself being irritated, short-fused, annoyed, tired, achy, hopeless, etc. more often lately, and I don't know if it is all just associated with the stress of my life right now, or if it's the depression creeping back in. Sorta hard to sort out. Plus, I'm so tired, who even has the patience or energy to TRY to sort it out?!

I'm in deep over here. I don't like to write woe-is-me posts. I don't like to whine or complain when I know things could be much much worse. I don't like people to think I'm looking for sympathy. I also don't know how to end posts like this, so...yeah.

I'm not just another pretty face

Sometimes I get so incredibly frustrated with people who think I am naive, or too liberal, or a bleeding heart. I get sick of hearing that I am a tree-hugger, or 'too far to the left'. I cringe when people call him 'your president'. Not because I don't consider him mine, but because of all the things they are implying by saying that. I can totally rock my Obama T-shirt, and I don't give a flying fuck who thinks I'm dumb, or too far left for voting for him.
I am to the point that I feel like I am being attacked when someone approaches me with the topic of Obama, the state of the economy, why I am getting my f-ing master's degree in social work, why 'your' President is 'taking away our right to buy ammunition and assault rifles (an aside here: Why the fuck do we need assault rifles? I understand military, SWAT, police dept., etc., but every day citizens? WTF for????), why I am liberal.....no matter how many deep breaths I take, no matter how educated I am, I still end up frazzled, frustrated, and usually in tears (but not in front of said jack-asses).
I know the facts. I strongly believe in some things, and you telling me that Obama is going to turn us into a 'welfare state' will not change my mind. Knocking me for my beliefs and convictions will not make me drop them and pick up yours. Rolling your eyes at my strong-felt conviction that we should be helping each other does not make me change my mind, nor does it make me respect you.
I am not just another pretty face; I am educated. Don't call me a bleeding heart, or a sucker, or a stupid girl. Don't say I am too sensitive (although I am), too forgiving (I am), or too giving for my own good. I don't just 'feel' these things; I do research. I educate myself on things that are important to me, whether it be same-sex marriages, stem-cell research, or abortion. Universal healthcare. Rehabilitation of offenders. The homeless population. Domestic violence. Sexual abuse. I don't carry the weight of these issues without knowing what I'm fighting for.

I do believe in abortion. Not as a form of birth control, but in situations where children are being raped, women are being raped, fetuses are growing with no brain (if that's what the mother wants).
I do believe that we should be actively teaching our children birth control options. I don't think it makes them want to have sex any more than the steady stream of hormones already going through their veins.
I do think we need to provide universal healthcare. There are ways of going about it; we can look at Canada's model and pick and choose what works for our country. I don't expect it to be perfect; things like this take years. I don't believe it will turn us into a socialist country. I do cringe at the thought of how many people forgo medical treatment and medication because it's that or food on the table. I've seen it happen so many times in my own family, and we aren't talking working poor, poor, or homeless. We are talking $40,000/year families, who can't afford to take care of their health.
I do think there is a cure out there for something (hopefully, lots of somethings) that is ailing humans, and I think stem-cell research may just be the key. I don't think it has to be pushed on everyone; I do, however, think we deserve the choice.
I do not have an issue with same-sex marriages. I don't see how anyone can even justify their disgust of this issue with the statement 'Their marriage is a danger to my moral marriage'. I realize people and religions translate the meaning of the Bible differently. I realize some are just disgusted with it. But I cannot deny the love that people have for one another, nor the rights they deserve to have. How can I say a woman can't be on her partner's health insurance just because they are both women? How can I deny them the right to marry, or adopt??
I do believe that each race deserves respect. I am color blind. I do think racism still goes on; I am not so naive to believe that it will ever disappear. I just refuse to teach it to my children.
I do believe that there are solutions to homelessness, hunger, abuse. I think we just need to think outside of the box. I think we need to care a little more about what the hell is going on in our own neighborhoods.
I do believe that our prisons are a mess. I know that most of them are criminals; they committed a crime, and they need to do the time. However, I do not think that our prison system even attempts rehabilitation. We store them; we lock them up. We expect them to get out and be normal law-abiding citizens. I do think that we are doing more harm than good. I don't want a sociopath who says he would kill again to live next door to me; that is not what I am saying. What I am saying is this: How in the world can we expect these men (and women!) to 'grow' or 'change' into law-abiding citizens when we don't give them the tools to do so?! What our prisons give them are the tools to continue fighting, hurting, breaking the law, doing what it takes to get by. I am not saying make it easy; I am saying make it workable. I am saying provide them with decent food. I am saying provide them with a real opportunity to see medical professionals (because, people, let me tell you, it's not happening; they are not receiving better healthcare on the 'inside'). I am saying give all of them the chance to read, write, seek therapy, etc. I am not saying give them DirecTV, internet, a library card, full access to your bank account, and a map out of the f-ing jail.
On a related note, I do not think sex offenders deserve more than one chance. I don't think rehabilitation should be trusted. I don't think we should waste any money to allow them to appeal, or keep them alive on death row. See? Look at that-a conservative point of view in all my tree-hugging satanic thoughts. I think we should just make it law that you get convicted of sexual assualt of a child, you get the death penalty. No appeals. Conservative? Hmmm. GASP.
I do believe we need to look at solar energy, wind energy, water energy. I do believe we depend too much on foreign oil. I do think we need to get our own damn energy and oil supplies. We do need to support the research of new ideas, innovations to make our time on this planet last as long as possible.
I do not like the fact that AIG is paying bonuses. I do think the government should make them give it back. Does that mean I believe in 'big government'? No, not necessarily.
Am I tree-hugger? Well, yes, in a way. Not in the literal sense of the word (although I did hug my magnolia tree when it bloomed for the first time). Am I liberal? Yes. Am I a socialist? No. Do I believe in 'big government'? Yes and no.

