Oh where, oh where has my skinny ass gone?

First, let me say that I have never in my life had a skinny ass. I have had a ghetto booty most of my life. I have naked pictures of my 2 year old butt to prove it. But I was fine with it, really. It was firm, it was pretty, it was cottage cheese-free. Too much info for you? So really, I guess what I'm wondering about is why the hell my love handles have wrapped around my entire waist. So, let me just re-title this 'Oh where, oh where has my little waist gone?' for all intents and purposes.
I digress.
Although I am not a Texan by birth, I have been here since I was 7. I am a Yankee at heart, but I do love some seemingly Southern things, namely, the rodeo. My hubby bought tickets to the rodeo, and I've known about it for over a week, but I guess I have subconsciously been avoiding the fact that I will need to find something to wear.
I have 5 pairs of jeans on a shelf in my closet, that I used to wear a looooooong time ago. 4 pairs are Rockies, and 1 is a pair of very comfy Wranglers. I haven't worn them since the last time I went to Hunter's Extravaganza, which was prior to my child being conceived, born, or even thought of. Seriously, I last wore them in 2003. Seriously.
And when I wore them that time, I remember standing in my closet and staring at them on the shelf, just trying to will them to fit me. And lucky me-2 of the 5 fit me.
Well, last night I went into the closet and tried the staring-willing thing again. Did it work?
Not so much.
My daughter came in as I was bouncing around the closet on one leg, sucking it in, holding my breath, and pleading silently.
Then, my husband shows up behind her.
Great, just what I need is an audience to watch me be embarrassed about this state of affairs.
My husband, the funny guy that he is, says to my girl:
'Watch out honey. You don't want to lose an eye when that button pops off Mommy's jeans.'

You funny, funny man.

So, 4 out of the 5 pairs were soooo out of the question. I couldn't even get them up my thighs. Granted, they are supposed to be tight, and I have always had a bit of an issue with jeans and my thighs. They aren't huge by any means, but they used to be muscular when I ran 4 miles every day. Now they are just blubbery from all the sweet shit I eat.
The 5th pair, the 'relaxed' pair of Wranglers were hell. I had to lie on the bed and do the whole sucking it in thing to get them buttoned. It took about 5 times. Did I mention that I had just gotten home from Chili's? (where I had just had chips, salsa, a chicken fajita pita, and a white chocolate cake thing) This should have made me feel better, but it made me feel worse, literally, because when I stood up, I had this HUGE MUFFIN TOP over my jeans, and I felt like I was going to puke.
So, today I went and bought 2 pairs of jeans, all for the rodeo. They are comfy, yet still sexy in a cowgirl kind of way, and I might not wear them all that often, but they were worth it.

So this leads me to say that I am starting the Master Cleanse of Tuesday. You might ask why I am not just starting it on Monday. Would make more sense, right?
Didn't you just see the part where I said I was going to the rodeo?? That means: funnel cakes, cotton candy, big glasses of beer. I can't possibly be expected to see and smell all of this stuff and not eat any of it. I know, I know, it would have been a great lesson in self-discipline, but I'll be honest-I don't have much discipline when it comes to avoiding sweet stuff. Sweet stuff is my downfall. It is the reason I have a muffin top in the first place.
Don't know if you have ever heard of the 'Master Cleanse', but you might have seen it on LA Ink, or you can google your little heart out, and get lots of info on it. So, for 5-10 days (I'm going to make myself do it for at least 5 days), all I can have is this concoction of water, fresh lemon juice, maple syrup (the real stuff), and Cayenne pepper. That's it. THAT'S IT.
My friend Kristy just did it. And by the 4th day, she had lost 5 lbs. She wasn't tired, she felt energized, her hair looked healthier, and she wasn't hungry. She says her tummy didn't even growl! Of course, the point is to cleanse your body of all the crap you fill it with, but the added bonus is some weight loss, because, as my mother puts it, "Didn't you know you can carry around about 20 lbs. of shit??"
The tricky thing is that you have to drink salt water in the morning. Every morning. To clear you out, so to speak. And my friend said she was running to the bathroom allll morning. I can't handle that. I mean, I have a job to go to, and I don't think my clients or co-workers would be able to ignore me as I ran to the bathroom holding my butt for the 2000th time. So, I'm going to do it at home, at night, and I'm only doing it once or twice. I will spare you those details when I blog about it later this week. So yes, I am modifying this cleanse to suit my lifestyle, which I know probably isn't right. But, whatever.
5 lbs is 5 lbs, people.

1 comment:

Kristie said...

I tried on a pair of jeans last week that I wore before I had Jackson and let's just say those bastards laughed at me as I attempted to get them over my thighs. Bastard jeans.

Good luck on the diet!