WTFH?*

I may have driven about 200 miles on Wednesday. I had to drive to a vendor's office to pick up some paperwork, drive 40 miles further to a courthouse to release a lien, and then drive to a contractor's office that was approximately 5 minutes from the vendor's office. So annoying.
Then to lunch w/ my sister, who decided we were going to speed date. She asked random questions, told me I was "interesting", and asked me out on a second date. Then we sang the theme song to Phineas & Ferb. I don't know.

She was killing me softly. Until she started talking to two men about 8 feet away from us. They didn't even know she was talking to them, but she totally was.

She was telling them about our mom, trying to hook them up w/ her. I was cracking up, and not quietly, so we had.to.go.right.fucking.now before I embarrassed myself.

Then we drove around to complete 7000 more errands. Then! When I was already so very done w/ driving, I had to drive back to the store to pick up something I had forgotten for my Thanksgiving cooking catastrophe (my mom put a cookie sheet in the oven, and it turned blue. No, really. Like, it was so hot it melted the potholder & my husband had to throw it out in the yard. Why? I don't know. Seemed logical at the time.)
Then! After I was really done w/ all the driving around, I had to drive to two separate Redboxs to pick up Four Christmases (freaking hilarious) and My Sister's Keeper (haven't watched it yet, but the book was fanfuckingtastic, so I'm hopeful). The 2nd Redbox was at a Walmart about 5 minutes from my house. I dragged my sister w/ me.
As soon as we walked in, people started looking at us. I asked her if I had something on my face, and she kept touching her hair. We tried to ignore it at first, but it was just creepy. I'm not talking random turn-of-the-head looks, I'm talking full-on full body turn & creepy mean stares. A teen kept following us, giving my sister looks. He would duck behind shelves and clothing racks if we turned to look at him. Creeeeepy.
And then we went to the beer aisle and there was this lone guy standing in front of the beer cooler, just staring. Like 2 feet from it. No basket, no beer in hand, no nothing. Just standing there and staring. And of course, I needed the beer he was standing in front of. He didn't even move when I said excuse me and grabbed a case in front of him. My arm actually brushed up against his and he didn't move an inch.
Then there was the drunk fucker growling at his kid in the cracker aisle (no pun intended). Bloodshot eyes, slurring his words, onery. Then there were the seemingly street bums, complete w/ long beards, dirty clothes and mismatched boots. I was so confused.
Then came the girl who may or may not have been a stripper. She was wearing little black shorts (as teeny as boyshorts undies), black kneehigh boots, and a little black top. Spikey hair, tatoos. She was actually rather attractive, but WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN WALMART DRESSED LIKE THAT??
The turning to stare at us continued, so we high-tailed it out of there. We actually ran to the car. It was just odd.
My sister is still saying she feels violated.
And the cookie sheet is still lying in the grass. Blue.


*WTFH: What the fresh hell. Yeah, that's my lame attempt at not cussing so much. I caught my kid telling the dog to shut the hell up yesterday. And then I heard her tell her doll she was sick of her shit. Yeah, I know she doesn't read my blog, but I'm trying, okay???

Halp!!!

My 8th wedding anniversary is coming up next week, and I'm at a loss. My husband is one of those people who, besides being a workaholic, buys something if he wants it. So, his birthday, Christmas, and our anniversary are some pretty annoying times for me. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO GET HIM! He's not a lovey-dovey type of person, so pictures, love notes, poems....do nothing for him.
Every year I look at the traditional and modern anniversary gifts suggestions, and I go 'Uhhhhh.....Sonofa----------uhhhhh....!' This year, the traditional gift is bronze or pottery. HA! The modern is linen or lace. Double-HA! (or HA-HA for those of you who need T.H.I.N.G.S S.P.E.L.L.E.D O.U.T) I just can't even think of what the frick I would get him in any of those categories that would not produce a puzzled frown or a fit of giggles.
Every year, I buy him a card. A gooey, syrup-y, sweet card. And we go out to eat. And stare at one another across the table. And? It's torture! Nothing really seems heartfelt. Nothing really says 'I am so glad we have survived another year together.' or 'So glad we still love each other.' I mean, what the hell? I'm fast-approaching his way of looking at this: Wedding anniversaries are just another day geared at making money for businesses, and making men look like asses, like Valentine's Day. If you know me at all, you know I am not that person. I love to show I care for people. I love to take care of people. I love to love people, for Cripe's sake. I am a fucking bleeding heart, lovey-dovey, tree-hugging, sweetpea of a person. No, really.

