If ever I wanted to 'get away', now would be the time. I think.

So, if you saw my tweets yesterday, my hubby hurt his back Wednesday night. We spent the night discussing how we were getting him to the hospital (after we discussed ACTUALLY GETTING HIM TO GO to the hospital). Then we fell asleep. Then I woke up to him on the floor, because he tried to get up and realized he couldn't walk. Anyway, so we spent yesterday morning in the hospital and came home with some strong-ass drugs. Making a doctor appt. for next week, to give his back time to RELAX. A strained or torn muscle in his lower back, due to being superman and taking our brand-new elliptical machine out of the back of his lifted truck BY HIMSELF. *grits teeth*
He doesn't like being out of control, or needing to ask for help. But I have to say I am proud of him. For the most part, he was okay with my doing everything for him, he was sweet, and we got into a little groove yesterday, and I felt like I could do this if I had to, ya know? But then he started telling me he was going to drive his ass to work today and move the elliptical machine into the house and maybe a handjob would make him feel better?, and then I was just done with him.

Because of said hubby- injury, I didn't go to Shauna's book-signing last night, and it made me sad.


And then I discovered that a large portion of my paperwork from my internship was on the zip drive that no longer works, and I was supposed to email it to my prof by today, so now I'm having to re-do some of it, and that does not make me happy at all.


And then we realized our TV won't turn on. Actually, we realized this on Wednesday, but that's not the point. The point is that I was hoping it would just miraculously fix itself while we were at the hospital. But it didn't. It won't turn on. Yet the light is on, so I know it has power going to it. What the hell? So, unless we get someone out to look at it TODAY, we will all be sitting on my bed watching TV tonight and Sunday night. Lovely. I don't like sleeping on crumbs, because TV and food go hand-in-hand in my house.

And then my Daisy's eye infection didn't miraculously fix itself. So we are going to the vet today. Seriously, she is the most.expensive.dog.ever. And while I'm on the subject of canines, I found out last night that we should be getting a phone call SOON, for a home visit, which is the next step in this adopting-a-boxer process. As I folded laundry last night, it occurred to me, that by this time next month, I could have another dog in my house. And it sorta freaked me out a bit. Not that I don't want another dog (because I really, really do), but because....well, maybe it would really really make me realize that my Kooter dog won't ever be back. Sigh. After 7 months, I still feel awful when I think of him, so filled with guilt & loneliness.

And then I rented my textbooks for this semester, and the total was 450 bucks. Seriously? Jeez.

And then I got on the scale last night. Am I a glutton, or what? Apparently I am, according to the scale. I just stood there and said 'fuck' a few times. I'm seriously considering using my elliptical machine in it's current location (in the garage) in spite of our 100 degree days around here. More sweat=more calories burned, right? RIGHT?

And then I realized that my time off from school ends on the 24th. Seriously? This has been the shortest summer ever.

And then I looked at my not-updated resume and did a few searches for jobs, and I wanted to cry. Just thinking about how I'm going to work all of this out makes me get all panicky & frazzled. Lovely.

And I'm not even going to mention (more than I already did on Twitter) the incident involving a wet fart & my favorite undies.

And then I realized it's Friday and squeee! Not that I have a thing planned, other than caring for my hubby & going batshit crazy from my 4 year old's non-stop bossiness, but whew, the weekend just sounds lovely in theory, doesn't it?

So, tell me what you have going on, so I can SERIOUSLY stop thinking about my shit.

Changes are acoming

Change is difficult. It is frustrating, scary, and sometimes exhilarating, depending on the circumstances. I consider myself a flexible, 'go with the flow' type of girl, for the most part. Of course, I like some of my life to be routine (like the 4 year old's bedtime, for instance, or my showers), but I usually welcome change. It means, to me, that there's another layer to life, that the twists and turns are making me a bit more complex and human.



I've got some good changes going on, that I want to share:

1.I'm starting my 2nd year of grad school in 2 weeks. Am excited, but give me a few weeks, and I'll be a ball of nerves again. Am getting worried about how this all is gonna work out (see below), and worry that I won't get this done in the 3 years alloted to me.

2.We bought an elliptical machine, and I am SO getting my ass on it for an hour, 5 days a week, for the next 30 days, and I'm going to keep track of my measurements. I will post later this week, maybe. Hmmmm. Of course, we will have to figure out how to get the damn thing in the house, since hubby hurt his back trying to do it himself.

