Dinner at my round table

My family members poke fun at one another. I try to think that maybe we just toughen each other up for the hell we will catch out in the real world, but who knows?
My sister is gorgeous. Just stunning. She has light green eyes and dark, shiny hair. She has my mother's body frame, like my brother: tall, lanky, lean. She has a gorgeous-shaped face and such a pretty smile.
She doesn't like her ears. And seriously, they are not BIG by any stretch of the meaning, but, well, most people in our family make comments about her ears. To her. And she laughs. Things like:
"Hey, go out on the roof & catch a better HD signal for us, will ya?"

Also, she's a shitty speller. I mean, bad. I cring when I read her Tweets. And her Facebook updates. I mean, she tries, but sometimes, she doesn't.
So tonight at dinner, she is joking about something involving the need for a ransom note. And my hubby says: "Just make sure you pay someone else to write it."
And I crack up. And so does my mom.
My sister thumps me.
So I pass it on to my mom, considering it is her kid that thumped me.
She passes it on to my kid, who climbs off of her chair and thumps my hubby, her father.
In turn, of course, he cranks it up a notch, and thumps the shit out of my sister, who immediately squeals and turns to thump me again.
Me: "Uhh, you might want to re-think that! This will just continue around the table, and he will just thump you AGAIN!"
My hubby: "Did you hear that?"
We all laugh.
My mom tells us about some stupid thing my brother is thinking of doing.
My response: "He's your son."
My hubby: "What the hell. Where did he get this nutcake idea?"
My mom: "I don't know what to tell you. We are talking about the kid that covered every inch of his body in Nike clothing, and barely let his elbows show."
We laugh.
[My brother, from age 3 until about 9, was a picky dresser. He argued with my mother and father non-stop about what he would wear, seriously. And I have a picture of him during the particular phase of his life where he would only wear Nike, and he didn't want any of his skin to show. Just picture this: Nike hat, backwards. Nike shirt, with a long-sleeved shirt underneath. Nike basketball shorts. Nike socks, pulled up to his knees. Nike shoes. Nike laces. And the crabbiest pout EVAH.]
My mother tells us that a lady told her today that she kept getting ear infections (my girl was home today due to  a pretty shitty ear infection), and after having her ears cleaned out several times by her doctor, they finally x-rayed her. Do you know what they found? A teeny tiny seashell. She had gone to the beach 6 years prior, and somehow that got lodged in her ear. Can you imagine?
She tells us this, and I can tell by the look on her face that we are both wondering if my girl put something in her ear, something teeny, and that is why her wax won't come out, that is why her ear is impacted and infected.
My hubby: "What dork purposely puts something in their ear??"
We all laugh.
I look at my mother, give her the "Don't you dare!" look, but it's too late; it's already tumbling over her lips:
"I know someone who put Ken's tennis balls up her nose."

Me: "Nooooooooo."
My hubby: "....."
Me: "I know I've told you this before. Don't make me re-tell it."
My hubby: "Do tell."
So yeah.
I was about 2 or 3. I had the Ken & Barbie dolls that played tennis, complete with a little tennis skirt, racquets, dorky tennis shorts, and....teeny tiny tennis balls.
Can I reiterate that I was like 3??
I stuck Ken's tennis ball up my nose.
I remember my father putting me on the bathroom counter, trying to get this little ball out of my little nostril. I remember he tried a q-tip and then tweezers.
And then I remember walking through the parking lot of the hospital, going to the ER, lying down on the examination table, and hearing laughs.
I will never live down the fact that I put Ken's tennis balls up my nose.

My hubby cracks up, calls me a a dork, and my mom is in tears. My girl? Looking at me like I'm from another planet.
My sister comes to my rescue, and says to my hubby: "That's not as bad as getting your pants stuck in your braces."
Apparently the first week my sister had her braces, she bent down to tie her shoe, and her pants got caught in a bracket of her braces. As I type this, I am horse-laughing, and my hubby is staring at me over his laptop across the living room, shaking his head.

I look at my hubby and say: "So what did you do? Everyone does stupid shit like that as a kid."
My hubby: "Not me! Nothing!"
Me: staring "...."
My hubby: "I got my headgear stuck in my eye socket."
Me, my sister, my mom: "WHAT??? HOW?"
 He gets this look on his face, trying not to grin, and says "It's not funny. I could have been blinded."

My mother: "At least none of you farted in yoga."
My hubby: "And on that note, I'm out."

I would not trade these dinners for anything. I would not trade this family for anyone.


Anonymous said...

I remember my sister sticking a toy soldier up her nose when she was little and the helmet got stuck in her nose. We had to take her to the local fire department where they pulled it out. I don't remember ever doing anything like that when I was a kid...but I'm sure I did...LOL

Badass Geek said...

I once thought I could use my tongue as a spring board to flip a penny up in the air. Needless to say, I swallowed it.

262mom said...

we have laughs like that too.

we also made up fake email addrseses for each other years ago and sent hilarious emails to each other about stuff growing up.

It's cheap therapy.

Biddy said...


you guys KILL me!

Aidan Donnelley Rowley said...

This post made me laugh so hard and laughter is gold. Your family sounds amazing.

TUWABVB said...

Remind me to tell you about the time I got my hair clip stuck in a hammock on a deserted beach in Mexico and I couldn't get out until someone found me.

I think I already love your family!

lane said...

LMFAO! omg. so funnay. sooo funnaayyyy.

my fav part, natch: "at least none of you farted in yoga."


lane said...


lmfao *tears rolling*

Holly said...

OMG....your family is like magic.


Aunt Juicebox said...

OK I seriously thought you deleted your blog because for months when I clicked on the link it actually said your blog didn't exist. I was just about to delete the link and there is was!

pamela said...

your family is LIKE magic!

I;m coming over for dinner. What time should I be there? And also want me to bring cake? OK