Ache

My eyes are thrown open. With my heart beating erratically, I feel the sheet wrapped around my legs, and I notice my arm asleep under my head. I glance at the alarm clock on my nightstand-- 2:53 am. Biting the inside of my lip, I realize I've been holding my breath. I let it out slowly, quietly-I do not want to wake up my husband. Although, I realize rather quickly, that probably isn't something I need to be concerned about-he is snoring, so I know he is off in his own little world, far away from me and my dreams.
Remembering that he can sleep through anything, I sit up in bed, kick the sheet off, and basically hyperventilate. I push my hand on my chest; I am trying to hold my heart in my body. It is beating so wild, I am afraid that someday it will truly break out of my chest.

I have always had vivid dreams. I can honestly say that I can remember waking from a dream when I was 7. I still remember that dream. I still remember the feeling of my heart in my chest, and the weightlessness of the dream.

My dreams intrigue me. They are artistic, original, and I often wake up thinking, 'Where the hell did that come from?' I write some of them down, because I truly believe that the novel that I hope to publish is being composed while I sleep.

But my dreams also scare me. For years, I have dreamt of animals chasing me. Alligators, tigers, lions, snakes. These dreams always preceded an episode with my heart. I caught on soon enough, and when I woke from one of these nightmares, I would know to watch my activity for the next day or so, to watch my heartrate. I would spend hours out of the day focusing on the thump-thomp of my heart, counting each beat, praying that it wouldn't happen again. But it always did. So, those dreams were annoying in sleep, but painful in the awakening.

I have dreams of places I have never been in real life. Over and over. I visit several places in my dreams, year after year. I wonder if I will go to these places some day. Just last week, while driving between Granbury and Weatherford, on a road I have never been on, I passed 5 or 6 houses, and got the most awful feeling of deja vu. I had a dream almost a year ago-I was trying to hide from some very scary guys, and I was trying to get my girl up into the attic of this house. I remember the layout of the house, the yard, and the surrounding area. When I passed those houses, I knew these were the houses from my dream. It was so odd, so surreal.

I have recurring dreams about certain people. Year after year. It's a different variation of the same dream. When I wake up, I know I need to call or email the person, just to check on them. If I am not in touch with them anymore, I pray for them. A wise friend of mine told me that oftentimes, He puts dreams in our heads of a person who is going through something, and needs our thoughts and prayers. So I pray.

However, I would have to say the worst dreams I have are those about people that are no longer in my life. Lost loves. People that I let slip away. Or people I slipped away from on my own. These are the most heartbreaking for me. These are the dreams I wake from with the sheet wrapped around my legs, and I find that I cannot breathe.

Once I catch my breath, my mind races. Why am I dreaming about him? What the hell does that mean? Where the hell is he? Why the f* is he in my head??

Inevitably, I get angry. After all these years, my heart and mind still betray me. They let him in at my weakest, when my back is turned. I am resting, preparing for another day. And once he's been let in, it is days before my heart and mind let him go. He gets caught in the memories I have of us. He dusts off spaces in my heart that have not been touched in years. He gets comfortable- with every song I hear that has a memory of 'us' attached to it, with every book I see that we talked about, every place we visited, with every spot on my body that his lips touched. I cannot free myself of him. It is maddening.

I know that I no longer love him. I haven't for years. All these memories? It's like I read them in a book; it doesn't even feel like it was me who made those memories. It's like it never really happened. I can go weeks, months, seasons, without thinking of him. But then the dreams hit me, smack the shit out of me while I'm sleeping next to the actual man that I love, the wonderful man that I married.

My brain is assaulted with things I have not thought of in so long. Memories that are so close to my heart. Things that strike a nerve, a nerve well-healed and protected.
I am forced to think of what he is doing now. Who he married. Where he lives. Who he chose over me. What he chose over me.
I am forced to replay in my head the times he made me laugh, the times he made me cry, the things I said, did, and gave up for him.
I am forced to wish that I could, for just one minute, get back the me I was back then. The me that was much more laidback, free-flowing, intimate, sensitive, and full.

Sometimes I cry. But very rarely. Mostly I get all nostalgic, but with clenched fists.