3.We are in the process of adopting a dog. My Daisy can't go on this way for much longer. She is so very down and lonely, and also? We miss having 2 dogs in our lives too. My girl still cries for my Kooter dog, and I still ache for him at random times (like when I watch sad movies and bust out crying-he always consoled me). I will most definitely be one of those ladies when I get older-the one with 7 dogs-and I will be in absolute bliss. The adoption process is pretty annoying; I think it might be a tad easier to adopt a baby, but we are going through the motions, and I hope, hope, *HOPE* to have good news soon. A couple of you have seen the pictures of the specific doggie we are gunning for. I am trying to keep that information off of here until it's official, for the simple fact that I feel like I will jinx myself if I tell you his name and let you see his sweet face. But for now, let me just say that when I read his profile, I started to choke up, and his eyes made me think of my Kooter dog, and I just knew he was the one I wanted to bring home. So. We will see.

4.This last one, I'm flipping out a little bit. I mean, seriously. My stress level has gone up about 5000% percent, and I've thought a lot about whether I really want to post about it or not. Not because I don't want to share with you, but because I'm feeling a little superstitious and I really don't want to jinx anything, or upset anyone.

We all know the economy is batshit crazy right now. My hubby owns his own company, and it's in the construction industry. Things have slowed down. He's laid people off. We've downsized as much as we can, and he is considering moving the office/shop to another cheaper building. The stress of waiting for the phone to ring, with someone on the other end telling him he was awarded another job...it's brutal. The waiting really is the worst part, isn't it?

Anyway, I'm not sure how much worse it's gonna get. But at this very moment, it is bad enough that I am looking for another job, one that will HOPEFULLY provide benefits, and give us some stable income. Not sure how this is going to impact my school schedule, or my 2nd internship that I should be doing in the Spring, or my time with my girl, or my time to see friends, or my time to read, write, blog....I have no f-ing idea what is going to happen right now, and for once, I am really nervous. I think part of the panic is because the media really gives us both ends of the spectrum in terms of the economy (it's 'gonna get worse' or 'it's hit the up-turn'), and normally I try to ignore the back and forth shit that the media feeds us...I try not to feed into the hysteria, but I gotta be honest, interwebs, I am freaking the fuck out over here.

My hubby has put in 4 and a half years of hard-ass work...long ass hours, nights where he didn't come home at all...my girl spent a ton of fucking time without her Daddy, because he was busting his ass to make this work. I spent a large portion of my pregnancy alone, in the middle of 23 fucking acres. I spent a large portion of my girl's newborn months alone, because he was busting his ass. And he has been so damn successful; I am incredibly proud of him. He is such a hard worker, he is so amazingly smart when it comes to being successful. And although all the time away from us has sucked, it was worth it. Which is why I am freaking the fuck out right now. I don't want all that to be wasted. I don't want him to have to compromise his work, his ethic, his success, to make ends meet. Also? I see the stress in his face, and I hate it for him. I worry about him so much....I wake up in the middle of the night to find him wide awake. My husband, the one that falls asleep anywhere, even behind the wheel. I'm trying to be easy going, happy go lucky, laid back, for his sake, but omg, people, I'm freaking out. I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror and I think "Holy shit-I don't look like someone who has her shit together right now". And I guess I don't.

My final fear associated with all of this, and really at the bottom of the list, is my depression. I haven't yet talked about that here, not really. But it runs in my family, and quite simply, I've been struggling on and off with it since I gave birth 4 years ago. I find myself being irritated, short-fused, annoyed, tired, achy, hopeless, etc. more often lately, and I don't know if it is all just associated with the stress of my life right now, or if it's the depression creeping back in. Sorta hard to sort out. Plus, I'm so tired, who even has the patience or energy to TRY to sort it out?!

I'm in deep over here. I don't like to write woe-is-me posts. I don't like to whine or complain when I know things could be much much worse. I don't like people to think I'm looking for sympathy. I also don't know how to end posts like this, so...yeah.

Music Lover Monday

This song gives me goosebumps. I'm not sure if it's because it sounds like Radiohead, or if it's because I think of Seven Pounds every time I hear it now.

Feeling good by Muse

A spot in the shade

My hammock looks so lonely without me, doesn't it? And my books? Ah, my books. They miss the hammock as well. I'm going to have to get them together soon.

