The intention was truly there to be silly today. To post something sassy about the Mormons who stopped me in the middle of mowing my front yard, to ask me if I wanted help, and then asked me why I thought being a Christian was "enough"? I could go super-sassy on that situation. I also intended to talk about the anthills the size of Oklahoma, Georgia, and Illinois I ran over with the mower. Have you ever ran over an anthill with a mower? Holy hell. Pretty sure there are ants in different zip codes now. Also? The fuckers bit me. Like I meant to annihilate their kingdom.

Instead, I am stuffed in the corner of my mother's couch, listening to the tick-tick of the clock in the kitchen. Watching my old lady dog dream in her sleep, snoring generously, a drop of snot about to fall off her nose onto the carpet. She moves more in her afternoon naps than she does all week long while awake. I can see the large tumor in her armpit rising and falling with her labored breathing.

I know the time is drawing near.

I can't bear it.

There are so many things I cannot bear right now.

Yet I do, every day.

I get through each day with a ton of laughs. Sincere laughs. I wear my brain out at night, job searching, writing, watching idiotic TV (Helllloooo, Jersey Shore), so that I can fold myself into bed with seconds between a final sigh and then sleep.
I have made my peace with a disasterous situation. I was pushed out of my marriage. I fought and fought, but I finally gave in. I finally just stopped fighting. To survive the hurt, I shut it all off. I moved on......finishing grad school, focusing on my girl, playing with my dogs, laughing with my mother, allowing others to flirt with me, seeking peace within my writing, my music, silence.....
And now, after all trust has been broken, after all the horrible hurtful things said have been imprinted within the deepest walls of my heart.....
....there's allegedly a chance.
A request for forgiveness.
A request to try to make things right.

I forgive, but I cannot forget. I can't scrub the imprints off of my heart. I can't block out the echoes of hurtful things in my mind, when I think of going back, of trying, of full forgiveness.

I cannot bear the hurt again.
I cannot bear the pain I will cause everyone by saying:
I cannot bear to go back.

It hurts just to type that.
How do you throw away 13 years of togetherness? How do you say awful things, how do you strike w/ your actions, and then wake up asking for another chance?
How do I bear this?

I feel as though I am sitting on the edge of something-my future, maybe?-and I'm teetering. Each word and action mean so much, yet, mean nothing.

Here I sit.
The clock continues to tick-tick.
My old lady dog has gone silent in her sleep. I have to touch her with my foot to be sure she is breathing.
I hold my hand to my chest.
I am still breathing.


Jenny Grace said...

I love you sweetness.

Mary said...

This is my first time here, but I completely relate to what you're saying. For me it was 7 years.

And I chose not to take that chance. Instead, I chose to look myself in the eye and figure out who the heck I am. Because after 7 years of marriage, 9 years together and two kids, I didn't know anymore.

It's tough. But my life now, 13 years later, is wonderful. My ex is my friend (500 miles distant), I'm ten years into my second (much healthier) marriage, and my kids are adults. Life has been an adventure, but never dull.

Whatever you decide, my only advice would be - make sure you know and love the woman who looks back at you in the mirror.

262mom said...

I don't think that you are teetering.You are a smart girl, tougher than they come. The 'teeter' is just that feeling of the world looking back you thinking OH HAIL HERE SHE COMES!


Chibi said...

Oh, dear heart. I have a little bit of an idea how much this has all hurt you: that being said, I can't even fathom what this newest development does and understand why you feel you just can't. Totally get why.

Love you.

Singer said...

I just love the way you write and can so identify with your words here.

kris said...

It's always a crap-shoot, heading out into the bloggish world to read the blogs of my readers. I love all of my readers, but I do not love all of their words. Sigh.


Don't tell.

So I am making the rounds this morning, and I clicked on your link in my comments. You're a new visitor over at my house, and I decided to check you out.

And you have magic.

Oh, I love when that happens.

The ability to use words to paint me a picture . . . of your life, your emotions, your heart, your fears. That is awesome magic.

I do not know you well enough to comment on your situation.

But your talent here?

That's huge, babe.

In case you were wondering.

TUWABVB said...

Oh honey - I wish I knew what to say to you. I know how important it is to keep your family together, but I also know how hurt you've been. I don't know the right answer here, but I'm here to listen and talk through it. Love you so much.

And so sorry about your fur-baby - you know my heart breaks for you.

JENNerilizations said...

To let back in or to keep out, there is bravery in both.

linlah said...

Teeter forward, not back.

Anonymous said...

In my opinion, one of the best posts you've ever written. And I mean that.

Sarah said...

I wish there was something I could say/do to make it better. Just know I am thinking of you.

Sarah said...

I wish there was something I could say/do to make it better. Just know I am thinking of you.