I am not telling you these things to change your mind, or belittle you for your convictions. I am simply stating my convictions. I am still a caring, loving, dependable, and loyal friend. I am a hard worker. I am a good person. And I happen to be liberal.

These are my convictions. These are my values. They deserve to be respected, just as the more conservative views others have. I deserve to be respected, not in spite of my convictions, but because of them.

Oh, Texas, how I love thee (Or 'Oh, stupid narrow minded people, how I loath thee)

I got this email forwarded to me yesterday from a relative of my hubby's that will remain un-named, but whoo boy. She has always emailed me things that make me cringe and scream simultaneously, and I marvel how there are so many people out there that are just so narrow-minded, so fearful of change, so selfish. I say that I am tolerant of all different ways of thinking and doing things, but being selfish? I am not so tolerant of that.
And I continue to marvel at how, although this un-named relative knows I am a social worker, knows I am a giving and helping type of person, and has got to know by now that I am fairly liberal, she still sends me shit that is the exact opposite of those things. What the hell??

So. Since I can't keep anything to myself, I will go ahead and share with you. Please, please enjoy, and know that this is not my opinion. And although I love Texas, I do not believe in this ideology at all:

Texans are not whining about the elections. Ok, Folks. Texas has given you complainers plenty of time to get used to the election results. After listening to all the whiners after the election, some folks from Real Texas have decided that we might just take matters into our own hands.

First a little history lesson. It's our independent nature to point out the people who enjoy the Texas Lifestyle have the right to secede and form our own country once again whenever the people of Texas choose to do so. Some other states also have this right. The difference is, Texas has actually pulled that trigger before. Yes, Texas was an Independent Republic before it became a state and can secede. Nothing inherently prohibits that from taking place.

Let's get this straight. John McCain, a real American hero, carried Texas by over a million votes. Texans can still smell the fires of the Twin Towers . We would also honor President Bush. George Bush simply did what any Real Texan would do and that is to go try his best to annihilate anyone who was responsible for attacking us. We don't fault him for that. We applaud that sort of behavior. It's Texas politics, Texas style. *We're ready to secede.*

Don't get me wrong. We like ya'll - We just don't want to *be like ya'll.*

#1: Barack Obama becomes President of the United States (all the other 49 states).
#2: Ross Perot becomes the next President of the Republic of Texas and invites John McCain to be an honorary Texan. We honor our heroes in Texas and honor their service. McCain is welcome here and he can be Secretary of the Texas Navy. Native Texan George Foreman will be Secretary of Defense. After that is all said and done, we wish Mr. Obama well. We really do.

We expect one of Perot's first acts as President of the Republic will be to tear down the border wall and erect a 10' wall around Austin to keep the "Austin Weird" folks in and away from the rest of us. If they will just pipe their Texas music out over the wall, it will keep the rest of us happy. ( Just kidding my Austin relatives on that one.)

However, Willie will be Secretary of Agriculture and music. Wonder what he will grow?

