Yoga Ninja Mama tells it like it is

wow, miss left of lost, you are one brave broad. i can't believe i get to spew my word vomit all over your precious blog. i might pee my pants from all this excitement!

anyway, there's something pressing i need to address. it's something that haunts my dreams and wakes me up in a cold sweat.

now, let me preface this confession by saying: i'm not gonna lie, i love a good bumper sticker or window decal. i may or may not showcase a select few on my bitchin' toyota corolla (whose name is weetzie bat). if you happened to be driving behind me, you may or may not know instantly that "i drive like a cullen" and that i'm a radiohead nerd, while i'm 100% behind the bumper sticker movement, i do harbor a rather passionate disdain for one particular sticker. it's big, it's yellow, it's everywhere, and it's the stuff of nightmares.

it's your "baby on board" bumper sticker. (Not Left of Lost's, but the collective, generic "your")

::::starts sweating profusely and has to lay down:::: yes, that's right, i really hate your "baby on board" bumper sticker. it is the bane of my existence. it makes me want to scratch my eyeballs out. i have to physically restrain myself from yanking you out of your car and lighting a firecracker in your ass. why? because if you have a "baby on board" sticker, i have an announcement for you: you need some excitement in your life! you know what's more exciting than your "baby on board" sticker? well, shit. i started to make a list, but i quickly realized that the easy way to sum up the answer to that question is this: EVERYTHING. FUH THE LOVE OF GAWD, everything is more exciting than your "baby on board" sticker!

the worst part about this monstrosity of a bumper sticker is that i'm not sure what the point is. should i congratulate you? should i drive by, honking and waving? is this a celebratory sticker? or is it an ugly, yellow cry for help? are you feeling chained to the diaper bag? should i offer to babysit? are you tired of wearing poop and peanut butter on your clothes day in and day out? i don't get it. help me out here. there is, of course, one way to redeem yourself from this embarrassing display of "my personality died in parenting hell and i've got this ugly piece of crap to prove it". how, you ask? by replacing your original "baby on board" sticker with this one:

just think about it. please. for the sake of humanity?

- yoga ninja mama


Fiona Picklebottom said...

I didn't know they even still had those baby on board things. So not only are those people annoying, they're hopelessly out of date.

Sarah said...

Love you YNM. Yous the shit. It was love at first sight when I read this the other day:
I used to be fucking stupid.
Then we broke up.

Chibi Jeebs said...

I hate the ones that say "doggy on board" or "super cool kid on board." But then, I'm all-around cranky today. *snarls*


shoewhoreninja said...

OMG.. to @Chibi Jeebs I think if I saw one that read "super cool kid on board" I'd have to follow them till they parked somewhere so I could 'cunt-punch' the bitch that put it on her car.. seriously. WTF?! Who does that? That poor kid.. they will inevitably be the dorkiest kid the world has ever seen...

And Ninja.. you rock socks, I love you my arm.. Can I request on the next guest post you please explain where the name 'weetzie bat' came from for your car? :) I am thinking that story will be rediculously funny. I love you! *mwah!*

Maggie @ Freckled Citizen said...

Oh I luuuuurve this.