Parent FAIL (and it wasn't me this time!!)*

The other night while at the grocery store, [and by 'we' I mean my husband actually went with my girl and I. That is news all on it's own! When it was just me & him, before my girl, he would go with me on a regular basis, and it was fun to buy too many things together. Then...well hell, I don't know. I guess the honeymoon was over, he came to his senses ("WTF? I don't know any husbands who go to the grocery store with their dorky wives! F- this!"), and stopped going with me. The downside to this: I have no one to blame when I spend $100 on snacks & frozen burritos. The upside? I could go down every damn aisle at a pace similiar to a normal human being's, not Speedracer speed. But I digress...], my girl was particularly whiny. I was so relieved that she was doing this in front of her dad, so he could see that I am not exaggerating when I say she's bringing me to the edges of insanity with her whiny, demanding phase. However, I was at the edge of insanity by the time we left the store, which isn't good. Apparently, so was he (again, not good) because this is what happened:

My girl: "I want this" Holding up a pair of Ipod earphones at the check-out.
Me: "Honey, you don't even have an Ipod"
G: (cue whiny voice) "I want an Ipod! Why don't I have an Ipod? Can I have an Ipod?"
Me: "Honey, I don't even have an Ipod. You've got enough fun toys. Put it back."
G: (continue with whiny voice) "But mommmmmmmmm.....oh, can I have this?" Holding up a toy camera.

Me: "No, you have a real camera, remember?"

Hubby: "Put it back and come over here, please."

G: (whiny voice still going) "But Daddddddddddddd........I want something!"

Then she picks up some weird little toy that looks like a fuzzy worm.

G: "I want this! Paige has this! She has her own. Her mommy and daddy bought it for her. I wannnnt it!"

H: "Put it back. I don't care if her mommy & daddy bought it for her. They must love her more than we love you."


G: (whiny voice reaching epic proportions) "But....I WANT IT!"
I'm fuming, counting to ten, holding my breath, and trying not to lose my shit. I love the kid, dearly, with all that I am, but for.the.love.of.pete. make it stop.

I notice her walking away from us, holding the toy in her hands.
Me: "Honey, put it back. We aren't buying it. You can't have it unless we pay for it."

G: (serious tone, not whiny in the least) "I want it. Pay for it." She continues to walk away.
So then my husband does what all good parents would do (LMAO):
H: "We aren't buying it, so that means you are stealing it. And if you steal it, you go to jail."

G: "GO TO JAIL? The police are gonna come get me? But....will you come visit me in jail? Mommy? I'm going to jail????"
Cue uncontrollable crying that could break a serial killer's stone-cold heart, mixed with a little bit of whining, a lot of snot, and epic proportions of parental guilt.
As we walk out to the car & load the groceries, I keep giving my husband a combination of the evil eye & the wide eyed "Are-you-fucking-kidding-me-will-you-please-say-something??", to no avail. She keeps asking me if she's going to jail, if I will visit her, will the police be nice to her, and oh my god I'm going to jail?? I was having a hard time not laughing, seriously, until it continued.

We get home and she walks into the living room. She sees Daisy and takes the crying to a whole new level:

"But I will miss Daisy when I'm in jail. Can I please not go to jail?" Real, sad, gushing tears cover her face.
At that point, Daddy saved the day and explained everything to her so that she would understand the lesson. Also? I am pretty sure that if she ever does get arrested, both of us will bail her out because we would have a hard time not thinking back to this day. (Well, she would get one "Get out of jail free" card; I hope she never has to redeem that, but I can't give unlimited ones out without feeling like a true parent FAIL).
After she calmed down and got a healthy dose of loving from us, I started to worry that she might be getting sick because omg, she is never this whiny. I was exhausted afterwards. And although it wasn't me, I felt guilty and omg, who prepares us for this shit?

Help me out: Tell me your parent FAIL stories. Spread the guilt.

*I don't really feel like it was a parent FAIL, so much as a wake-up call for him to see just how she can bring you to the edge of parental insanity.


Anonymous said...

Lol! We use the jail thing all the time. Made more scary by the fact that I always tell them, "You better HOPE the police get to you before I do! You'll be wishing you were in jail...."...only for the big stuff though. LOL.

Jenny Grace said...

Maybe it's my stone cold heart, but I don't think that's a fail. I think that was pretty effective.

Manda said...

Men think they are SO SMART!! Ha ha! My kid can't talk yet, but yesterday I did turn on the Simpsons so I could finish cleaning the kitchen before giving her a bath. I wonder what effect that will have on a 9-month-old? AHHH!

Sarah said...

Don't hate me but this made me laugh.

jodifur said...

that poor girl! That is very funny though.

Kim/2 Kids said...

My parenting fails are too numerous to count. I've used the jail thing and gotten the same anxiety from my children. I think our children drive us to places we never expected, it can be so hard! Currently, I have been lying beside my sick child for two full days. I don't have a lot of empathy for her at the moment and feel like I am going to pull my hair out!

Anonymous said...

Rum: LOL. I hope I never have to use that line, but with this girl, I'm thinking it will come before her 4th birthday!

Grace: I think so too. I just felt bad. Stupid!

Manda: Ooo, the Simpsons! At least it wasn't South Park! (Although I used to love that show)

Sarah: I don't hate you! It cracked me up too!

Jodifur: I know-she has some bad parents.

Kim: Aww, poor baby! I hope she feels better, and you get some much-needed rest!

CP said...

AWESOME. Both the "her parents must love you more" AND the jail card. Pure awesome.

Dynamita said...


I don't have kids but tell your husband that my husband goes grocery shopping with me. Every week. So, now he knows one that does. ;)

TUWABVB said...

First of all, your comment about her friends' parents made me laugh out loud. Secondly, I can count on one hand the number of times my husband has accompanied me to the grocery store (it's not just that he doesn't want to come, I don't want him there either).

Honestly, I'm sorry she was so upset but I think your husband did a good thing. It might make her realize that you can't always get what you want. My mom did somethign similar to me one day and she never had a problem again!