And I miss my books. Omg, do I miss my books. I secretly started The Time Traveler's Wife a couple of days ago (even though I still have a couple days left of the semester), just so I can go see the movie. I'm totally riveted. That book is so incredible.

These books are calling my name, and it is taking everything in me to not just go batshit crazy on Amazon right now:

The Cracker Queen by Lauretta Hannon

Letters to a Young Sister by Hill Harper

Because I am Furniture by Thalia Chaltas (Young Adult, but sounds empowering)

The Lost Country by William Gay

I'm Down: A Memoir by Mishna Wolff

Broken: A Love Story by Lisa Jones

Brooklyn by Colm Toibin

So Long at the Fair by Christina Schwarz

The Way Home by George Pelecanos

Rage Against the Meshugenah by Danny Evans (I was so excited to buy this book! Congrats Danny! And if you don't read Danny's blog by now, shame on you!)

Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom

I see you everywhere by Julia Glass

And books that I just finished, that you might want to pick up soon:

The Wednesday Letters by Jason Wright

Sleep Toward Heaven by Amanda Eyre Ward (This book stayed with me for several days, getting wrapped around me like a sheet on my bed)

Love Stories in this Town by Amanda Eyre Ward (This book ended too soon! I wanted more stories!)

Now, it's pretty obvious that I'm a book whore, and that I don't really need any book recommendations, but! please! tell! me! what! you! have! read! and! loved! recently! Please?

Wordless Wednesday (with a few words tossed in for good measure)

[I need to be exercising]

Instead, I am writing my last paper of the summer, cussing at my dead phone (Seriously, what the hell am I going to do w/out my phone all day? It's dead DEAD, like, someone came and sucked the life out of it, so guess who has to go get it replaced today??? FML), and thinking about lunch.

Two open letters to two separate people about two different things

[Begin rant]

Dear I-know -what- you -did -that- drunken -night- several- years -ago:

We aren't really that close. In fact, I haven't talked to you on the phone in a good two years, nor have we hung out or even seen one another. You have a child now, that just turned one, that I've never met. You've seen my girl twice, and she's 4. So, are we really friends? Probably not.

That being said, we had some good times together. Remember the time I drove home tipsy from the bar and backed into that parked car? How about the time we went drinking downtown, and some girl passed out, fell, and cracked her head on the steps of a club, and I bent over to help her, and you called me a 'heroooooo'? What about all the times I had to basically carry you to your car, over served, and we giggled the whole way home? How about the time we made out?

Oh. Wait.

Did I just say that out loud?

Oh, yes, YES I DID.

See, here's my issue: I saw your Facebook page. I saw the funny ha-ha jokes about girls who make out with other girls, about lesbians, your comments about how disgusting that is....
Yet...
Yeah, you want to forget that night happened, don't you? As I recall, the next day, hungover and pale, you came over to 'talk' with me, saying you didn't know what came over you, that it would never happen again, that you were hammered. But it did. More than once.
That's totally fine. I don't see what the big deal is anyway.
But to totally act like it's disgusting and 'gross in a gross way'? Seriously?

Out of all of it, I think I can't be your friend because you aren't honest with yourself OR others.

Sincerely,
The girl you kissed

*********

Dear Sweet woman who has gone through an awful loss-

I met you online, via blogging, just like I have so many other wonderful women. Your story moved me. Your past saddened me, but out of the wreckage, it seemed, had come this wonderfully strong woman who was doing her best at being a good mother. We commented on one another's posts, emailed back and forth, and at some point, exchanged phone numbers. You had no problem giving me your cell phone number.
We never talked on the phone, although I'm not sure why.
I sent you a birthday card. You had no problem giving me your home address.

You found out you were pregnant, and I 'squeeeeeee'-ed about it constantly. I started thinking about the sweet little things I would buy on Etsy for your sweet baby, although I knew I probably wouldn't meet you or your children for awhile, since you live a couple of states away.

You found out your child would not live long once out of your womb, and I was heart stricken. I emailed you, commented on your painful posts, prayed, prayed, prayed. You shared a lot on your blog about this pregnancy, about your pain, your worry, your anger. You shared a lot. You had tons of new followers, people who had heard about you, and were now following your story.