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic? Here's a few things to be aware of:
Texas is the 11th largest economy on the planet. We are bigger than Spain and right behind Great Britain . We are also bigger than Russia . We are an economic force to be reckoned with. We have a constitutional amendment to balance our budget..and we do it. We also have a multi-billion dollar budget surplus this year. We are so big, we have our own power grid. Yes, that's true.

*What else?* NASA is in Houston . (we will control the space industry). We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States . Defense Industry? We have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas ," will take on a whole new meaning. Oil - we can supply all the oil the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years.
Obama states? Sorry about that. As David Werst said, *"We like ya'll, we just don't want to be like ya'll."*

You can buy oil (pronounced like ya'll) from us instead of terrorist countries that hate you. We will love you for paying so much to us instead of Saudi Arabia , Venezuela , Kuwait and others.
You don't want to 'drill baby drill' or put up with those nasty oil wells? Well, we do and we know how to do it without polluting the land, air, and sea. BTW-We have our own ports and shipping lanes. We're also not "waiting on our FEMA check" to rebuild Galveston . We are doing it right now as we speak.

Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and again, it's just too bad about you blue Obama states who don't want drilling. We've been driving around with those big tanks in the backs of our pickups for years now. We'll switch over to compressed natural gas. Obama will figure a way to keep ya'll warm..according to your need. Or, you could use ocean waves, or make friends with Hugo Chavez or what's his name in Iran .

Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell, EDS, Raytheon, Motorola, Intel, Austin Technology Centers Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, and other large health centers. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas State University , Rice, SMU, TCU, University of Houston , Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway.

We have a ready supply of workers (just open the border when we need some more). But, we won't have an illegal immigration problem. Former Texas Governor candidate Kinky Friedman solved that. He proposed we pay 5 Mexican Generals a million a year to control illegal immigration-folks coming /from Mexico to Texas / illegally. For every illegal that slips through, we deduct $10,000. Wonder how many will get across the border into Texas ? We won't need a Border Patrol.

We like tourism. Come stay a while. Enjoy a Cowboys game or go to Six Flags over Texas ..then go home. We don't need any more Californians coming here and messing things up. Or, they could live in Austin where we can keep an eye on 'em.

We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here is heavily armed and has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 6 hours if we need it. That's the Texas way. When the tower sniper started shooting in Austin a few years back, citizens piled out of their cars and pickups and started returning fire within 2 minutes. Our citizens are licensed to carry handguns on their person. We have a saying down here: "If you mess with the bull, you're gonna get the horns."

And an even more remarkable finding from the past..Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Bush: 0.1 of one percent. Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Gore: 13.2. In Texas , even some of our school teachers carry guns. We won't surrender our kids to nuts and terrorists without a fight. Don't even think about messing with us. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Texas DPS and ask them to send over a couple of Texas Rangers.

We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and vegetable produce and everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.

Arts? Bob Wills is still the king, but we also like different types of music, Country..and..Western. We even have our own beer. Lone Star, The National Beer of Texas . This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Just keep on reading David Werst's RealTexas Blog for more details on how to be a RealTexan.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, We'll sell you gas too. We'll call the gas company Texasco or something like that. Happy to do it. You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications or ask you to pay for the signal. It will be Texas Direct TV. Hank Jr. will move here and be in charge of programming. Did you know we don't even have an income tax? We have all we need here in God's country and like I've already said, if we don't have it, we don't need it. We will have cheap, plentiful energy. The new Texas Secretary of Energy, T. Boone Pickens will be putting up thousands of wind generators all over the west Texas plains and since everybody else thinks Texas is full of hot air, we might as well take advantage of it.

Good luck. Ya'll are gonna need it.
Signed, The People of Real Texas

Rants (and two little raves)

Today was a bad day. Well, not so much bad as absolutely frustrating to the very core of me. I'll get to what set me off, but let me just tell you all the things that made it worse once I was already annoyed-frustrated-batshit crazy.

--I saw not one, not two, but FOUR people throw their damn cigarette butts out their car windows. Smoking annoys the shit out of me to begin with. I hate when I go to a bar and I come home smelling like ass from all the people who chain-smoked their way through happy hour. But I deal with it from certain family members who smoke. I don't complain out loud, I'm not rude, I just deal.with.it. and then go home and wash all my clothes and take a shower.
Anyway, what really annoyed me about this is that it is extremely dry around here. We had a random rainshower yesterday (the first in almost a month), but I swear it evaporated before it hit the ground. We have watering restrictions, and a burn ban. Most lawns look like hay, especially in commercial areas, and definitely along the highways. And here are ignorant asshats throwing their damn cigarettes out their window! WTF? I mean, if you can handle that shit in your lungs, why the hell can't you put it out in your damn car and handle the smell of it until you can throw it in a trash can?? I just don't get people!

