Karma is a bitch, but a stupid one

I was standing in the school parking lot Wednesday night chatting with a classmate. I glanced towards my jeep, and saw something lying in front of it. We walked over, and what could it be? A million pieces of broken taillight from someone else's car. Someone had backed into my jeep. The damage is so minimal-a couple of teeny scratches on the bumper. It's not noticeable, or even worth mentioning. So why, you ask, am I mentioning it?
Well, for one, it's the Social Work parking lot. Meaning, someone with a kind soul and a need to cover their ass took off without leaving a note. I realize I just said there was no damage, but come on-at least leave me a note, saying " I'm sorry I was a dumb asshat". Although, I don't need a note to tell me this, fellow social worker.
As I was discussing the fact that I would be driving around the parking lot next week with my eyes peeled for a car with a broken taillight, I realized:
Karma is a bitch.

See, several years ago, a friend and I (and it was the 'love-to-get-drunk-with' type of friend, not the 'if-your-world-falls-apart-tomorrow-I-will-be-there-to-hold-you-up' type of friend) went out for drinks. We went to a local bar a couple of miles away that kept business going by catering to truckers (what with the titty bar next door) & to poor drunk schmucks like us, by serving $.25 'you call it' shots. I loved that place. I could spend $5 on one beer and a tray full of tequila shots, dance on my chair, and call it a night. So that's what we did.
Except, we had no one to drive us home.
So, dumb asshat schmuck that I am....I drove.
Please don't alert MADD or DADD. I assure you that this was one of the only times, and the last time I drove drunk (just typing that gives me the chills).

I drove home rather well, if I do say so myself: didn't run any lights, drove the speed limit, followed all rules of the road. All was well until we turned into our neighborhood. There were two ways to get to my house through our neighborhood, and I intended to go one way. However, we both remembered that if we went the other way, we could drive by the drunk assholes who always hung out in their driveway, screaming obscenities at everyone who drove by. Seeing as we were drunk ourselves, we figured we could beat them at their own game. We were feeling feisty.

Here's where the true drunk intellect comes in:

I was already going one way. So, instead of pulling into someone's driveway, backing up, and going the other way, I decided that I was going to put it in reverse, in the middle of the road, without looking to see if anyone was behind me. Lucky for me, no one was behind me. However, the car parked along the curb did not fare well when I backed into it. Going like 20mph. I looked back and said 'What did I hit? Oh, the curb."

I did not even see the car.

We survey the damage after we pull into my driveway. Holy hell, the rear end on the driver's side was annihilated! So, we decide we need to see what it was that I hit. We find a sober person (Why didn't we think to do this before I drove??) to drive us in an undamaged car back to the 'scene of the crime'. At this point, I didn't think there actually had been a crime.

When we get there, we discover that I backed into a car. A car parked along the curb, already in bad shape, with twelve different shades of primer all over it, riddled with dents and dings. And now, with a caved-in driver's door. They were going to have to pull a Dukes of Hazard to get into this car, if it was indeed driveable.

I can giggle now, thinking of the shape this car was in, with this huge dent in the side. But then? Oh, I wasn't giggling. And I didn't do the right thing. I didn't leave a note, I didn't knock on the apartment door, I didn't call the police. I didn't even tell my parents. Oh, and I attempted to lie about it to my husband. Wow, can I please get the 'Citizen of the Year' award? Jeez.

My car was fixed, the damaged car was eventually towed for being in the street, and all was well. Whew. I also said about 40 Hail Marys and prayed for my soul.

And now I am laughing, because yeah, Karma is a bitch, but she sure is a stupid one.:

(Whispering) A few scratches on my bumper? Wow, I made out!


Anonymous said...

Sshhh. Your car owning days aren't over yet.
Sorry bout that.
Love love love the header.
Did you make that?

Jannie Funster said...

I'm laughing too. At the way you told this mostly.

I did something naughty like this too once, so I guess karma's overdue to kick my tender buttocks. Or maybe it kicked them so ridiculously much when I was younger I've got a surplus built up.

"Someone with a kind soul and a need to cover their ass," loved that line.

Okay Swap-buddy, I gotta get my karmic ass in bed.

Jenn Martinson said...

Oh, it's never a good idea to mock karma... her sense of humor sucks and she's a vengeful little bitch. You may want to wrap your car in bubble wrap just in case.