A missing post for "When Pills Aren't Enough"

There was a post missing from the Sessions, so I'm posting it here today. Give lots of comment love!

or...How to win friends and influence people in the office....

Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. I swear, the only reason I stay is because I need the job. If I wouldn't lose my house, I'd quit tomorrow. This place is a fucking zoo. I should have known that going to work in a political office was going to be a fucking nightmare. I'm just lucky (or maybe THEY are) that I haven't beat the shit out of someone yet.

So, get this: I've been here for 16 months. I work, ahem, worked for a presidential appointee. When January 21st rolled around, she was unemployed. So, three months later two new appointees come in. The Big Giant Head and his third in charge. The Big Giant Head (heretofore called BGH) brought in his own assistant, so the assistant that had been at that desk for 16 years comes to my desk. I was assisting the third in charge (heretofore called Sneaky Bitch or SB). They moved me to assist the second in charge, who is not here and won't be here until the winter time. I hope you can follow this better than I can....So, for the last eight fucking months, your taxpayer dollars have been hard at work paying me big $$$ to sit at a desk, write a blog, facebook, email, do online courses and basically spin my blonde ass around in a chair until I got dizzy. SB moved me to assist the BGH's assistant Queen Bee (are you following this?) so she could get to know the Who's Who of The Agency. While I sat at a NEW desk, listening to her make phone calls to the wrong people, calling people by the wrong name, telling people the wrong name of the person in the meeting with the BGH I would try to tell her Who's Who during our moments alone. The last time I tried, she put her hand up (think, "talk to the hand") and told me she didn't care. So, I basically told her to fuck herself (but much more politely). I lasted a whole week with her. They moved me back to my old desk from April to July, EXTENDING my working hours to do nothing all day. Well, not nothing. I put the newspapers on our cute table and made copies from 7-8 in the morning. So from 8-4:30, I did nada. Zilch. Nothing. At $30 an hour. Taxpayers' expense.

So, I took a day of leave in July. The next day, I come to work and they tell me in no uncertain terms to "pack your shit, you're moving. You probably shouldn't count on coming back to the Office of the BGH." OK, cool! I've got a new job! One that will keep me busy!! Alright!! So, I moved across the hall to work for, let's see, we'll call her Face with Two-Sides. Seems everything was going great! I was busy, I was keeping her happy, I was planning The Agency stuff, everything. Now, here's where the politics step in. In this particular office, there is a 25 year old boy. Sorry--man. He works here because he was little fetch and tote in the big Capitol building up the street. He's a favor. First job out of college. He's been here two months. He's a fucking little pussy, ass-kissing, brown nosing, power-tripping piece of guano. He is actually junior to me. He wasn't my boss. He isn't ANYBODY'S boss, but he really thinks he is. He and I were working on a couple of projects together. Needless to say, if you can't tell by my description, we didn't get along so well. So, I walk into his office to let him know of a conference call. You know, "Hey Guano, there's a conference call on the mating habits of squirrels in 15 minutes." He gets in my face about "withholding" information from him because I didn't tell him the subject??? WTF???? So, in my best retired Navy drill instructor, Marine Corps wife, aircraft carrier flight deck-running jet mechanic bitch voice, I tell him not to use that tone. Period. Don't EVER talk to me like that again. End of conversation.

But, it wasn't. If only it were that easy. I send him a very detailed email about the project. Now, think "Office Space"...."Ummmm, yeah. I don't get your email" he says as he walks into my cube. "What don't you get, Guano? It's very easy. It has all the required information. Don't you read English?"

His response? "Baby, you need to calm down." That didn't calm me down. I freaked. I flipped the fuck out. Could have probably handled it better, yes. But I freaked. I was completely in his face. It wasn't pretty. "Did you just call me 'baby'? 'Baby???' Are you fucking serious??? I'm a forty something woman, you don't call me 'baby'. Not in the office, not in the hallway, nowhere." Again, I thought that was the end of the conversation. As you guessed, it wasn't.

He went to Mouth with Two-Sides who went to Sneaky Bitch who went to the Big Giant Head. FIVE DAYS LATER, I get called in to THE office (put in soap opera suspense music here). "Do you get along with Guano?" "No sir, I don't." "Have you had a bad week?" "No sir, I haven't." A few questions later, this one is my fave, "Do we need to get you some help?" They didn't even ask my side. What they did was tell me pack my shit and they were transferring me to another division. OH, and if I can find a new job outside The Agency in three weeks? I won't get a letter of reprimand in my personnel file.
So, what's the lesson here? NEVER, EVER, EVER work in a political office. Not office politics, political office. Because if you're just a permanent person with a career here, you don't even match up to the people that are here on a term basis and you certainly won't win against their friends.

How did I handle it??? I got drunk. ALL WEEKEND LONG. A bottle of tequila and a case of beer, all weekend. I was doing shots at some BBQ we were at and I have no idea what they were....it helped. I came back to work with a whole new fuck you attitude...But, I'm keeping it to myself.


lane said...


if i were you, i'd fight that "letter of reprimand" they're planning on putting in your personal file. if some joe blow loser calls me "baby", damn skippy i'm gonna tell him what's up (just as you did). you had every right to put your foot down and stand up for yourself. do you have an HR representative? file a complaint.

i'd make a big effing deal out of this whole thing. write a letter to BUST magazine (feminist culture mag); i'd be willing to bet they'd do a story on it or at least throw in an interview piece. this is exactly the kind of shit that they like to call out.

this isn't even my situation and it's infuriating to me. i guess because, when you get down to the bottom line, this is really an issue that concerns and affects all women. because this was pure patriarchal BULLSHIT. not only did they disrespect you and undermine your basic human right to be respected and treated with dignity, but they completely slapped feminism in the face. that should piss every woman of.

i'm so sorry you had to deal with this. i don't blame you for getting drunk for an entire weekend. i'd do the same thing.

BUT don't let this keep you down. show them that they made a big effing mistake ;)

Holly said...

You need to....stab....report...GAH I don't know. Feed that little weiner some revenge sauce somehow.

OOOOOOOO, sexual harrassment suit! There you go! They are scared to death of those things.

TUWABVB said...

You completely need to send a detailed email outlining everything that happened that day, including the "baby" comment (and innocently add that you believe that is inappropriate and illegal behavior on Guano's part). Put it in writing. Say that you are sad to here that they would reprimand the victim in this whole thing without even asking what the whole story is. I'm so mad at these asshats for you!

Janie Woods said...

What galled me more than anything was: With the exception of the BGH and the Guano, everyone involved WAS A WOMAN! Not ONE of them asked my side, not one. When I brought it up, I was told, "Well, we thought there was more to the story but the decision has been made. Oh, and if you mention this in your new division, it's not going to be very fun for you." So, I talked to an EO attorney (one of the best in DC) who told me my agency is notorious for this, keep my head down and get the fuck out of here as fast as I can.

Anonymous said...

1 word...LAWSUIT

Unknown said...

My bitch instinct? REVENGE.
My grown up instinct? Document. Every. Thing.
My save your own ass and fuck the rest of them instinct? Get the hell out of there before you wind up killing someone.
Oh, and repeat the drunken weekend. It'll make all this bullshit that really doesn't matter seem SO much less important.
Why can't people seem to just live their freaking lives, and let work flow smoothly? Like there's not enough drama in REAL life, we have to create more in the office setting?

Anonymous said...

And now I am suddenly enjoying my job a whole lot more...

Sarah said...

wtf?! Baby?! Kick his punk ass up between his ears.

linlah said...

There's nothing better than a weekend long head clearing.