-- At work, I have been trying to collect money. I won't go into detail, but it is pretty hard to get some people to pay, and I understand some of it may be due to the economy. But! Just tell me you don't have the damn money to pay me for the work we did 4 months ago, don't LIE! Annoying! Don't make me feel like I'm the pain in the ass, calling you every few days, when I am hanging on the lie YOU told ME.

-- This story bothered me when I read it last night, and I've been thinking about it all day. Do I really want to write another post about the illegal immigration 'issue' in our country? No, not really. But this story really pissed me off because the damn defense attorney for one of the defendents is actually trying to say that the victim provoked the defendents by retaliating against their racial slurs. WTF?? Are you kidding me? Grrrrrrr.

-- Has anyone else been following the jacked up story about little Caylee Anthony in Florida? She was allegedly abducted about a month ago, and her mother decided to allegedly search on her own, without telling any of her family. And then, finally, Caylee's grandmother is a bit worried, finds her daughter's car abandoned, and calls the cops. All of a sudden, Caylee's mom surfaces, like nothing is wrong, and somehow, Caylee's mom convinces her own mother that Caylee is okay-"Oh, she's probably settling down for a nap by now." And then all of a sudden: "OMG! Caylee's been missing for a month! Help!"
WTF? The stuff the mother is saying doesn't make sense. The tapes of her talking to her brother and sister on the phone from jail are odd. She doesn't sound upset that her daughter is missing. She sounds annoyed that everyone is upset about the missing 2 year old. She does not sound remorseful, hysterical (as I would be), out-of-her-mind batshit crazy that her kid is missing. And then the grandmother goes on Larry King on Tuesday, and talks about how she thinks her daughter is innocent, but then she starts talking in circles too, and none of it really makes sense. Where the fuck is the little girl???? In my gut, I feel mom is involved. I feel she ditched her. Or killed her. Very sad.

I would say that these types of news stories don't normally get to me, but they do. Every day. I don't seek them out on CNN.com or on the evening news, but they are there, every day. And it saddens me. Some days, it really pisses me off, the awful things people do. Other days, it makes me so very sad. Sad enough to want to just curl in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep. Dramatic? No. Just that empathetic.

--Lastly, let's talk a bit about censorship. I have read several people's posts about being concerned that family members, the IT department, co-workers, or bosses will find their blog. I also read someone's blog about a month or so ago, talking about how she was going to shut down her blog because her husband may very well be going into politics, and she would hate for anything she wrote to be used against him.
When I read all these posts, I commented to each of them that they should JUST BE THEMSELVES AND LET EVERYONE ELSE DEAL WITH IT IF THEY DON'T LIKE IT.
But is that the best idea? Can you really write when you feel as though you've got someone looking over your shoulder, that you wouldn't necessarily want knowing all your thoughts? I understand that when you start a blog, you are really putting yourself out there, for the 'whole internet' to see, but I think maybe it's different when you realize that your father has been checking out your blog, or your grandmother. When it's an anonymous person, you aren't worried about censorship (or at least I'm not). I'm not worried that someone won't like what I have to say, because, if you don't like what I wrote, you don't HAVE to come back, right? But when it's a loved one reading your shit, their feelings may get hurt. They may be surprised by what you have to say. And that, is the issue.
I started blogging on Myspace. For myself. It was an outlet, and I knew that people would have access, but that didn't much bother me. It's not like I was blogging about my sex life. I eventually started my blog here, because I wanted to get away from Myspace, and also because I wanted to be part of this awesome community. I wanted to reach out to others, make new friends, gain insight into things, get support. And yes, it is still my outlet, for me. And I could just as easily keep a journal, but I would not have met all the lovely women (and some men too! sorry guys!) if I had not been brave enough to put my shit out there.

So, lovely blogging community, please tell me: Do you censor yourself if you find out someone is reading your blog? Or do you just go for it, and not worry about their feelings? Or, do you go for broke and shut the damn thing down?

