30 DoT->Hate is a strong word

Day 01 of 30 Days of Truth-Something you hate about yourself.

I find hate to be a very strong word. And asking me to admit to something I hate about myself? Such a loaded request. I always say that I don't hate anything, and maybe that is true, maybe not. So, rather than argue about whether I truly hate something or not, let's just move on to the things I don't like about myself very much (hate): 

-I am so damn needy when it comes to a relationship with a male: I want attention! I want you to be able to read my emotions. I want you to want to spend time with me. I want you to miss me. I want you to tell me you miss me. I want you to be touchy-feely with me: let your hand lightly graze my arm, play with my hair, randomly hold my hand. 
Honestly, I don't think this is too much to ask, and also? I know that most people want these things. But I crave it so much, like a damn alcoholic craves that bottle of Jim Beam at 8am. I ache for it. And being that I'm not in a relationship at all, it's even worse. But even when I was in one, it was awful. No man likes a needy woman. No man wants a woman who craves sitting next to him on the couch all the time. I know logically that it is super-annoying, but omg, I'm needy. 
(I will never re-marry, will I? FUCK.)

-I am super-laidback, which translates into wishy-washy and indecisive: I go with the flow. If I'm hanging out with a friend, and we both decide we are hungry, I don't even care where we go to eat. So I let her decide. And when she asks me "What do you want?" and I say "I don't care", I really don't care. It's not that I don't want to make a decision. But it looks that way, doesn't it? I hate that my laid-back nature screams I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MYSELF, SO PLEASE MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME, BUT MAKE SURE YOU GIVE ME HELL FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT I WANT, FIRST, M'KAY? 
(As an aside here, if I am in the mood for something specific, like going to see an independent film, or stuffing my face with sushi, I will for sure say this when we are trying to figure out what to do with ourselves.) 

-I am forgiving. To a fault. And while that can be (and is) a wonderful quality to have as a friend/wife/mother/sibling, it is also very frustrating and upsetting to me. Because sometimes I feel like people are taking advantage of it. Because sometimes I don't want to forgive, and I actually fight myself with every fiber of my being to just be fucking pissed off and NOT forgive for once, will ya???,  but it never works. I always forgive. And then I'm angry with myself because I forgave, but it didn't really fix anything. 

-I love sleeping. Which would be fine if I didn't need a job or have a child. If I had my hammock in my backyard right now, I would be sleeping in it. 

-I am a guilty person. I am always filled with this free-floating guilt, and I attach it to the most ridiculous things, like taking a nap in the middle of the afternoon since I have no job. Who gives a shit if I take a nap? Will anyone that really knows me think that I'm a lazy jobless fuck? No. Those that know me are aware that I've applied to every job that interests me, and that I am far from lazy: I've organized my closet, I've scrubbed the bathroom floor, I've painted the bathroom walls, I've organized my personal files, I've cleared out every unnecessary file off of my computer (including the very necessary SOUND FILES, fuck).....I am far from lazy. Yet. I feel so guilt-ridden when I doze off and wake up 2 hours later. 
Oh, and the crazy doesn't end there. I feel guilty when I spend $3.52 on a coffee at Starbucks. Or when I get a pedicure, because seriously? I could just paint my toenails myself and save the $30. Better yet, I could use that $30 to buy my daughter some new craft supplies. (Btw, I haven't had a pedicure in well over a year.)  I feel guilty when I buy the bread I like, as opposed to the bread everyone else likes. I feel guilty when I look forward to time away from my daughter. Or look forward to taking a shower by myself, just so I don't have to hear "Mom, the water is too hot. Mom, I don't like the smell of your body wash. Mom, why aren't you ready to get out yet?" 

-I start things, and then don't always finish them as quickly as I planned (0h, there's the fucking GUILT again). Like, I check a book out at the library that's been on my reading list for months, read a chapter, and then....stop reading it. Not because it isn't interesting, but....just...because? Fuck of I know. It's so annoying. 
Or I will say "Yep, today is the day I call the insurance company to have my auto insurance policy put in my name only". And then...I don't do it. And I don't do it the next day. Or the next day. And there's no damn reason why. I think about doing it, but I get a bit nervous or anxious or bored, and then...well, maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Ha. 
Again, it's so damn annoying. And it makes me look wishy-washy. 

-I care what others think. I care that people think I left my marriage, since I'm the one who moved out of the house. I care that I am jobless and people might think I'm lazy. I care that people see me working at the restaurant, and they might think I'm a total loser for not having a job with my f-ing master's degree (yet, I don't think any of the people I work with there are losers). And I tell friends all the time "Who f-ing cares what other people think?", but I can't take my own advice because I DO. 


And this, folks, is why I am a walking contradiction. 
Full of guilt.


PBP Designs said...

I know where you are coming from and I totally sympathize! Do yourself a favor, tho. GO GET THE INSURANCE IN YOUR NAME ONLY!!! Been there, paid for that...big time! Cost me over $250 to get out of the joint policy because I didn't do it earlier and I had to pay his share, too.

I admire your moving out.
I admire your writing about it.
I admire the fact that you know you're a bit wishy-washy. (You wouldn't happen to be a Virgo, would you?)

Hugs and prayers!
Heck, if I can do it, you can do it.


L.C. Andersen said...

DUDE... i so feel ya! can't believe how much i identify with every one of these things.. you are not alone, dear.. and i'm glad to hear i'm not, either!

Anonymous said...

Okay, so it seems as though we were separated at birth or something, as I could have easily written every word you just did. Also, I'm not trying to call you bad names or make assumptions here - so don't get all butt hurt, por favor. And DON'T let the title offend you (like I did for so long).Here it is: CoDependent No More, by Melody Beattie. Changedmyfrickinlife. Seriously.

All these thoughts and behavior patterns (especially the forgiving and the guilt) - they all tie into one another. When you get tired of living for everyone else - read it. Just sayin.

Left of Lost said...

@PBP designs-Nope, not a virgo. I'm a pisces. :) Thus far, the insurance debacle is just that-a debacle. Luckily, there's no one saying we need it separate, since there is no divorce decree at this point. And yes, I will keep writing about this, so I stay sane. If I keep it inside, I will be more of a lunatic than I already am. :)
@LL-Oh, I love to know that I am not alone in some of these things. And sometimes these 'things' seem so random and odd, but then I get a response from someone who makes me feel less random and odd. :) Thanks for stopping by.
@thebossofu- No worries-I take no offense to the title of the book, or the label I may very well have to stick on my shirt. Sigh. I know people who are MAJORLY codependent, and I always knew I was a bit, but yeah, you're right. I will check out the book when I'm at the library next time.
Also? I do believe we may have been separated from birth after reading some of your posts. :)

Anonymous said...

Doesn't really matter what we say here, this is how you feel about yourself. What we see or know about you will never affect how you feel about yourself. That being said, I know I feel as if you are a truly wonderful person who deserves happiness. I hope you find it soon!


Alexandra said...

But, you are honest with yourself. ANd some people NEVER reach that height in their entire lives..