It has taken me years to realize that it is not the person that I miss or love when I wake up from these dreams. It is not his arms, his lips, the whisper of his voice in the dark. It is not even the things that he showed me, taught me, shared with me. It is:

The feeling of total love and adoration by another person.
The feeling of being accepted no matter what.
The feeling of being in love.

It is my feelings that I miss. My feelings that are attached to my memories of him. It is not him. He may have showed me how to be patient. He may have showed me that in a moment of weakness, you can lay it all on the line, and still be strong. He may have touched my heart, touched my life. He may have branded my soul with things he said. But it is not him that I miss. It is my feelings.

Does this mean that I don't have feelings now? Or that I don't love my husband, my life, the feelings I have now? No, I don't think so. I would not trade my life for anything. By doing so, I would be negating the blessing that is my daughter. But I would be lying if I said that I don't lie awake after these dreams, wondering what might have been if I had chosen another path, if I hadn't returned that phone call, if I had forgiven him one more time. Who then, would I be dreaming of?

ABC's of Me

I totally stole this from Sarah over at Sensibly Sassy. I love this girl! I think we could be really good friends, and her insight blows me away. Anyway, here goes:

A - Age: 30

B - Band listening to right now: Blue October. I know, I know, I listen to them all the time. But I love them!!!

C - Career future: Near future-getting my master's in Social Work, and I'm getting interested in maybe working in the criminal justice area of social work. Or the courts. Or in a hospital. Or with the elderly. Or...you get my point. I am so freakin' excited about the prospects! Long term: I will be opening a transitional living center for teen boys aging out of the foster care system.

D - Dad’s name: James

E - Easiest person to talk to: Kristy or Jill or my mom

F - Favorite type of shoe: sexy shoes that don't make me look shorter than I already am! Like these!

G – Grapes or Grapefruit: Grapes! I do not like grapefruit at all!

H – Hometown: Wantagh, New York, but also: lived in Fort Worth, Texas since I was seven

I – Instrumental talent: Clarinet My great-grandfather taught me

J – Juice of choice: OMG. Definitely orange peach

K – Koala Bear or Panda Bear: Panda

L - Longest car ride ever: Driving from Long Island to Fort Worth, Texas when we moved here.

M – Middle name: Lee

N - Number of jobs you’ve had: Seriously? You want me to count them? I think I'm on my 12th job. Most were restaurant jobs from the time I was 12 until I graduated from college.

O- OCD traits: I hate for my shoes (or anyone else's) to be lying all over the house.

P - Phobia[s]: Falling, like if I were to sky-dive. Makes my heart bounce all over the place just thinking about it!

Q - Quote: To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world.

R - Reason to smile: My daughter is silly, just like me. My husband is a sweetheart under all that armour. My brother lives with me. OBAMA WON.

T - Time you wake up: 7:30 on weekdays, 8:30 on weekends

U - Unknown fact about me: I had heart surgery in 2003.

V - Vegetable you hate: I like them all.

W - Worst habit: leaving dishes in the sink

X - X-rays you’ve had: teeth, back, neck, chest (over and over and over-See Letter 'U')

Y - Yummiest food my belly likes: Italian!

Z - Zodiac sign: Pisces

Feel free to steal this from me & tell us a little bit more about yourself. :0)

Happy Friday!

Where I go off on my radical-thinking adjunct professor (and mean no disrespect!)

I have a professor this semester that really gets my blood flowing at times, and not in a good way. The class is Human Behavior. So yeah, I get that everyone is different, and I'm pretty accepting (hello-I'm a social worker for crying out loud!!!), but this? A bit overboard for me.
I'd like to think that it has to do with the time of day. I am at my most tired between 3 and 4pm each day. I just sorta fall off the energy cliff, and crash. Hard. So maybe my patience wears thin during that time? OR maybe she is just batshit crazy. Take your pick.

First, several weeks ago, she showed us this movie. Or click on the link to the guestbook, and read some of those entries. Navigate your normal ass through that website. I'll wait.

Yeah. So? What did you think? Sorta Scientology sounding, huh? Okay, really, if you have absolutely nothing to do on a Friday night, try to rent this movie. I don't even know if that's possible, but I'm telling you, your head will explode.