And here is my two little teeny raves for the day:

-- I finally won a PiF contest!! Woohoo!!! I won Fiona Picklebottom's contest! Yipeee!!! I get books! I love books! My husband? Not so much. He's sick of seeing them pile up, since the bookcase I got 8 months ago is already bursting. But: Yay me!!

--I was given a cute little blog award by Holly. Look over there ---> to your right. Cute huh? She is such a sweetheart for thinking of me, and if she wasn't 14 bajillion miles away, I would march over to her house right now, beat down her door, give her a big hug, and pinch her cute nose! And share a few bottles of wine. Or rum. Or tequila. You get my drift.

Keeping hope alive

Three years ago, I was suffering from some pretty bad pregnancy-induced insomnia. It could have been that my left hip was screaming approximately 23.75 hours a day. Or it could have been that my dear little wee girl liked to kick the living crap out of the very top of my ribs on my right side. Or it could have possibly been that I was so damn thirsty, drank a ton all day, hence, peed about 12.58 times a night. Eh, either way, I was up.


One night I caught a show on the Discover Channel, or some such educational non-sense that I watch non-stop. It was about 5 American contractors working on an aerial anti-drug campaign with the Colombian government in February 2003. Their plane crashed in the middle of FARC territory, where the FARC immediately killed 2 of the Americans, along with a Colombian contractor that was with them.


The show went on to show the 3 remaining Americans finding out that not only had their employer been bought out by another company here in the US, but that their 2 co-workers had been shot and killed.


The show was gut-wrenching. I sat curled up on my couch, biting the inside of my lip until it bled, tears streaming down my face. I was absolutely livid that these men were being held hostage by some very scary people, and our government was doing nothing. Yeah, yeah, I know-I'm sure there were various under-the-table deals going on, that the public isn't privy to. However, this showed in 2005, about a year and a half AFTER they had been captured. How the hell could the US do nothing to save them?


After watching the show, I sat up another couple of hours, surfing the 'net for information on the men, their families, the history of the FARC, and any possible updates on their conditions. I wrote my Senator and Representatives. I ranted and raved about the show for weeks after I saw it. I had long conversations with my father about the military, our government, and my feeling of utter helplessness in this situation. And I prayed.





I have prayed for those men for the past 3 years. There have been countless sleepless nights where I have stared out my window at the stars, and wondered if they were still alive, and if they had any hope left. Not like I've prayed non-stop, but they were definitely on my list of people to pray for.



Saturday night, after a bottle of wine, I turned on CNN at about 3am. And there were the faces of the three men: Marc Gonsalves, Thomas Howes, & Keith Stansell.



They were rescued by the Colombian government. After 5 years. I was speechless (and not because I was both drunk and stuffing my face with fries). I found myself saying 'Oh my God' over and over.



See, I am one of those people who prays, hopes, and worries, but sometimes I don't have much faith in my own ability to hope. I was letting logic take over--after so many years, and no updates about those men, it seemed pretty logical to say that they were probably dead. Yet, I continued to pray for them, whenever their faces entered my mind, trying to keep just the slightest bit of hope alive, for them.



And for me. I was hoping that 'the powers that be' would do something. I was hoping that they would be able to escape. I was hoping that God was hearing all of the prayers whispered in bedsheets. I was hoping that if they were freed/rescued, it would prove to me that having faith and hope actually means something.




And it did. They are alive. They are all about 30-40 pounds skinnier, but they are well. They are back in the US, back in the arms of their families.



They are alive.

Well, isn't that special???

So, miss Mooooooooo tagged me for this damn book meme, and of course, I'm a sucker, and of course, it is so damn fitting.

Rules:
-Pick up the nearest book.
-Turn to page 123.
-Find the 5th sentence.
-Copy down the next three sentences.
-Pass it along.

So, I just finished My Sister's Keeper, and a few others, and here you have it:

--Kerri glances over her shoulder at me. "You look like shit."
"Thanks."

Gah, what the hell? Seriously?

So, I tried another book: My Life In and Out of the Rough by John Daly. My husband's book, although I don't think he's finished, let alone touched it a least a month.

--She was also absolutely drop-dead beautiful. I couldn't take my eyes off her. But I got all shy for some reason.

Awwwwww.

Okay, so I'm tagging the following: Why Mom Drinks Rum, Danielle, My Second Journal, & DeeDee. Go. Now. Have fun trying to find something meaningful and blog-worthy on page 123.