I prayed nightly for a woman I didn't know. I prayed for peace for your family, for a miracle for your unborn child. When I couldn't sleep, I thought about your and your family.
You included me in your personal emails to your friends and family; you emailed me. I thought this meant you considered me a friend? I am not sure how else I could have shown you that I could be a friend, an IRL friend, not just someone online, faceless and hidden.

The night before you were to give birth, you sent another email out to all of your friends and family, and again included me.

The day you were to give birth, I woke up early to pray. I called a very close friend of mine, and asked him to pray for you and your family. I went to class, but was distracted, wondering about you, if you were okay, if your baby had been born. You said you may update your blog the day of the birth, so I checked a couple of times throughout the day. I prayed.

That night, feeling worried for you, I hit "reply all" to your family & friends email, two short sentences asking if anyone had heard from you, if you were okay; I was worried. I did not ask about the baby. I didn't not ask for details. I was simply worried about you; how were you holding up?

Two people replied rather quickly, telling me more than I asked for. I thanked them both for letting me know that you were as okay as you could possibly be in this situation.

A few days later, you texted me, telling me you were upset with me for contacting your friends and family. I apologized, although, I must admit, I was confused. You were angry, obviously, angry that I had 'intruded'. You felt that I was forcing you to talk about something you weren't ready to talk about-the birth. I explained that I was sincerely just worried about my friend, YOU, and had not even asked about the baby. I wasn't your friend for the sake of the drama. I was your friend because that's what I do.

Later that day, you posted, and I commented. Immediately, you emailed me, asking me to stay away from your blog, to not comment any longer, that you are a private person and didn't feel comfortable with my intrusion, although you "knew" I was just trying to be nice.

Can I say that it really hurt my feelings? Can I say that I sat there in front of my laptop for awhile, typing reply after reply that I deleted? Can I say that I emailed your email to a couple of very close friends, asking them for feedback? Was I overbearing, inappropriate, intruding?

I chalked it up to your grief. I felt that it wasn't really fair to me for you to do this, but I totally understood that you were going through something no one should have to go through. I prayed about it, I found patience in spite of my hurt feelings.

I gave you your space. I never replied to your email.

I continued to pray for you.

My feelings stopped being hurt after awhile.

I went to your blog a couple of weeks ago, because I had dreamt of you. You were on my mind. So I went to your blog. I won't bother to tell you what I read; it doesn't even matter anymore.
But what upset me was this: you made mention of deciding that there were people you didn't want in your life. And I had a feeling you might mean me, since it's been several months since we've had any contact. And?

It pissed me right off.

I'm still pissed. I take offense to you honestly feeling that I was intruding by trying to see if you were okay. I take offense that you say you are a private person, that you felt uncomfortable with my concern. How can you honestly say that to me? Do I look dumb? Do I look like someone who will fall for that bullshit line? You have a blog; you can't possibly be that private. You shared intimate feelings and experiences on your blog; not to a few readers, but to several dozen. You included me in your private emails to your family and friends, yet told me more than once that you didn't even know me; that I didn't even know you. And even after you told me you wanted space, you obviously continued to share your very private story online.

Honestly, I am happy that you have such good readership; it means that there are many who are praying for you, hoping good things for you.But I just don't get it. I just don't get the real reasoning behind being rude and hurtful towards me, and basically shutting me out.

At this point, I see that my time as a friend to you is over. That maybe I was only needed to pray for you during that time; there will be nothing else. And I'm fine with that; I really am.
But I simply want you to know, that if you truly believe that we didn't know one another, than you can be pretty confident in thinking that I treat my friends better than I treat my acquaintances. Because, by your line of thinking, we weren't friends, merely online acquaintances. And look how much time and effort and tears I put into you, this acquaintance.

I mean no harm to anyone that I meet and I am fiercely loyal to my friends, whether they are IRL or only online. I am sorry you thought I wasn't a friend; I guess I was mistaken. However, I am not sorry that I tried to be your friend, although I learned a valuable lesson in this, and am now only putting my heart, my time, my loyalty in friendships where the feeling is obviously mutual.

Good luck to you. May you find peace in your life.

Sincerely,
Someone who could have been a friend

[End rant]

Music Lover Monday

Today's songs are girly, lovey-dovey, sweet. Musically, I'm sorta in that mood right now. Sara Bareilles has some awesome songs, and I found Missy Higgins via Amazon's free downloads.


Night Minds by Missy Higgins



One Sweet Love by Sara Bareilles