My advice for the day

My advice to you is this, and listen (i.e. read) very carefully:

Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to pee while you have a seemingly-never ending coughing fit that brings tears to your eyes.

And, if, IF, IF you decide that you are gonna go ahead and ignore my advice, may I just first off say 'I told you so!' and then let you know that the following is sure to happen:

You will cough as you pull your pants down. You will cough as you hover your medium-sized ass over the toilet. You will cough so hard that tears come to your eyes, making it impossible to see a damn thing (including the possibility of any germs on the toilet seat). You will have the fleeting thought that you may very well puke your yogurt and tuna fish lunch right there on your extremely cute shoes. Due to your 1 hour and 15 minute work-out Monday evening, your legs will be shaking to begin with, but as you cough, you will lose your balance, and land your ass directly onto said toilet seat. Which wouldn't be so bad, except you know you were the last one to clean it, and NOT the last one to use it. And of course, you will have already started peeing, because really, you wait hours before you finally break down and go to the bathroom in the first place. Which means you will have wiggled all the way down the hall to the bathroom, which means that you were practically peeing when you pulled your pants down and began to hover. Which means, when your ass hits that seat, you will pee all over your legs.
And you will be lucky enough to have some spare toilet paper around. You will not be so lucky when you are using said toilet paper on your black pants. But! you will be lucky enough to be wearing pants you got for $5 on the clearance rack at Kohl's last year, so who the hell cares if you have little toilet paper fuzzies all over them? And you will be lucky enough that you are the only one in the office, so no one hears you snort, snot, sniffle, and cough your way through the rest of this little incident. Or fart, because REALLY how can someone cough THAT long and THAT hard without pushing some extra air out of somewhere else????

That's my advice, and if you choose not to take it, well, that's what may just happen to you.

(And in reference to my last post: NO I was not able to put my feet behind my head, but I damn sure tried, and I just don't suggest it.)


The Ex said...

Lord have mercy on you. TGIF!

Chris Spencer said...

That's why I like being a guy. Worst case scenario? It goes all over the wall. And the seat. And the floor. But not me.

CP said...

(laughing and snorting)

And Chris Spencer? Nice of you to rub it in!