Dog days

I live in a house with 3 dogs: my old lady dog (Daisy), my crazy-I-think-he-shoots-Red-Bull-&-coffee-when-I'm-not-looking boxer (Max), and my sister's humps-anything-that-makes-any-rash-movements Yorkie (Frank). The combination is simeltaneously hilarious and absolute torture.

5:00am-Max is turning tight circles in his crate at approximately 25 mph. The sound of his nails on the plastic bottom of the crate can be heard 2 blocks over.
5:05am-Daisy wakes from the dead and hobbles to my mother's room.
5:07am-After the hobbling, she puts her head on the edge of the bed and begins a deep-throat whine. Also? She basically wiggles the entire time, since she cannot keep her weight on all 4 legs at the same time. Shuffle-switch-shuffle-switch. Oh, and THUMP THUMP THUMP: her tail hitting the wall as she wags away.
5:10am-My mom gets up & lets Daisy out, who barely makes it off the porch before she pops a squat and pees.
5:12am-Still peeing.
5:13am-Still peeing.
5:14am-Mom lets Daisy in. Frank shows up out of nowhere, wanting to go out. Daisy in; Frank out.
5:17am-Frank in.
5:18am-Max is still furiously turning circles in his crate. We avoid letting him out toooooo early because....well, you'll see.
5:20am-Daisy is hobbling in front of the empty food dish. This is probably the most alert she is all damn day. Actually, not probably but for sure, without a doubt.
5:21am-Mom fills the dog bowls.
5:24am-Mom bends down to unlock Max's crate, hoping to prepare for the upcoming clusterfuck by standing on her heels only.
5:24:01am-Max tears ass out of the crate like a racing horse out of it's chute, crashing into my mother's legs, barely missing her feet, pounces up on the couch, takes off of the pillows on the couch, and careens towards the back door. Frank has decided that he CANNOT handle Max's energy level, so he is going to go all alpha dog on Max.
5:24:30am-Frank flies out of the kitchen and yap yap yaps at Max's face. He actually gets Max's big jowls several times a week.
5:25am-My mom makes her way through the alpha dog debacle to the back door, and shoos them out.
5:30am-The 2 males are done pissing on each other's pissing spots in the backyard. Max is either oblivious to the alpha dog debacle, or doesn't give a shit (I'm going with option #2). He just wants to PLAY.
5:31am-All 3 dogs are now in the kitchen, where Daisy has managed to snarf down 2 bowls of dog food in less than 5 minutes. Fantastic. Max sniffs tentatively towards the bowls, and Daisy goes all alpha dog on his ass: snotting, growling, snarling, drooling, snapping.
5:32am-Max takes this as a sign of "OH YAY! She wants to PLAAAAAAAAAY!" And goes ape-shit in the house.
5:33am-Daisy lies down in front of the empty dog dishes, and glares at Max as he bounds through the house at warp speed.
5:34am-Frank is done eating the leftovers, and has decided that Max is just too damn hyper. Again with the biting of the jowls. Max continues to think Frank is playing.
5:35am-Frank is now too excited for his own good, and begins trying to hump Max, who in turn thinks Frank is playing a new game.
5:36am-Frank moves on to Daisy: "Ooooo, old lady dog that doesn't fight me when I try to hump!" Except, he forgot that she is the most alert this first hour of her day, and she turns on him, doing the snotting, growling, snarling, drooling, snapping thing.
5:36:30am-Frank takes off for my sister's room, to lick his wounds (just injured pride, as Daisy doesn't really actually get him).
5:37am-7:00am-Max stands at my closed door and SNIFF SNIFF SNIFFSNIFFSNIFF 's. When the sniffing doesn't work, he begins talking and whining. And scratching on the door. Just 2 scratches at a time: Scratch-scratch. whine. talk. whine. sniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniff
7:01am-I open my door and tell him to shut the hell up. If I let him in, he bounces on the bed & pisses off my girl. So I try to avoid that until she is up and dressed. However, Frank always sneaks in & then STARES AT ME while I brush my teeth. Wth??
7:02am-Max is put off by not being allowed in the room, so he bounces his ass through the house, tongue hanging out with a smile on his sweet face, and goes to torture my mother and sister as they are getting ready for work and school. He jumps on their beds, nips at their feet and hands, jumps up on them, licks random body parts, and then begins digging in the bathroom trashcan.
When he drags out all the trash, my mom locks him in his crate, where he begins the tight circles in his crate again.
8:20am-When I get home from dropping my girl off at school, I let him out and he takes off around the house again. He refuses to go out in the backyard. Daisy is now laid out in her usual spot in the middle of the living room, nose running, snoring loudly. She is oblivious to most of Max's antics all damn day long.
8:30am-I take Max for a walk, where he pulls me the entire time, and stops approximately 1000 times in the 45 minutes we are out. He also marks his territory on the same damn branches, corners, and bushes every day. Why?? So annoying.
9:15am-We are back from the walk. Max's tongue is almost touching the ground, but he is STILL NOT WORN OUT. He drinks a gallon of water. Daisy doesn't even know we have been gone. Frank? Has barked the ENTIRE time we were gone. He was in his crate, and he is covered in his own slobber from barking furiously at our absence.

I don't even have the energy to tell you what the rest of the day is like, but seriously? All fucking day I am letting them out, letting them in, yelling at Frank to stop staring at me while I'm on the computer, yelling at Max to stop getting into every fucking thing, and Daisy just snores away.

At night, I take Max for a walk. Yet, every night, at about 10:30pm, he stands at the back door and talks to me. But when I open the door, he backs away. Actually, lately he has taken to running into his crate when I open the back door. What the hell, dog? This is where I am done with his cute personality and I yell at him to get the hell outside or shut the hell up, or I chase him around the house in the hopes that I can chase him out the back door. My exercise for the day.

Then he comes back in, and tears around the house again, bouncing on and off of furniture, knocking over shit, trying to get into my sister's room, and just batshit crazy.  Daisy? Still asleep, with my feet rubbing her side. Frank? He has ran around trying to alpha dog Max into shutting the f- up. When he fails at this, he then begins to try to hump everyone and everything. When he fails at this, he jumps up in my mom's lap, where he pants disgusting dog breath in her face. Then she pushes him off the couch, and he hides under my bed.
Finally I convince Max to get up on the couch between my mom and I.
Then? He lies there and farts the most disgusting dog farts ever.
All with a smile on his face.
These f-ing dogs run our house.


Anonymous said...

LMAO!!! oh man aren't dog farts the WORST. THING. EVER.

Anonymous said...

I dogsat a couple weeks ago and I cannot imagine going through what I went through 3 times over. You are going to heaven!

MissCharlie said...

This is exactly why I am not a dog person. It's like a house full of perpetual toddlers. No thanks.