Now, I'm not knocking Scientology, or quantum physics, or different religions or ways of thinking. I'm just trying to figure out why the frick she made us watch this???

Next:
She had us watch a video of women giving birth. I have a kid, I know what happens, and it doesn't bother me. Yet, she wanted us to see these women having abnormally large babies, who just so happened to get stuck while coming out. And the doctors are literally twisting these newborns' necks around, and yanking on their heads!! And her point? During birth, babies necks and spines go through a lot of trauma, so you should go get your baby an adjustment from your friendly chiropractor after birth.

Next up:
This one really touched a nerve. WE need to think positive thoughts, put positive thoughts out in the universe. If not, we run the risk of awful consequences, like cancer, for instance. I mean, her mother died of cancer, and she knows that it was her mother's anger eating away at her, her negative thoughts, that caused the cancer to finally overtake her.

Are.you.f-ing.kidding.me???

Oh, wait. It gets better.

This week:
She says that she thinks that people who are diagnosed with Alzheimer's are just making the conscious decision to 'check out' of reality because they don't enjoy getting old. When several people argued this with her, she backpedaled, saying it was 'just one theory' and 'not necessarily what she believed'. Although, by now, well over 2 months into this class, we all know it IS what she believes.

Also this week:
We were discussing various stages of live-adolescence, adulthood, later adulthood, etc. She brings up incontinence as an issue for older people. Then she proceeds to DRAW A PICTURE OF THE FEMALE ANATOMY on the board, and tells us, step by step, how to do Kegel exercises so that we can strengthen those muscles. She even asks if any of us do them regularly.

Oh. Wait! Just wait.

Lastly, she starts discussing Viagra, and the growing numbers of prescriptions for it. She asks us if it's because men want to feel that strength and power that comes along with an erection.

No. Really. REALLY.

I'm telling you, I am tolerant, I am patient, I am easy going. But I just do not get why the frick she talks about this shit, every week, like we are in health class, or development, or...I just don't even know!!!!! I am paying good money for this class, and it's just become a lesson in patience. I'll show you human behavior, lady! Sheesh.

Rant over.

My little fairy

October pictures, for your viewing pleasure.

That's my sister with my girl & the lovely couple.

She's doing the 'Arrrg! I'm a pirate!' face

Yes, my kid is the one that wears her dress-up outside!

The President!, the dress, the haircut, the gift to myself, the fiasco of 2008

First off, can I just say SQUEEEEEE! I am estatic about the election of Barack Obama. Regardless of whether you consider yourself a Republican or Democrat, you have to at least see that history has been made in this country, due to this election. It is fantastic. I am proud, excited, shocked, numb, and so very hopeful.
Would I have been all of those things if McCain won? Yes. Because I feel that both candidates had a wealth of information and experience to offer to our country. But I am more proud, more excited, more hopeful with Obama. This is history in the making. I don't even know what else to say!

**************

Alright, I promised a picture of the coveted dress. I give you fair warning, I am all boobs, I swear. It is so damn annoying! My hubby says I look all scrunched up and frilly. Whatev.


I promise I'll post better pictures of this, after I'm done dealing with the house fiasco.



And lucky you, you get to see my haircut (which is now about 6 weeks old!) in the picture.

Next: The gorgeous bracelet I wore around the store for a good 45 minutes before I bought it. Again, my hubby says I am frilly. I am sure someone thinks it's gaudy, but I love it!

I am now calling this debacle with my house the Fiasco of 2008. They are going to have to gut my entire kitchen. The kitchen that is in the very center of my house. The kitchen that is all wood floors. And with the holidays coming up, along with the extent of the damage, they are saying it will be a good 2 months before it's done. And, it's bad enough that we have to move out. Soooooooo.....we will be moving all of our major things to a house that we are going to rent about 5 minutes from here. I was hoping for an apartment or condo or something, but this seems to be the best option for the time being. Soooooo, yeah.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and support! We will make it through this, I am sure. I am thinking of it as a random adventure, so maybe that's why I am relatively okay with it all? I don't know. I am so thankful that we have good homeowner's insurance, and a good relationship with builders in the area, who are willing to open up their empty homes to us.

Anyone want to take a guess on just when I will be back in my house?? I'm taking a guess and going with January 18th, 2009. Maybe I should have some sort of silly contest?

