The "When Pills Aren't Enough" Sessions

Not Enough

So my husband hates the fact that I have a blog. Hates it, mocks it, and despises its existence. And God forbid I include the kids in the blog. No photos of the kids period. And our marriage? Well, it’s his marriage too and he doesn’t want it discussed on the internet. I may not agree but I do need to respect that he feels so strongly about this. I’ve tried blogging about things and not mentioning him which is what we originally agreed upon. But then, he got upset because how could I blog about my life if I didn’t mention him? Wasn’t he a part of my life?

So, where does this leave the blog? Pretty damn quiet. I can’t blog about work (obviously), home (kids, husband and marriage are off limits) so where does this leave the blog? I’ve gone to password protected blogging but even that seems pointless now. It’s not as if the blog has hundreds of readers knocking on the door to login to read what I write. And my will to write has been so undermined that composing a post just seems so overwhelming. Which is sad because the blog was just gaining some momentum when he and I hit this latest impasse over blogging.

And let’s not forget about Twitter. One night he sat down and read my entire twitter stream (over 5,000 tweets) but hitting “more” over and over again. Months of random tweets about various things, now all out of context. That was not a fun evening nor has it been an enjoyable conversation every time Twitter has come up since then. Now? I barely even get on Twitter these days even though my tweets are locked. Again, it just seems so pointless.

So, does anyone else face this problem? What do you do?

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Badass Geek said...

That is a tough situation, but it seems to me like he just doesn't understand why you feel the need have this blog and use Twitter. Some people just won't let themselves understand it, no matter how much you explain it to them.

I wish I had some advice to offer, but I think he's just going to need to come to terms with this on his own.

Patois42 said...

Badass Geek has it right. I do find some have an almost intentionally difficult time understanding the desire -- the need? -- to blog or tweet. (Of course, I correspondingly also find those folks seem to be facebook fanatics. Hmmmmmm.) (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Holly said...

I find myself curbing the blog as well. My hubby is always super supportive - but things were much more smooth when he chose not to read 'for the sake of our marriage'. He recently started reading it again - and while he doesn't ask me to take anything down - once in awhile he comments on how I've portrayed him. Accurately - but he's worried he will come across as an ass.

I think your hubby has some insecurity issues. And if it's something you really want to do? Tell him you are going to start up an anonymous blog, change all the names, and he can deal with it or not. You shouldn't give in to control issues.

Aaaaand, Holly causes another marriage to fall apart *pats on back*

Love ya whoever you are!

Sarah said...

Damn tough situation. I have to say that anonymous is probably a good way to go if you feel as though it's a battle you don't want to fight or think you will lost without ever being heard. Although, it's tough to swallow the idea that you have to change everything for him and go anonymous. And there's something about being anonymous that wouldn't truly be yourself - as though you would have more of a difficult time identifying with yourself. And then, of course, there is still the fear that he'll be mad about something you wrote.

Shit, I just don't have any good advice, do I? I think understanding the source of his concern is key. Not sharing pictures of the kids could be a safety thing...that's plausible and respectable. But refraining from writing about your emotions about motherhood and marriage? I don't think that that is fair. Period.

So maybe he's just a private guy? Is that it? Likes to keep to himself? So be it. He can keep to himself. But you are not him. No need to be. He needs to stop reading. Period. Else you have to do this all behind his back...and buh! That would be no fun. And buh! Why does he need to have such control over you?

Sorry for the scattered rant...now I am going to try and find out what this whole "Pills Aren't Enough" thing is all about...

Zen Fire said...

I read quite a few blogs and am always amazed at how much people but out there for strangers to see, sheesh talk about living in glass houses!! And I have often thought, don't these people (mostly wives) know that ANYONE can read about their spouses, their children, including the spouses and children. Might they not be horrified to discover what the writer apparently REALLY things of them? Like holy frak my mom thinks I am gay!!! Especially since many writers seem to have no qualms about strangers knowing their names, where they live etc.
So I can understand where the husband is coming from. Some people are private out of common sense and for good reason.
However, this also sounds like a control issue which is just as disturbing as hanging your ass out a window for everyone to see. Reading 5000 twitters has to be pretty obsessive and controlling, I was married to someone like that, it is no way to live.
Blogs do not have to provide identifying information.Could you have one for family and friends, a keep in touch generic christmas card type? And one where you can write out your soul and no one would know who you are?
Controlling people make us have to stealth.