***

Another blog-worthy topic that I could go on and on about.
I receive emails from my husband's aunt on occasion. Sometimes it is little updates about how things are going, but mostly it is stupid forwards. Okay, some are cute and sweet, but most are political in nature, and they.piss.me.off.
See, I am pretty liberal. But working for CPS for 6 years also put some pressure on my morals and standards. Now, I'm all for Free Speech and 'to each their own' and all that other bullshit, but seriously?
So today I get this email with 'Political Cartoons we don't see, but should'. Oh, frick.
And I go ahead and read them, and I'm all, "Oh, funny." Not.
But! At the very end of the email is this, bullshit statement:

"Thought for the day: Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'. "

Please. Go back and read.that.very.slowly.

Now, let me breathe a bit, before I get on my soapbox, and lay into this one. And beware, I am sure I will cuss on this one.

Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously??? Seriously. Okay, so I live in Texas, and yeah, yeah, Texas is really Mexico, according to all the fuckers who say this state is 'full of Mexicans'. Okay, fine. Whatever. But comparing people who are here illegally with dumbasses who sell drugs to anyone who will buy them? Uh, no.
I'm not really sure why, over the past few years, we have decided that it is all the filthy, undocumented Mexicans that are causing problems. Last time I checked, they bust their asses. They have taxes pulled out of their checks, just like you and me. They live quietly, and they send money home to their families.
Don't give me this shit that they are taking jobs away from 'us Americans'. In all my years growing up and working in restaurants, I never once saw a white or black (or any other race or ethnicity for that matter) dishwasher or busser. The guys who brick the houses? Hispanic. The guys who put on the roofs? Hispanic. Landscapers? Hispanic. Sheetrockers? Hispanic. Foundation work? Hispanic. Framers? Hispanic. Tile, wood floors, painting? Hispanic X 3.
Now, I'm not saying that there aren't any other races/ethnicitys doing these jobs. But the majority in this state are Hispanic.
And how about the ranch hands? Hispanic. Migrant workers? Hispanic.
The fact of the matter is: They are cheap labor. They bust their ass, they don't complain, they work long hours, and they are happy. In turn, we are happy because the cost of a house is much cheaper, since labor is cheaper. Those strawberries we eat? Guess whose filthy Mexican hands picked them??
Sure, they use county and state funds. Sure, they apply for Medicaid, and go to the county hospitals. But guess what? So do the poor, working class, and middle class Americans. No matter what color.
I just don't see how building a fence along the border is going to fix things. There will still be people who will deal in human trafficking, and they will still trickle into this country. And really, the problem of terrorism DID NOT originate in Mexico.

I don't see how sending people back, who have been here for years, will correct things. I don't see how separating families (illegal parents and their American-born children) is really going to make things better. What an example we are showing, to the rest of the world, huh?

I know that people get fired up about this issue. I know that people have things to say about why I shouldn't want an 'illegal immigrant' here. But the thing is, I don't see them as having a negative impact on my life. The things I'm more concerned about: gas prices, the war, the fucking Supreme Court overturning the idea that a person convicted of raping a child could be put to death, the meth epidemic. (Those are issues I will talk about soon)

I realize everyone has their own opinion, and I respect that. My opinion will not change on this subject.

As for my husband's aunt?: I delete the damn emails. I don't respond. I just don't want to seem disrespectful, so I keep my mouth shut. It's a bit annoying, because it's pretty constant, and I know she is trying to shove her opinion down my throat.