Why this Monday sucked more than any other Monday EVER

Well, if you have been sucked in by Twitter like I have, you saw my Twits/Tweets all day. If not, here it is in a nutshell:

Came home from the deer lease yesterday afternoon. Garage floor full of water. Thought maybe, just maybe it was our old fridge out in the garage, that tends to piss on the floor every once in awhile, although I had the thought that the fridge did more than piss. Anyway, then I go inside, and sit down on my girl's bedroom floor. It didn't feel wet, but when I sat on it, my pants started to get wet. Odd.

Then, later, I open the fridge and it is full of water. About an inch in each of the drawers, on all the shelves, and all in the bottom. WTF? Super odd.

Then I go into my closet, which is on the other side of the wall where my fridge is, and the carpet is soaking wet. By this time, I think I must be off my f-ing rocker. What the hell is going on here?

I take a closer look at all the walls, baseboards, and door frames. Lots of bubbling paint, lots of baseboards pulling away from the walls. Hard to explain, but if you are looking down on my house, the garage is in the lower left-hand corner, master bedroom in upper left, kitchen & dining basically in the middle of the house, living room in upper right, and other bedrooms and bathroom in lower right. The living room is not wet at all. The very front bedroom is not wet. It's just really odd.

I had to cancel going to a friend's pizza party at her home, which upset me and my girl. We were sooo looking forward to it. I spent an hour cleaning up the inside of the fridge. That's when the wood floor (which makes up most of my house) started to buckle and curl. My husband came home; we checked the water meter, checked the fire sprinkler system, check the AC, the water heating system, the washer, etc.

This morning the plumber and home builder came over. At the same time, I opened my fridge. Guess what? It was full of water again!!! And overnight, more of the floor started to buckle, and my bedroom carpet became pretty damn wet. It was getting worse.

(By the way, just a little sidenote: my house is just at one year old!!!)

Here's what we know for sure: our damn fridge has a leak in a valve. It leaks about every 10 seconds, and it's near the back of the fridge. The water never pooled; it looks like it just seeped into the wood floor. It is nothing we did wrong, nor the builder or plumber. So far, this fricking fridge has caused all this.

The restoration company came this evening. We have 4 de-humidifiers. We have over 20 industrial fans blowing. They did testing on all the walls, floors, and baseboards. They put tape where the water damage is. It's unreal. We are talking 18 inches up the sheetrock in the living room. 2 foot in the dining room. They pulled the entire pad up under the carpet in my bedroom, my closet, and my girl's room. My house sounds like the f-ing Windy City.

Depending on how much of the floor needs to be replaced, they may very well have to rip out our kitchen cabinets, since they were built on top of the floor. They are already splitting at the bottom anyway.

The insurance guy comes tomorrow. We have a friend who is a homebuilder, and actually built some of the homes in our neighborhood. We are probably going to rent a home from him, while everything is being fixed. We are being told it will probably take about 2 months, not counting the time off during the holidays. Lovely. F-ing lovely.

Tonight we are debating on sleeping in this wind storm of a house, or going to a hotel. Tonight I sit on my couch drinking a bottle of wine (yes, I said bottle). Tomorrow we debate putting our shit in a POD and moving to an apartment, or walking our shit down the street and renting another house while this gets fixed.

So, tell me, how was your Monday??

A-hunting we will go

My girl and I are off to the deer lease this morning. I am sorta tired of neither one of us seeing my hubby all weekend, every weekend. So, off to the deer lease. Weeeee!
Actually, I think it will be fun. He has a really nice camper, and somehow he and his friend rigged the satellite up, so we actually get to watch fun TV! (We will totally be watching the Texas v. Texas Tech game tonight! I don't really care who wins; I love both schools.) I'm bringing a book, lots of snacks, and toys for my girl. The only downside? My hubby said he killed a copperhead last night, right around the corner from the camper. Ick. Don't get me started on the snack stories from when I lived in Springtown! I'm telling you, that place taught me a lot about the crazy-ass creatures we've got hanging around!

I will post pics of my fairy princess on Sunday. Oh, and the lovely, gorgeous dress that I sooooo bought on Friday!