Unknown said...

Yikes! That is a tricky one...I am blessed to have a hubby that gives me free reign, reads everything I write and even guest posts.
My biggest worry about what you have written is the control issue. It's clearly not healthy for you and it's making you feel unmotivated. Despite concerns over privacy, your husband is not giving you freedom and that's troubling. Two pieces of advic--One, if the issue of control in regards to him spills over to other parts of your life...seek some counseling together for the issues. And two, if you really want to blog and he is not supportive, start a new one without giving him the name (although you may want to tell him you have one) and e-mail your regulars with the new url.
Good luck....and hugs!

S said...

My husband doesn't really understand why I blog either, though thankfully, he has not gone so far as to ban me from writing about him. (I am, however, barred from using his real name or his photo on my blog.)

Not sure what the solution is. Ain't marriage grand?

Chibi said...

I don't really have any other advice different from what's already been posted, but wanted to offer my support and some *squishy hugs* for the hell of it. I know this is anonymous for a reason, but if you ever feel the need for an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on, I'm always available. I hate the thought of anyone feeling like they have no "voice" to speak with. :(

Jenny Grace said...

Ugh. I'm sorry sugar.

TUWABVB said...

I think the issue is this - like all bloggers, you want to use writing as an outlet. The best part about blogging is that you get feedback from people who care about you, and who can sympathize with whatever you are writing about. Honestly, the only difference between the conversations you have on your blog, and one you might have with a best friend over a drink is that it can reach others who don't know you. So, I would say either (1) go anonymous so that you can still express yourself emotionally and creatively, or (2) create a he said/she said blog and invite him to write as well.

It sounds like your husband is a bit paranoid over what you will say about him - and to me, this speaks to a larger issue. My husband doesn't care what I write because he knows deep-down that I adore him and anything "bad" I would say would only be said out of temporary anger. Perhaps your husband doesn't feel secure or he knows that you aren't happy about certain things and he wants to quiet your voice about those things? Either way, it sounds like you both need to communicate a bit better so that he knows that you wouldn't say anything on your blog that you wouldn't say to him in person.

You do need to respect his feelings - but I think a common ground could be negotiated as well. Good luck whoever you are!

My Bottle's Up! said...

i go back and forth on this... because our blog began as our family story. our son was sick, we were reaching out... the blog was our life-line through hospital stays, doctors apts, etc. since it's grown and developed (as our son has and as he has gotten better) the blog has taken on an identity of its own. and so censoring it is difficult.... i have to censor because of my husband's work. and i get that, respect that, and understand it. that's fine. but he also gets that this is my outlet, respects my writing, and understands that i need my blog as much as my blog needs my writing. my hope would be that in time your husband would do the same... because there is such community in it.

Sarah said...

Aw, that sucks because you seem like a great writer...I am with Why Mom Drinks Rum on this one. That is how I roll in Moxie Land and there's not much my hubs can do but roll his eyes when I share with the world wide web my bouts with IBS.

Anonymous said...

omg i think youre like me but in parallel universe or whatever you call it.

My husband also hates that I tweet and blog. He hates it with a passion. I just tell him if I dont do it then its his head I'm cutting off. Blogging is my stress reliever.

Jennie said...

If he wants you to respect his wishes, he needs to respect your passions. If you enjoy blogging, he should support then, even if he doesn't quite understand it.

He can ask you not to write specifically about him -- that's his right -- but trying to tell you what to do past that is definitely a control issue.

Anonymous said...

I agree with BJ and why Mom drinks Rum... sounds like your hubby is a little on the controlling side... which I have no advise to give... my only experience with a husband like that ended in a very nasty divorce. Not that I saying that's what you should do... I guess just try to find out what his real 'beef' is and why he feels he has to control this part of you?? Good luck!
I found you through my blog... you visited and commented on Rufus the pup with the cleft palate... he is doing great! he is over 1 lb now and eating puppy chow like a big dog! And his cleft is growing closed!