So, please dear bloggy friends, HALP!!! Men-What, if anything, do you want to be given on your wedding anniversary? Women-What do you buy your hubby?

Help, help, help!!! I'm drowning here! And this time, I can guarantee my bikini top won't be all jacked up when I come up for air this time!

Saturday/Sunday shopping spree

I went a little nuts this weekend. Really, it had nothing to do with the whole bottle of wine and no food, I swear. I just, I don't know, have decided to start about eleventy million projects all at once. So.......please, enjoy:

My camera does absolutely no justice to the beauty of this orchid. I have been coveting this particular one for 2 weeks, but in general, I have been wanting one for awhile.

This was one of 3 purchases at one of my favoritest places EVER-The Funky Monkey. This shirt is made of silk. The ruffle continues around the back, and goes up the back. Upon seeing me in it on Saturday night, my husband said, 'It looks like a stitched up plastic bag'. Oh, gee, thanks.

Purchase #2 at the Funky Monkey is a beauteous amber and pearl bracelet. I could not resist. It is so unique.

Purchase #3 is this adorable little monkey, whom my girl named 'Cookiebutt' in about 2.5 seconds. He is soooo living the good life: he sleeps in a comfy bed with 14,000 other stuffed animals and 4 blankets every night, and then hangs out in my jeep every day (literally, since he has little suction cups on all 4 of his hands/feet/appendages?). Then, at the end of the day, he gets swung around by his skinny little arms at warp speed, until he crashes and burns.

Here are 7 of the 8 books I ordered off of Amazon (AWESOME sale-they were all under $8 each!!! And free shipping!). Most of them are for my mom for Christmas, but hello? I can't let them go to waste, collecting dust...so I will be reading them between now and say, July 31st? Shh, don't tell my mom.

And this sweet mess on my dining room table? Ooooh, these purchases are all the way up there with the excitement of my Funky Monkey purchases. Fabric, fabric, and more fabric! You get to guess what I am going to do with all the snazzy-ass fabric, canvases, and yes, that is a big-ass pillow. About half of my readers (meaning, 2 of my readers!) know what I'm doing, but the rest of you...guess away!

Things I did (& didn't) do today

A beautiful Saturday, with lots of promise!
Let's start with the things I didn't do:

~take a shower (I know, I know)
~eat lunch
~clean
~go tan
~work out
~go clothes shopping
~cook

Now, the things I did do, and am still doing, at the early time of 12:41 at night:

~9:10am-woke up
~10:00-ate breakfast
~11:04-showed up late to a little easter egg hunt with my daughter, at my mom's property. It started at 11am, and in 4 minutes' time, all the damn eggs were gone. Seriously. I know-I'm a bad mom.
~12:00-Bought dog food ($30!), dog bones, and glucosomine tablets for my crotchety, gimpy dogs.
~12:30-Fed the above to my crotchety, gimpy dogs; brushed them, played with them, and got slimed by the yellow one
~1:30-Went to the park with my mother and daughter, with the intent to feed the ducks and geese popcorn and bread. Apparently, being that it was about 70 degrees out and absolutely gorgeous, lots of people had the same idea. The ducks weren't hungry. At. All. So my daughter ate the bread, my mom and I ate the popcorn, and we sat on a bench watching the ducks fight.
~4:00-My mother and daughter fall asleep. I start watching The Real Wives of New York City, or some shit like that, and discover that I only have 8 eggs to dye.
~9:30pm-I remind my daughter that tonight the easter bunny is coming, and he is going to take her final binky and give it to a new baby. In place of this binky, she will get a basket with candy and eggs. She says 'No', after about 3 1/2 weeks of being excited about it. S.H.I.T.
~9:45pm-Go shopping for my easter dinner. Also pick up random things like another stuffed bunny for my daughter, and a bunny balloon. And wine. And a chocolate cake. But I forget the eggs.
~11:30pm-Boil eggs, unload groceries, wait for eggs to cool off, hide plastic eggs, hide basket, and do laundry.
~Currently, at 12:48, I am dying eggs, my fingers are various colors and smell like vinagar, and I am sleepy. And I still need to go in my daughter's room and sneak her binky out of her mouth. Ha.

You notice I didn't say anything about reading, writing, gardening, or any of my other favorite hobbies.

I think I'll take the day off tomorrow, let my husband cook for our families, let my daughter eat every piece of candy in sight in place of her meals, let the laundry wrinkle in the dryer, and let everyone else worry zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.