Frickety Frick

After a day filled with food I wasn't in the mood to eat (although it was yummy), I was worn the hell out by 9pm. My girl went to sleep easy as pie, and I didn't even have the energy to think that it was tooo easy. I was already dreaming of curling in a ball in my bed, with the ceiling fan on high.

So off to Dreamland I went, fairly quickly, after watching an hour or so of Deadliest Catch (love that show!!). I slept that kind of deep, dark sleep that is just black and silent and full of NOTHING. Then, about 3 hours later, I woke up with my heart pounding in my chest, and my nerves on edge. I held my breath, listened for odd noises (other than all the damn snorers in my house!), and got up to get a drink. The dogs were still asleep, so I figured what my body was reacting to was not a sound, or they would have been barking their heads off. Or maybe not, because they are both getting a bit deaf in their old age.

I finally convinced myself I was nuts, and drifted back to sleep.

At 5am, I am having a sweet dream about someone I used to know, and in the middle of this dream is this unwelcome sound:

Sqweet, Sqweet.

Sqweet, Sqweet.

It is loud, annoying, never ending, and holy hell-did I mention LOUD????

I wake up and try to assess where this damn sound is coming from.

Sqweet, Sqweet.

I go to the living room, to make sure one of the dogs isn't chomping down on their squeak toy. Nope. Just snoring and farting in that room.

Sqweet, Sqweet.

I realize it is coming out of my bathroom. My bathroom, that is all travertine, beauty products, plants, and more travertine. To say the least, everything (and I do mean everything) echoes in there.


By this time, I am utterly annoyed that I'm up at 5am hunting for some fucking thing that apparently doesn't realize that the sun has set, not rose, and it is SLEEP-TIME in my house, NOT SQWEET TIME.

I track the sound to my walk-in shower. I briefly think about my girl saying Sunday morning, "There's a cricket in the dr-ain", but she has the memory of an elephant, and I figured she was talking about the time there really was a cricket in the drain.

But then I think, "Maybe there's another cricket in the drain". So my first idea was to fill a glass up with water and dump it down the drain, hoping to drown the fucker.

'Frickity frick, you stupid cricket.'


What the hell? Why isn't he gargling, or drowning?

Next, I bang on the wall, which only makes him stop for a second or so. But then:


OH HOLY FUCK! make it stop!

At this point, I balance the pros and cons of waking my husband up for something so damn dumb. I decide that silence and sleep is more important than my reputation (which, if I must say, is already shot with my husband-he thinks I'm a dork already).

So I wake him. He has this wild, non-focused look in his eye, and he frowns at me as I say: 'Do you f-ing hear that???'

Him: 'Yeah, what the hell is it?'

Me: 'A f-ing cricket, I think, but I can't find it!! Frick! Please help!!'

Him: 'Are you kidding? Jeez, just shut the bathroom door.'

So, I figure I'll give it a go, but now it is just a muffled SQWEET SQWEET and that does not help me any.

Me: 'I will go NUTS if that doesn't stop!'

Him: 'Just go back to sleep!'

Me: 'What? It woke me up!!! Are you kidding?'

So he begrudgedly gets out of bed and stumbles into the bathroom. Usually, I would be up his ass, telling him to just catch it and throw it outside, but at 5:20am, I just do NOT give a damn! So I hop in bed, and listen to:

'Where are you, you bastard?'
'Oh, he's behind the shower spray cleaner. You didn't see him??'

At this point I hear shower spray cleaner being sprayed, and I hear this:

SQWEET SQWEET SQWEEEEEEEeeeeet, sqweeeegggrrrgggllllllll.........

Ah, sweet silence.

And then:

'Squeak on that, mother-fucker.'


Chris Spencer said...

OH MY GOD. That's funny.

Heather said...

That cricket had it coming!

Misty said...

Oh. My. Gosh.

I'm still laughing...

Kristie said...

That was funny! I hope you got some sleep, eventually.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! And hopefully followed by a good morning nap...

MP said...

....That's great!!

Why is it you can hear them..but I can never find them....ever..

DeeDee said...

that was hilarious! it reminds me of this stupid bird that would keep pecking on my front window every morning at about 7 because the dumbass saw his reflection and was trying to protect his territory. that fucker did that for almost two weeks until i finally found his next and knocked that shit down!

Swistle said...