I may have driven about 200 miles on Wednesday. I had to drive to a vendor's office to pick up some paperwork, drive 40 miles further to a courthouse to release a lien, and then drive to a contractor's office that was approximately 5 minutes from the vendor's office. So annoying.
Then to lunch w/ my sister, who decided we were going to speed date. She asked random questions, told me I was "interesting", and asked me out on a second date. Then we sang the theme song to Phineas & Ferb. I don't know.

She was killing me softly. Until she started talking to two men about 8 feet away from us. They didn't even know she was talking to them, but she totally was.

She was telling them about our mom, trying to hook them up w/ her. I was cracking up, and not quietly, so we had.to.go.right.fucking.now before I embarrassed myself.

Then we drove around to complete 7000 more errands. Then! When I was already so very done w/ driving, I had to drive back to the store to pick up something I had forgotten for my Thanksgiving cooking catastrophe (my mom put a cookie sheet in the oven, and it turned blue. No, really. Like, it was so hot it melted the potholder & my husband had to throw it out in the yard. Why? I don't know. Seemed logical at the time.)
Then! After I was really done w/ all the driving around, I had to drive to two separate Redboxs to pick up Four Christmases (freaking hilarious) and My Sister's Keeper (haven't watched it yet, but the book was fanfuckingtastic, so I'm hopeful). The 2nd Redbox was at a Walmart about 5 minutes from my house. I dragged my sister w/ me.
As soon as we walked in, people started looking at us. I asked her if I had something on my face, and she kept touching her hair. We tried to ignore it at first, but it was just creepy. I'm not talking random turn-of-the-head looks, I'm talking full-on full body turn & creepy mean stares. A teen kept following us, giving my sister looks. He would duck behind shelves and clothing racks if we turned to look at him. Creeeeepy.
And then we went to the beer aisle and there was this lone guy standing in front of the beer cooler, just staring. Like 2 feet from it. No basket, no beer in hand, no nothing. Just standing there and staring. And of course, I needed the beer he was standing in front of. He didn't even move when I said excuse me and grabbed a case in front of him. My arm actually brushed up against his and he didn't move an inch.
Then there was the drunk fucker growling at his kid in the cracker aisle (no pun intended). Bloodshot eyes, slurring his words, onery. Then there were the seemingly street bums, complete w/ long beards, dirty clothes and mismatched boots. I was so confused.
Then came the girl who may or may not have been a stripper. She was wearing little black shorts (as teeny as boyshorts undies), black kneehigh boots, and a little black top. Spikey hair, tatoos. She was actually rather attractive, but WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN WALMART DRESSED LIKE THAT??
The turning to stare at us continued, so we high-tailed it out of there. We actually ran to the car. It was just odd.
My sister is still saying she feels violated.
And the cookie sheet is still lying in the grass. Blue.

*WTFH: What the fresh hell. Yeah, that's my lame attempt at not cussing so much. I caught my kid telling the dog to shut the hell up yesterday. And then I heard her tell her doll she was sick of her shit. Yeah, I know she doesn't read my blog, but I'm trying, okay???


Chibi Jeebs said...

This may be my favourite post yet - it made me giggle numerous times! Your sister is beautiful, like HER sister. <3 I need to see a pic of the blue cookie sheet. And I assumed WTFH was just What the Fucking Hell. Because everything's better with the F-word. ;)

Sarah said...

I second Chibi here. You crack my ass up! Like, a second time...you know, cuz it already has one. HAR HAR. Anywho, I am so tempted to check for those freaky bastards on the people of walmart website. Holy Shite! (My attempt at not cussing) and your daughter telling her doll she is sick of her shit? I am still laughing my anus off.

shoewhoreninja said...

Tee hee.. WalMart creepers are worst kind of creepers! You two were 'normal' in comparison to the rest of what was lurking inside! HAHA, sounds like my WalMart! I love your blog and apologize for not commenting until now. :) I lost my shiz though when I read the line, 'Then there was the drunk fucker growling at his kid in the cracker aisle (no pun intended).' Love it!


Reminds me of the People of Walmart website... have you seen it? Crazy shit there.

Oh and I agree with the above commmenter: everything *is* better with the 'f' word.

Sounds like the crazy holidays have begun!

Badass Geek said...

All those weirdo's at Walmart and you didn't take a picture for the People Of Walmart site?

Anonymous said...

I get the same thing at Walmart. My theory is that people at Walmart are really zombies. It's just MY theory...but I'm sticking to it.

TUWABVB said...

I too immediately thought of the People of Walmart website - I think people purposely dress like a-holes just to get on that website now. Also, Wal-Mart scares me.

Biddy said...

omg you're killing me!! no picture of the blue cookie sheet in the yard? COME ON!!!

i can so hear your child telling her doll she's tired of her shit...baaahahahahaaaa