***
And lastly.....has anyone else noticed how buff Randy White is lately??? He's 55, but his body does not look it!

Deadly sins, Pharm-water, & sad news

Let me start this blog off by saying that I am a guilty Catholic. I am a recovering Catholic. I grew up in the Catholic church, and I love God. I pray. But I also became disheartened or bored or something, around the age of 20 or so, by the Catholic Church. I was not getting anything out of going to Mass, other than sore knees. I did not feel I was learning, I did not feel closer to God, and it wasn't always very welcoming. Overall, I just don't think that it should feel like that. So....I am a guilty Catholic-I don't go to Mass, I believe in birth control, I am on the fence about abortion, and now....I believe in stem cell research! Ack! Watch out-lightning bolts are coming for me right this very instant!
So, you heard that the Vatican decided to add 7 more deadly sins? First off, what has made the Church decide to finally, after 7000 or so years, enter this damn century? I'm a bit blown away by that, all on it's own.
Here they are: polluting, genetic engineering, being obscenely rich, drug dealing, abortion, pedophilia and causing social injustice.
That's pretty amazing, isn't it? So now we are going to hell if we don't repent for being a litter bug? What about the 'obscenely rich' who give so much to help others? Drug dealing? Sigh. I get the sentiment. I really do. But I am feeling like the Church is just going to push more people away by this, rather than draw in more believers.
I already believe in birth control. I use it. I have for years. It's just being smart, pro-active, and safe. To me, it's not a sin. I also believe that there are situations where an abortion needs to happen. NO-I do not agree with an abortion in the 2nd or 3rd trimester, when it is a child, with body parts, emotions, and feelings. But I do think that if an 11 year old is raped (and YES PEOPLE, it does happen, a lot more than you want to know), she should not have to be pushed into adulthood by going through 9 months of pregnancy and then become a mother, when she should be playing with her friends and her I-pod.
And I do believe in stem cell research. I think that we are on to something BIG, that could save millions of people with tons of different incurable diseases. I believe that God is pointing us down this path, NOT Satan.
So, I am a guilty Catholic who will worry about her soul until she passes away, because she has turned from the Catholic church. And littered.
::
Another interesting story today: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,336286,00.html
If you know me, you know that I have said this before: I think we need to pump some anti-depressants into the drinking water. I don't mean this lightly. I really am serious. I think depression is a lot more widespread than we realize, and I also think that a lot of people don't take it very seriously. Some people don't know enough about it, and feel like someone can 'just snap out of it'. Others don't care to know anything about it, and ignore it-in their loved ones, and also in themselves.
I think I have probably suffered from depression since I was younger, but didn't really latch onto the thought, or recognize it in myself until the very end of 2006. And I gotta tell you, it is serious shit. And anti-depressants? They are awesome at taking up that damn serotonin. It's amazing how much better you feel, even in every day life where you didn't realize you were affected.
So, I honestly feel that putting anti-depressants in our water would make lots of awful stuff go down: crime rates, stress levels, road rage, self-hatred......But, I didn't ever really think about the fact that we really are dumping this stuff into the drinking water, along with anti-convulsants, heart medication, cholesterol meds, hormones.....it's all there for the taking, whether we want it (or need it) or not. Which really, is a bit scary. I mean, wow! What is this stuff doing to those of us who don't need it? What about the environment? Wildlife? I don't see an easy (or cheap)solution to this.
::
A co-worker passed away sometime between last night and this morning. She didn't show for work, and didn't answer her phone, which is totally not like her. My boss went to her apartment complex to check on her, because she is an older woman who lives by herself. Almost all of her family live far away.
When the apartment employee broke into her apartment, they found her deceased on her couch, with her bible lying next to her. Like she had just fallen asleep reading.
I didn't know her well, and that sorta saddens me, because I feel like I should have tried harder to get to know her. She was sweet, and a bit all over the place, but she appeared happy. I just didn't really have the time to get to know her very well.
But really, what got to me all day, and is still getting me as I sit here on my couch, is this:
Last Thursday, she was calming down our clients when the snow came earlier than expected. On Friday, she was taking a client to the dentist. I don't know what she did all weekend, but really.....if she knew she was going to pass away, would she have been doing all those things her last few days on this Earth? I can't stop thinking about how we can just be snuffed out in a single moment, and it really is not our choice, and everyone else is left to deal with the consequences of our actions (or inactions) after we are gone.
I wouldn't want to be working if I knew I was going to pass away in a week. I wouldn't be complaining about my backyard being a damn mud hole, or how my husband leaves his damn shoes right where I can trip on them every day. I just wouldn't want to waste the time.
Yet.
Yet I do. Every day. I don't talk to everyone I love every day. I don't say how much others mean to me when I should. I don't spend every waking moment with my daughter. I get impatient with her. I yell. I grit my teeth.
I don't spend enough quality time with my husband. Or my father. Or my sister.
I worry about minor things, I stress about stupid things that I really don't have much control over. And I put off things that I really want to do. Like go to grad school. Like write a novel. Like attempt to get some of my poetry published. Like have another child. Like plant a garden.
What if my time is up in a few weeks? What do I have to show for it? Or rather, what do my loved ones have to show for it?
I can't wrap my head around this. I am overwhelmed when I think about it.
So. I will attempt to be more thankful. I will attempt to show my love more. I will attempt to do more meaningful things with my life, while I have my life.
~dlw